The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I find myself often leafing through the catalogs of rotten things that my A has said or done - be they large or small - that were clearly indefensible from a rational standpoint and that would compel a healthy person to offer an apology either from the desire to be polite or sincere remorse. Like the stacks of Sears "wish books" my father had stored in his attic, the catalogs are obsolete and of no value. Yet I look through them and still want apologies for each item. I feel like I filled out the order form, wrote the checks and licked the stamps, but have been sitting, waiting for the mailman every day, only to be more disappointed each time when he shows up with only more bills and more catalogs.
The hardest part is that I know for my own recovery, not only will I have to throw away the catalogs, but I'll have to apologize to her for each time I have dragged them down from the attic and angrily shoved them in her face demanding delivery for each item. I will not be confident in my recovery until I can do this. I am lamenting the fact that it still feels to be in the far too distant future.
I do love the way you describe stored up anger and resentment. I carried a ton of that around with me before program and did not have a clue how the world to let go.
I am so pleased that Al-Anon gave me the Steps of the slogans and offered a way to set myself free from this pain. I assure you one day at a time this can happen
First of all, it was pointed out out that I was the only one suffering. That the anger and resentments were hurting me and that I had a choice. I could work the steps, examine my motives, keep the focus on myself, acknowledge my part in the situation, own up to all this to myself and another person, let go of the anger and resentment and need for an apology.
When I was able to do this-- the built of anger resentment was lifted and to this day I can remember all the incidences that once caused me so much pain and the pain is gone. The memories are still there.
Something else that I learned about this program and making amends. I was told that making amends did not mean I had to say I was sorry.
That was disappointing because saying I'm sorry, came easy to me. I would apologize and say I'm sorry all the time, just to end the argument or to make peace. I never really was sorry.
For me making amends meant changing my behavior, my thoughts, my actions towards the other person. When these change happened I was able to treat the situation and the person with courtesy and respect and if this issue ever surfaced we could discuss it without condemnation or blame.
I once asked my wise therapist how I could start to let my many resentments go, and she said that resentments are easier to let go of if the situation has become different. In other words, if the A is coming home dead drunk and irresponsible every night, it's hard to let go of the pain and resentment over the incidents when new incidents are still happening. If the A has changed and the string of incidents is long in the past, it's easier to let go. I understood that part of the reason I wasn't letting go was protecting myself against future pain. I wasn't going to trust my A until my A could be trusted. In my particular circumstances, my A never achieved longterm sobriety and so couldn't be trusted. So in my case, I created the difference between the past and the present by leaving. I imagine there are many ways to separate the past and the present, if they are indeed different. But sometimes I think we need that anger to galvanize us to protect ourselves.
I have tried to explain that phenomenon many times with the phrase "You can't forgive someone for slapping you when they are still slapping you." Circumstances are such that I will remain in arms reach for at least 3 more years. In the meantime I will practice dodging the slaps with detachment.
I can relate. I found al anon 6 months ago. But it still drives me crazy to know that my own recovery requires apologies when I act wrongly, whilst the As never, ever apologize when they act like jerks. It drives me less crazy than it did 6 months ago though-- I feel less burdened when I've made my own amends. And as I've come to value myself more, I've been able to let go of a lot of resentment. Resentment really only hurts me, not the As, and as I've come to be worth something to me, I'm shedding resentments for my own well being, not anyone else's.
Just an additional thought on the subject. Using alanon tools of detachment, keeping the focus on myself, stopping gossip and blame, minding my own business and not engaging, I was no longer subject to the insanity of the disease.
Working a 10th step each day all worked together to reach serenity within and once I reached this point I guarded it with all my tools as it was a perfect the inner peace I desired. I no longer reacted and did not need another to validate me
Learning about both my disease and hers is helping me because I am learning not to expect an apology in the first place. Healthy people apologize. A's rarely do, so why should I expect it. So that slows down the delivery of new catalogs. Now I just have to work on cleaning the attic.
I have dealt with this, too. I have had some insights these last few weeks -- one was to really get on a heart level (not just intellectually) that my ex AW experiences reality COMPLETELY differently from me. Along with that came an insight that any time she and I were BOTH saying, "If only Dawn (me) would have done X, everything would have been better, worked out, not been an issue..." etc. there's a problem. So even though she was in the AA program for a couple of years, for example, she never made to me for the things that happened before (in fact, they were still happening, and as AlmostThere says, "if someone is still slapping you..."). Now that she has had an affair with a trusted friend, said she was done with me in the cruelest terms, and continued to be abusive to me even after she left, she has still not apologized and she probably never will. I honestly don't think she even thinks she did anything wrong. That's one of the things that led me to have the insight about how differently we experience reality.
As people have mentioned many times, you can go crazy on the hamster wheel just trying to make sense out of obvious craziness. I think actively waiting for an alcoholic to "see things how any normal person would" and apologize or make amends has again and again put me squarely in front of Al-Anon's first step. Sending you hugs...
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Thanks spooky. Yeah before even getting into thinking about recovery for myself, I would consider how I might respond to the question "Why are you and she splitting up?" and one of my planned responses was "We don't exist in the same reality." And for certain that is the most honest. In re-examining my role in events past, I can see each of us trying to force our reality on the other until both our realities were so warped that the Starship Enterprise couldn't navigate it's way through. It feels like freefall when reality melts away in front of your eyes. Scary. You don't feel it slipping away at first, then you do and you're powerless to stop it. Then you land with a smack at the bottom of the well. I'll be happy when I can feel confident in my evaluation of situations again. Day by day. Stop. Breathe. HP. Detach. Boundaries. Limits. Validation. Affirmation. Can't wait till I can make at least some of it second nature.
This is indeed a fellowship of equals and by sharing our own journey we grow and help others on the way You are doing the same 