So - I magically returned here a few weeks back after being gone for 5 years give/take.

When I was here before, I was so beaten, crazy and bruised.  You all cared for me, shared with me and helped me level out to the point where I was able to go out in my community and find F2F meetings.  I will be forever grateful for the nudge you gave me to find the strength to go forth and seek.

Between then and now, my qualifier (son 1) hit his bottom, went to his 6th treatment center and got sober.  He's still sober, and I am grateful to my/his HP for that.  Our relationship is not fixed at all, but it's improving all the time.

I came back as I found myself in a 'stuck spot'.  While my son 1 was working his program and getting healthy, my other son 2 (qualifier 2) was progressing down the rabbit hole.  I suspected, inquired, witnessed, prayed, etc. and he is still struggling.  In spite of working the program, going to meetings, working with a sponsor, etc. I had tremendous guilt as this is my baby and I missed many warning signs due to my fixation on Son 1.

The long and short - he's gotten in trouble with the law a few times, been to jail, been to prison, 6 treatment centers, and still is in denial.  He's been home/out 3 times since December, and it has been rough/rocky.  The last time he came home, he wrote a contract and signed it.  It lasted less than 1 week and I lovingly told him he needed to move out.  He asked for some time, and we agreed on a date (yesterday).

For those who've put out a qualifier, you probably understand the pain, sadness, guilt, remorse, uncertainty, etc. that predicates and follows the event.  I've been through this now more times than I can count between 2 sons and 12 treatment centers + trips to various jails for them both.  I would love to say that it gets easier each time, but it doesn't.  I tend to spent a night/three in deep sadness just praying and hoping they survive long enough to find their way to peace.

So - in spite of working two 12 Step programs and a few years around recovery, I still had a burning desire to do something and some things different.

Here's what ended up happening and where the thanks comes in!!!

1.  I detached from the disease this time, and loved my son - what this means is that when he asked for time, I gave it to him where in the past, there's been an immediate eviction process...

2.  My son asked me for help yesterday moving his stuff.  I helped - took him and a load to his new home.

3.  I tripled up on meetings - I normally go to 3-4 meetings per week and have been here twice daily most days + my F2F meetings.

4.  I doubled up on my sponsor discussions - we normally see each other 3 times a week - did that + called a few times.

5.  Prayer & Meditation - did not miss and spent extra time.

And the results!!!

1.  It's just now day 2 and I am OK.  While I have some sadness, I am not horizontal feeling like a horrible mom.  I am upright enjoying a ball game after going to a meeting & having a meal with a program friend.

2.  When he texted and asked me to drive across town to take him to work, I was able to kindly respond that I had plans and he'd have to find another ride.  When he wrote again saying he couldn't find one, I lovingly suggested he call a cab.

2.  When he texted me several times last evening to tell me the items he forgot, I was able to respond that I was in bed, would look around as time allowed and let him know when I had collected the balance of his items.

3.  He isn't hiding - he has already texted today with a HI message.  Of course, he snuck into the home in the middle of the night to get some of the important things....he left all the lights on - that's how I know...and the fridge open.

4.  He is OK and I am OK.

I love both my sons with all my heart.  This disease has made them both say and do some very ugly things.  

I am so grateful to you all for teaching me that it is the disease that makes them be this way.  I am worthy of healthy boundaries and I can detach with love.  When I act/react differently, so do they.  As I get healthier, the anxiety lessons.  If I can act with grace and dignity, they are more likely to do so or, at a minimum, be indifferent and tolerable vs. ugly and nasty.

I am able to love my sons but not enable this disease.  I can not control them or cure them, but I can sure work on me and be a better person.

I am filled with gratitude today instead of regret and sadness, and I owe that to you all here at MIP as well as to the program, the steps, my HP and my sponsor!

Make it a great day!