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I was reading today about acceptance. It said neither unconditional forgiveness or resentment were acceptance. It also said that forgiveness granted without being earned is not acceptance. I have been going around and around on this issue for so long. I finally got my mistake. I have always thought I was struggling with resentment ... I am actually struggling with unconditional forgiveness. You know that moment when you finally know this is your truth....
Basically You forgive yourself for all your sins and
really mean It, then you forgive your ah and hand
him over to God to deal with. It is not your job for
vengeance. You do not need to tell ah you forgave
him, it is done For you, so that you can move on
and let God deal with him. Actually it worked i was
ready for it. It felt pretty good to forgive myself too
because I was No Saint either before i married. Who
was i to Judge him in reality?
I still need to forgive him again, its about the only
Thing that counters the rage i feel. I hate rage it is
A terrible emotion.
We also need to remember we are all children of God.
I find that interesting because this was an al-anon reading. I don't think it had anything to with judging. I was wondering if anyone had read it before because it made it sound like unconditional forgiveness was like enabling?
Interesting subject. Truth--- I do believe I understand the universal" forgiveness "-- I do believe that was one of my" go to "tools. When my husband passed, was I surprised to discover all the issues that I thought I had forgiven, came rising up screaming as resentments. I do believe I was so angry I could've killed him, but that was not an option.
Al-Anon brought me to acceptance---- my understanding was when I stopped judging right or wrong, owning my part in the situation, I can easily accept life on life's terms and not my terms.
There is a reading in the ODAT that talks about forgiveness- and points out that since we have no right to judge or criticize or blame it is not our place to forgive. That one took a while for me to absorb.
But today I can understand acceptance is just that -- not trying to change another or thinking I am right and they are wrong .
Thanks Betty... It said unconditional forgiveness and resentment were on a continuum with acceptance in the middle. If I visualize it now I guess I am thinking from what you said, right on one side and wrong on the other. I need to explore this a bit more. Either side is judgement?
Maybe Betty has the key to forgiveness: if I can stop judging, blaming, and criticizing my A for all her addictive behaviors, including drinking while driving, maybe i can forgive her. As yet I have not reached forgiveness, however I am making alot of progress with myself with attidudes, coping, etc. I will keep Betty's idea in mind, although how do I look at drinking and driving when she could kill somebody's child? That's a tough one. All I know is that I will keep working the program, do the best I can, progress not perfection, and with HP's help, perhaps I can forgive my A one of these days, Lyne
Hi Again acceptamce to me means , i sew the truth, I do not judge and do not have to like the behavior but i can see the reality and protect myself accordingly
Trying to learn about not judging. Bad behaviors and bad choices are just that - bad. It's human nature to evaluate them when those of others affect the course of my life. Trying to think of it like bad driving. I've made all kinds of bad moves driving. The same kinds of moves that I get irritated with when others do them. Changing lanes into someone else, driving with my turn signal on, not signaling, pulling out in front of others, etc. I have had no accidents and do not consider myself a bad driver. I have just made mistakes. I managed to learn not to get angry at other drivers when they do these things. Not to judge them as a person by an error they made while trying to control their vehicle even though it causes me to have to change course or take action, or even endangers me. I'm trying to apply that to others in all walks of life. Trying. Key word. Trying. The issue comes when I'm told it's my fault for being in that lane to begin with. I have such a long way to go, sometimes it gets daunting, but just being aware is helping so much.
Thanks Betty ... I feel like I have to integrate this yet but you know that moment when you know that it is your next step....I think this was why I was struggling to protect myself before. Somewhere I had/have a fear of being judged for "judging" ... I have gotten to that point.
I am still struggling to see the difference between "judging" and saying something is "unacceptable behavior" ... I feel like at one time I just knew the lines but now the lines are blurred.
Goodness.....now I am confused. For me, I don't judge....and defined for me - I don't make an assumption of right or wrong. Unacceptable behavior to me may not be unacceptable behavior to you (or another). We can probably all agree that name calling is unacceptable behavior. But, I don't judge because I've done it in the past in the heat of the moment usually as a (warped) defense mechanism. I site this only as an example, and consider it poor judgement often from a good person.
If you were to call me a name, I would consider it unacceptable behavior, but I wouldn't judge you as I don't really know you and I try not to judge. If my kids calls me a name, I'm more likely to call a spade a spade and state my exact preference - please don't call me a name - that's unacceptable. But, I still don't judge.
I've gotten completely away from making judgement about who, what, when, where, why. It makes it harder for me to see my part and allows my EGO to justify and rationalize. The way I've set up my boundaries, based on my own history and the risk of my bad temper - I tend to walk away, leave or hide as self-protection faster than I judge. I truly leave that to HP and turn these over quickly or else they fester and ruin my peace.
"unconditional forgiveness and resentment were on a continuum with acceptance in the middle"....when I read this and was considering it I also put all three of these on a horizontal plain. What's different is I did not view one as good and one as bad. I was thinking more along the lines of progression/aging - You start with a resentment, come to acceptance and then practice the unconditional forgiveness.
Very interesting to discuss and thanks for bringing it up. Have I made it even more muddy? LOL!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Very interesting sequence of thoughts, I appreciated the opportunity to ponder my own perception of these concepts. On the topic of forgiveness, there are so many great references in the literature that help us look internally to examine our motives; as the first post notes, forgiving can be a very positive and powerful tool, but the act itself does not bring peace if unaccompanied by awareness, acceptance, and healthy boundaries.
Many references to "judging" in the literature involve categorizing another person as "right" or "wrong" as their actions relate to our moral conditioning and perspective. Boundaries for "unacceptable behavior", however, can be set and enforced without the need to determine others' motive or moral alignment.
We avoid casting judgment of the person, but we do adjust our response to the behavior based on our values. The details of why the person is demonstrating the behavior aren't really of our concern. The behavior might even be acceptable to everyone but us. We only need to follow through on our decision for self care as we have determined is healthy for ourselves.
Great thoughts and questions, thank you for sharing them...
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
That makes so much sense, Betty. That takes the pressure off us as we no longer have to stand in judgment of anyone. I'd say we get more serenity that way.
As I am thinking about this, I would say the way I look at it is that judgment has a component of anger to it, where discernment comes from a more serene, balanced place. The difference for me is that judgment says. "You are wrong and bad in an all-encompassing and unchanging moral framework." Whereas discernment says, "What you are doing is wrong and bad for me." Speaking for myself, I can't forgive from a judgmental standpoint -- I get caught up in wanting someone held accountable for their wrongs -- in wanting "justice." I can forgive from a place of discernment, because I can think, "That person is unable to be right and good for me." that point of view allows for "For Giveness" or my ability to trust that someone else might be right and good for me, and that the person I had a problem with is just one person with flaws rather than a representation of a pattern of injustices that have harmed me. Does that make sense?
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
This is a great post for me. Judgment has always held be back, I am closer to living in the gray area then I ever have, but at times still see things as good or bad instead of just is. I like the shares here a lot and this helps me move towards acceptance better than before. Thanks for this!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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