The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
why do I have to learn the hard way? Ugh! Stubborness runs deep in this Texas girl!
My AH once again suffered a physical ailment due to his drinking and had yet another doctor tell him he needed to stop drinking. He didn't share this with me until 3 weeks after it happened. Whatever. So he started off good...was a really nice person for two whole days (I was so happy) but after that I saw what people, I think anyway, refer to as a dry drunk. He was worse than when he drinks! At least when he is actively drinking he comes home late and goes straight to sleep...during this sobriety kick (yes he is already back to drinking now) he was IMPOSSIBLE. Anyway, enough about him. My point in posting is that I have had this flawed thinking that if he woluld just get sober, everything would be fine. I was wrong and I see that now and it is causing me to really look at myself and examine many things. This disease is not just about the alcohol. I finally get it.
So sorry for the pain you are going through. The good news - you aren't alone! I agree with those above me - hugs to you and be kind and gentle to you - there is a light
at the end of the tunnel even if you can't yet see it.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I always thought if I acted a different way, did more, said less things would change. I even thought this as a child when my dad drank so much. I also thought when I went to Al-Anon I would be told how to get my husband sober. Al-Anon is all about us. I am so glad I found Al-Anon. I am sorry you are going through so much.
Hugs to you. Finding out that getting sober was only the first step for my AH was hard. He's been sober 135 days and it's only in the last few weeks have we started talking about issues that we never could talk about when he was drinking.
Knowing that we still have a lot of to do was a revelation.... this is hard work we do.
hugs to you.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
The good news is that now you know that him not drinking doesn't make everything better. We have to see this stuff with our own eyes a lot of the time before we can really know it even if we've heard it a thousand times.
So now you've been released from that expectation and you can move onto more healing and growing for YOU!! Yay!!!
I saw a quote I liked today- "sometimes when things are falling apart they're really falling into place".
Big hugs to you. Dry drunk behaviour is just awful. I hope you can do something nice for you today!!
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Sorry to hear you have to deal with all that, Fairlee.
I found it quite interesting when I read _How Al-Anon Works_ that so many of the cases involve
couples that don't end up together even after recovery. I became one of those myself although
in my case, I didn't think my AW had actually recovered. It was only a couple more weeks
before I found out that she didn't as she officially relapsed for the first time after her rehab.
I think getting sober is part of the battle. After that there's the discovery about who the
A actually is without the alcohol. Depending on how long that's gone on, s/he may be
someone you get along with or not... and depending on what kind of damage the alcohol
has caused, who knows if s/he is even the person you knew and agreed to be together with?
Our....disease is cunning, powerful and baffling...it taught me to memorize that and to keep it in the forefront of my mind always even after she is no longer in my life. The disease remains with me and presently is tugging at my suspenders to use old patterns of behavior , thoughts and feelings which never worked. I stay in program which sometimes is un-nerving and always has better outcomes. One reason is because I get to network with a Higher Power than the disease which gives me confidence. We are not allowed to get down on Fairlee so you are not either...take Pinks suggestion because that is what works. See your self as the person you want the alcoholic to be. At times you're going to get "had" by our disease and I learned to respond without ego to it..."Okay, alcoholism 1 Jerry F 0" and then restart the game. Keep coming back...you're growing. (((((hugs)))))
Fairlee, I am going through this same thing. My AH has been sober a few days. But now there is an underlying resentment toward me, like it is ME who is keeping him from what he wants.
LI17 said, "depending on what kind of damage the alcohol has caused, who knows if s/he is even the person you knew," and this is something I too am realizing. When I fell in love with my AH, he was much healthier and the long-term effects of drinking had not taken hold yet. They continued over years, in spite of many warnings from doctors (no rehab in my case, although he'd quit on his own for as much as a year, only to go back because sobriety was "boring.")
Something I've realized is that I was not wrong or crazy to fall in love with the person he was at the time. From what I could see, he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Now that the consequences of drinking have affected him, he is a different person in many ways although he is not drinking to my knowledge, and I need to relate to this different person. I can only change the things I can change, and one of those things is how I behave toward this new person. One thing that helps me is to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean." Honestly it isn't easy to not feel and show resentment, but I am working on that.
Sweetie, I have gone through this same thing over years. It took me a lot longer to have your revelation. I think a lot of us have had that feeling: if only "they" would get sober, everything would be manageable. Nothing is manageable where alcohol(ics) are concerned when they are drinking or dry drunk. I feel like I just figured out why deeply understanding that is the first step of the 12. I'm sorry you're going through this. A lot of people are sending you hugs and support.
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
