The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife is in rehab now and Im trying to gather my thoughts into something cohesive but I don't know if it is too harsh, please give me some feedback
"
A glimpse from the other side of the mirror
I've heard so much about concerns about family and friends rejecting many of you. I know you need to focus on you and your needs but I'm asking that just for a moment you think about their side of this just for the interest of knowing what you're up against.
First, know this... it's not that they hate YOU... they hate who the drugs turn you into. Many of you haven't been YOU for a long time. You look similar to the person that they love but you became a stranger. The lies, the double life, the pushing away all who would come between you and your substance of choice is a stranger. An invader impersonating you. Who WOULDN'T see that as an enemy?
Some people are so bound to that image of you that they won't see it when the real you comes home but all you can do is show by your action that those days are behind you. It'll take time, and a lot of work but eventually... If someone really loves you they will come around. The only way you can be SURE they'll never recognize your change is if you prove their doubts are true.
I've been on the other side both as the husband and the kid, my whole life has been molded by this.
First I was the kid, sitting around watching Saturday morning cartoons while my dad and his friends passed the joint around the room and been handed the roach clip to pass it to the next guy in the circle and from experience let me say that the children know more then you think they do. From the time we start school if not sooner we observe things. We know that when there's five people in the bathroom at the end of the hall that something is out of place, even when one of them is standing in the doorway making sure none of us walk in on what's going on and when we start talking with our friends it doesn't take long before everyone is telling us what it is. But it goes on and we desensitize ourselves. After all, who wants to think it's as bad as our teachers and everyone says it is?... it's our mom or our dad and they're not bad people... So as we grow either we fall easier into the same trap due to normalizing or we decide early on not to have anything to do with it...sounds like the second option is best right? But meanwhile we are turning a blind eye to the signs all around us. Learning to ignore the obvious. Then comes adulthood... by now either you have an addiction of your own or your head is buried so far in the sand that you don't even see your spouse sinking into their own despair. Or worse... it could be both.
Please don't set your kids up for failure... teach them that it was a huge mistake on your part and a hole that's so hard to dig yourself out of once you're in it. And for God's sake teach them what to watch for so they aren't numb to it when someone else they love is sinking...
They can't be so suspicious that they assume everything is the worst but they also can't ignore the obvious. It's a fine line and they need to know how to walk it if they are to prevent heartache.
I'm not saying to put anyone before your own recovery and eventual happiness, just pointing out that what has happened could potentially cause other hurts in the future, and who better to show them what to beware of then someone who knows... STOP the cycle
Alcoholism, as you point out, is a family disease. It is progressive, and deadly.
I have found that attending AlAnon meetings has helped me deal with my emotions and actions in my marriage, even though my wife continues to drink.
I hope that you will keep coming back. I also hope that you check out a few face to face meetings.
I am glad you are here.
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and posted. May your wife do well in her journey.
I too encourage you to attend local F2F (face to face) Alanon meetings in your community. You will find many others who are also working on recovering from the effects of this disease.
MIP also has 2 meetings - see the top left for the schedule.
Alanon does teach us the 3 C(s) - We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. We learn to work on ourselves, set healthy boundaries and detach from the disease/loved one(s).
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome Jamky I appreciate your thoughts and so agree with being honest open and truthful with children My son knew all about alcoholism, we discussed it often, the affects, the disease, etc. As a child he jokingly told me that I saw alcohoics behind every tree. He attended a fee AA meetings with his dad, attended alateen--- then when his Dad passed when he was 16 -used drugs for 2 years. He decided to be sober - stopped and joined DA at 19.
He seemed to remember the dangers of alcohol for many years until age 32 when he decided that all we talked about was nonsense and being a successful grown up he could drink like everyone else. He died of alcoholism 4 years later It is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless
The best we can do is to take are of ourselves and have compassion. Alanon tools gave me both
Thanks for the welcome and well wishes.
I have found a local F2F that I plan to attend but I haven't been yet. They meet on sundays and I planned to go but my car is giving me troubles
So glad for you that you found a local F2F meeting. Too bad about the car troubles - I know around here, if you call and ask for a ride, a member will usually be able to assist. I'm in a larger metro area so there are quite a few members. They are careful to send 'same sex' member to help make one comfy.
If you can't get out, you are welcome to join us for the MIP online meetings. Check the schedule in the top left corner!
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I also wrote her the following and gave it to her yesterday at family group meeting and she read it to the group and actually got requests for copies.
I know we aren't supposed to push any religious preferences but this was originally meant just for her and as we are Christians I included a quote from the bible, please don't think I am trying to push my faith off on anyone else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Its a matter of perspective.
When you are refurbishing a building you may have some walls being torn out or new walls going up to make the building useful for your purpose. Some people would look at this and see only the mess where the architect would see progress.
All changes have come about during times of chaos; if things werent chaotic there wouldnt be any reason for change. When Reagan said Tear this wall down it was a time of turmoil, when Martin Luther King said I have a dream it was a moment of time when people NEEDED change. These people looked through the chaos and found an opportunity to change the situation.
The same goes for peoples situations. You can look at it as admitting that you are an addict or an alcoholic is a sign of weakness or as something that was imposed upon you, or you can look at it as you entered into the chaos where thousands have never returned and found your opportunity to change; you have succeeded in coming out the other side with a plan to make your mess become progress and that youre not just a lowly addict/alcoholic but you are a SURVIVOR of addiction and that much stronger for having endured it.
[Luke 22: 31-32]
31 And the lord said , Simon, Simon, behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat:
32 But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren.
These are red letters in the Bible, they are quoted from Jesus himself and notice he didnt say No Satan, he is mine. Simon needed to be converted so he could strengthen his brethren. To show by example how to escape the chaos, to lead his loved ones out of the mess.
Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today. BE THANKEFUL for the hard times, they can only make you STRONGER
A list of quotes:
It is never too late to live happily ever after ~Anonymous
Religion is for people who are afraid theyll go to hell, Spirituality is for people who have been there. ~Anonymous
Recovery will never open the gates of heaven to let you in, but it does open the gates of hell to let you out. ~Anonymous
I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me, spiritually and financially. ~Denzel Washington
My basic problem is that I flee from those who want me and I pursue the rejecters. ~Anonymous
Recovery is a journey between two train stations. One station represents unhappiness and the other represents serenity. What is important is not where we are, but who is driving (us or God) and what direction we are heading. ~Anonymous
True humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking less about yourself. ~Anonymous"
I hope things go well for your loved one in rehab and I hope you have a good experience attending f2f Alanon. It's suggested when someone is new that they keep coming back awhile to get a good sense of whether the program is something they want for themself. The online meetings here at MIP are very good too in my opinion.
I want to share a little of my own experience with you. When my exah went to rehab, I was filled with so many things I wanted to tell him. I was not in Alanon and didn't even know about Alanon until I visited him one weekend at rehab and counselors told family members to attend Alanon. I sent him lots of letters and thought my words were helpful to him. Looking back at this, I wish I had journalled my thoughts instead of offering my take on his situation to him. I say this because I learned in Alanon that my loved one's recovery was a personal journey between himself and his higher power. It wasn't something I could bring to him. People in Alanon showed me through their own recovery that my job was to gain sanity and serenity for myself through coming to the Alanon meetings and accepting the welcome and support of others who were living with alcoholism too. They told me my job was to keep these gifts because I deserved to have them. It wasn't a selfish thing to let go and let god take care of my husband as only a higher power can.
I hope you report that your experience at the Alanon meeting was a good one. Wishing both you and your loved one the best for your recovery journeys. TT
__________________
Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I know I can't fix her, I know only God and herself can do that. I'm here to learn to be a supporter but not a sucker, to know where to draw the line. I'm hopeful it will work this time but know the odds that it's not over. "According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) The completion of residential programs "for her substance of choice" is as high as 65 percent." I know I can't smother her and that making her feel untrustworthy is likely to hurt her recovery yet I can't just trust again that my life won't be turned upside down while not seeing it coming. Her secrets and lies are still slowly coming to the surface which each one feels like a knife in my heart yet I know it shows her growth in her own acceptance. Writing is cathartic...it helps me get my jumbled thoughts in order but it also lets me carefully select my words to express to her... A) support and encouragement B) concerns (nonjudgmentally) and C) acceptance (of her, not her addictive behavior and what it brings) but I think I have, or HOPE I have reinforced to her knowledge that she and God are the only ones who can change things
I guess that since this has created so much conflicting feelings in my life the need to have things in black and white to help with my own understanding of it. I know I am in the baby steps of my own healing and I very much respect the opinions of the people I have met here. So I'm posting stuff here before giving to her so others can tell me if they think I am coming across too harsh sounding or saying anything that might impair her (or their) recovery. And in the mean time, if anyone can give insights or even take something from my inner conflict that can help their own healing...all the better.
And again I find myself rereading this post over and over and wondering if it's coherent or just rambling...lol
-- Edited by jamky on Sunday 31st of May 2015 10:30:10 PM
So glad you made it to the meeting last evening! And congrats. on having the courage to share.
If you have any hesitations regarding your message to your AW, you can always talk to the counselor(s) first. That's what I did as I felt conflicted with my 'wants/needs/boundaries' and my sons treatment. I felt relieved to have professionals during treatment to help with the communication process as well as other aspects of addiction/recovery.
Hope today's been better and hope to 'see' ya tonight again!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have to work tonight and all weeknights so I won't be able to make it but I very much enjoyed it last night... thanks for the well wishes and awesome idea about the counselor.
(((jamky))) - make it the best week possible! There are morning meetings too if that works better with your schedule!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Jamky - awesome....sorry I didn't make it! Had to take my car in for it's 'service'.......and it took longer than suggested!
I am so glad you found it great - both meetings have tons of excellent members and it's kind of like family!!
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
