The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am confused with the recovery programs. I have been through the hell with my AH lying, stealing sleepless nights, detoxing, jail, etc. Once he enters the program I am pushed aside, told to come on visiting days write letters and find a good support group for myself. Once he enters the doors we are each on our own path for recovery. There seems to be no recovery for the couple together during the process. I am not sure what all they share when they speak in group. Since groups are both men and women. I have had a problem with a woman from group, she got to hear things that I should of had a chance to hear. I am the outsider now. He said they are just friends,(HMMM) my gut tells me otherwise. I feel I was never given a chance to see if we could make it.
Welcome lostsoulmate. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm glad you are here. I have just begun my recovery and that last sentence really hits home. We never even got a chance. Stick around and many courageous people will reach out to you to help you get started giving yourself a chance. Al-anon will not push you aside. There is hope. The program can help you develop tools that will help you find serenity.
Lostsoulmate, you need a giant hug! I am so sorry for how much you are hurting.
I am also new at this, but I hope that you can find a real, live "face to face" meeting because it will be full of people who have the ability to give you a real live hug.
I, too, am newer here and in the program and have said that last sentence so many times. I guess now I know for me I never had a chance from the start. I hate to use the word "doomed" but as I come out of the fog that I was in -- all those years of craziness before my own "soul mate" left -- I feel more and more like the minute we met the end was in sight. There is nothing I -- we as Al=Anon folks -- could have done to make it work. It would be like asking an amputee to throw a baseball without an arm, or ask someone to suddenly live as a dolphin -- at least that is what it is feeling like to me as I get to understand how completely differently my ex (and other alcoholics according to people here) see the world.
I am so sorry for your struggle. You will feel better. Trust your gut, too. That was one of the first casualties of my relationship -- I felt so crazy I couldn't trust myself at all. That small, still voice will help you to see reality and to heal. I'm sending you hugs!!!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I was also confused and came to the realization that I was supposed to be because recovery was very very different than how I had been living. I got the instruction to sit down and listen and learn with an open mine which was very difficult because some very old entrenched thinking was what I habitualized. Years of stinking thinking and poor resolution had to be replaced with lessons from the old timers in program and my sponsorship. I came into recovery with the realization that I didn't know about alcohol and alcoholism and didn't even know that I didn't know...my way of describing it back then was that I was a "dumb as a stick". I need to allow my Higher Power with HP's tools in the fellowship to re-teach me. They have done a great job. At the close of our meetings there is a promise that came true for me and it is said, "If you keep and open mind...you will find help". That became my first miracle in Al-Anon. Try it...you'll like it. ((((hugs))))
I am super confused with the recovery programs too. My husband has been attending an outpatient program and I was told I should seek help from al anon. Both programs force you to think about only you...which I get is how you recover...but no one has talked about how he and I are suppose to recover together. We have young children and cannot simply ignore each other. We dont know what we are supposed to be like when we are together as a married couple.
The groups really push the fact that most alcoholics loose their spouse. I want to avoid that! But nothing shows me how. Everything I read tells me how to move on without him or how to ignore his bahaviors and let him deal with them alone. We are married and in my opinion, we shouldnt have to go through it alone.
I dont think I helped at all but I wanted to make sure you knew that there are others that feel your pain, confusion, and frustration.
My experience belonging to both sides of the coin - it is suggested you work on you. This is because the disease is cunning, baffling, powerful and progressive. As the person in recovery explores the program and steps and applies them to their own life, the become better able to love themselves and respect themselves. We've all heard that you can't love another fully unless you love yourself - this, I believe is one underlying principal in recovery. Learn and fix you, then work outwards.
I did not become addicted to alcohol overnight, and I certainly did not feel 'right' with the world in a short period of time. It takes time to heal, it takes time to learn and recovery is life-long. This applies to both sides of the room - the Alcoholic and the ones who love an alcoholic.
In my experience, neither side of the room instructs one to end the marriage or to even focus on the end of a relationship. Both sides of the room ask the person in recovery to live one day at a time, trust in a HP and focus on you, your attitudes, actions and reactions.
A family can not be healthy unless the members are healthy. When each person works a program, and gets healthy, often the relationship and dynamics improve without extreme effort.
I fully understand the confusion, pain and frustration. We tend to want answers now and we tend to want issues/problems resolved timely. Recovery shows us and teaches us that if we are patient, more will be revealed and decisions will be made with confidence and love instead of reactive and while in pain/turmoil.
Hang in there and trust the program. If does work if you work it and you are not alone in your grief, anger, confusion, recovery.
Hugs to all and glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
