The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
My adult son, he is 18, is downstairs with his friends drinking, they woke me up at 2am with The noise, he wont go, im upset and crying, i go to al anon face to face but i have not heard of people who its their children, also al anon dont give advice. I got no support in dealing with thisfrom family, my older son who is 25 started the example that the young one is following. I contacted the police a while back butnthey said they will only come out if they are violent to me, im too scared of violence and aggression so i back down. Dont know what to do. Going to get a bath s there will be no sleep for me, the noise and i dont feel safe.
So if anyone has experience of living with adult children who drink and drug, which i know I cannot change, but its that they do the stuff at home, it does not feel like a home, when this happens i feel unsafe. Thanks.
I do, phone the police, get him removed. We dont do advice but in my own experience tbis is what you have to do. This is no way to live your life. These are adult males, no longer little children, you owe them nothing but you owe yourself better than this. Think about what you wohld do if this was not your son, then do that. Only that is the right thing to do for you and him.
I do as well and have had to contact the police for assistance. So sorry for your pain and while you will not get advice in Alanon meetings, you will find support, tools and guidance from those who have been where you are.
Getting a sponsor would be great - even if you find a temporary one for now. Working the steps has helped me realize what is acceptable and what is not - even if my qualifier is my own child.
I evicted my son yesterday for violating our rules/crossing my boundaries. It makes me very sad but if I continue to allow unacceptable behavior, he will continue to use unacceptable behavior.
(((Hugs))) to you - it's not easy when there is chaos, but Alanon can arm you with tools to better manage you, your actions and reactions.
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for your replies, I love Al anon and learning about myself, I have been in 12 step fellowships for 14 years but not always working on the steps or with a sponsor. I have a sponsor in another fellowship and I wanted to finish the steps with her (on step 7) before I started the Al anon steps so as not to be getting too confused. I 'threatened' them with the police about 4am and they did leave. My problem about phoning the police to come out is that if they all leave the house before the police come, the police have said this is like wasting police time, especially on the weekends they are so busy with 'proper' crime!
I am waiting to hear from some counselling also, loads of complicated icky childhood and every other decade stuff to wade through, steps are helping with this also. I think a lot of my reluctance to do something drastic is about guilt from when they were children and I had unskillfull coping methods and they were not parented effectively, they have also been brought up without fathers, so another bad mark to me, also there is no support from another adult in my family with dealing with this. Although I entered recovery over 14 years ago there is still a lot of resentment of my past, I have tried to make amends but some people cannot forgive, thats ok and I do have al anon, but as I said in my previous post, most members are in my Al anon meetings due to partners or parents, even siblings but not much ID with parents and thier A/child.
Thanks again
I do not feel I can do these things yet but I am open to exploring and hearing others members experience, that inspires me. Sue. xx
So glad your going to meetings and getting better. Remember to pick up the phone and share all this. You are not alone and thats part of working the program. I was a pretty rubbish mother too, i was sick with the disease of alcoholism, that never makes for a fully there mother. I had to forgive myself because i was letting my kids walk all over me. I learned to forgive myself, i did the best with what i had at the time. End of. No more guilt. I am entitled to a full, joyful and haply life and no adult on this earth is gojng to stop me living again, including my own and especially my own flesh and blood.
Another way to think of this is, by not dojng the right thing with these sons you are actually harming them, enabling them and it gets worse and worse. When we know better we do better. Phoning the police or kicking them out is doing better, i had to do it and my son is dojng brilliantly now. Of course because i finally done the right thing for him and me.
As for the police, wasting police time, thats ridiculous. Thats what they are there for. If necessary take out a restraining order, noone can ignore that and then get yourself some nice self care and peace.
Wow I wish I could stop with the guilt. Part of the issue was I lived with my mother co dependently all my life, so although I was in recovery as an adult with 2 children I was actually functioning as a child. I had never had my own home, bills to pay etc. Then my mum died 3 years this coming October. There had been family dynamics of my mum undermining me a lot with child rearing because she had been looking after my children for me in the active years, and every new thing I wanted to introduce, she saw it as me being horrid to the kids and she had to protect them from me. So anyway it carries on, I am not in employment and have not been for most of my life, my children think that because they work and I dont that means they are above me and do not have to listen to me, that I am a defective person for being unemployed. Its a tangled web really.
Thanks for sharing and listening to me. xxx
As an outsider entering into this discussion...I would say that Elcee almost sounded just like you a few years ago. She doesn't want to toot her own horn, but I can say as a member who watched/read her going through this, it was and is evidence of alanon working.
I've heard many recovering addicts say that the best thing that ever happened to them was when none of their enablers would bail them out of jail. A number of times I failed at trying to convince my AW that bailing her addict daughter out of jail was the worst thing she could do for her. It finally so happened that there was no money left to do it, and shortly after that the daughter began her recovery. AW hasn't taken a single step.
Thanks cathy and pinkchip. Your right i could have written this 3 yrs ago. This program is a miracle, the best thing thats ever happened to me. Also, coming here whilst in the midst of it all and getting the support and love from you guys was a huge part of my recovery. I thank you both and everyone else here whowere with me during that time in my life.x
Sorry to kind of high jack your post scoob.x
My first thought was :Oh my goodness, there are under aged teens consuming alcohol.
What if the neighbors call the police? That would mean there is an adult in the home, allowing kids to drink.
I believe in my state, it carries a 1 year prison sentence. Yikes! Even though you are not happy with it, and do not want it to happen, the courts might see it differently. I hope you are safe! (((HUG)))
-- Edited by Saucy on Sunday 31st of May 2015 01:43:34 PM
Are you in the uk? Here the legel age is 18. This is more than just allowing them to drink, this is abusive and fear based.
If your in the usa, it might be a way to get the police to respond, tell them there are underage drinkers in your home and you want them out. I understand where your at. This is not your fault.x
Hello, yes I am in the UK and the legal age here is 18, my two sons also use illegal substances.
As I said the police did not want to know when I made inquiries about could I call them out, they more or less said only if violence has been committed or threat of, and I back off before it gets as if its going there. I dont encourage them to drink, but I keep hands off as much as possible, as in the Al anon philosophy of its their business, its only when they bring it into the house that it upsets me and makes it my business, and they bring their intoxicated bodies into the house and sometimes verbal abuse and mood swings, irrational talk and blaming and criticizing me, which I sure did a lot of myself before al anon, and i'm still only learning about myself and my defects as I am on step 7,(in another fellowship)
I am a slow learner with a bad memory, I seem to forget something as soon as I learn it, im sure many years of being disassociated, emotionally numb and addictive, plus much mental health issues have not helped. Thanks for your reply el-cee. I tried to go back to look at your old posts but it only allowed me to see one page of posts from when you first started posting on here. xx
Thanks I will.
I am going on a family holiday soon in Benidorm, with my two sisters, their husbands, adult children and my two sons, they all drink and its an all inclusive drink as much as you like holiday. I am the only one in the group that does not drink, but I looked ahead and there are two open AA meetings that I will be attending. Its the first foreign holiday we have ever been on as a family and I do want to try and take part in building our relationships. I want to learn to detach in love, and generally grow into a loving person, starting with loving myself. I like Al anons philosophy about being good to ourselves and keeping the focus on ourselves. Are you in UK? xx
Yes, Scotland. I hope you enjoy your holiday. The meetings sound like a great idea and you sound like you habe a great program so its all heading in the right direction.x
Scoob, I haven't had this exact problem but I've had neighbors who were causing hell with a drunken party that got out of control. I mean they had a party like this almost every weekend. What I found is that you can call the police and they'll head over, but if the partiers leave/quiet down before the police arrive, just call the police again when they've left, and they'll radio the patrol car and tell them not to come after all. No harm done. This has happened a number of times. So you don't have to worry about your calling and then the drinkers leaving and you feeling silly when the police arrive.
Another question that comes to my mind is what kind of consequences the partiers in your house face after they've broken the rules and been causing trouble in your house. I think Al-Anon meetings would help you figure out an appropriate and effective way of setting some consequences after the fact so they know they can't get away with it. I don't mean that there is a rule book on how to do this, just that Al-Anon helps us get the tools to figure out more effective ways to handle challenging situations like this. I hope you'll be able to find a meeting.
Thanks Mattie, there is no consequences. Apart from sometimes I will moan and shout, but they are not bothered, or sometimes I will say I want you to leave and live somewhere else but they wont go. I do go to some Al anon meetings already but the other members are mainly there due to their partners, parents or siblings. I don't hear much talk of young people being alcoholic in the meetings so I am not getting any identification. I get loads from going to Al anon as I am already in 12 step recovery for myself for numerous issues, but this is the most pressing at the moment and is affecting my recovery negatively, but in other ways its making me work harder on my program, keeping me focused and serious, so thats good. Thanks again.x
