The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last month my AW left me. As I stated in other posts, she said she was "done" (ouch.) That I hadn't been attractive to her in years (Double ouch.) And that she was having an affair with someone I trusted and had invested in (Very, very ouch). Anyway, we all walked toward each other and I was overcome by sadness -- I have had periods of anger -- many I have vented safely here, knowing it would pass -- but grief is underneath, clearly). My ex finally noticed me and made a complete turn and walked away from me fast. Her person continued to walk by me. I lowered my head, not in shame or from being cowed, but just because it was painful. The pain was pretty overwhelming at first. I just kept saying the serenity prayer. I realized there is nothing I can do. On many levels I feel like this comes down to the fact that I no longer make her feel high, and, of course, any new flirtatious or affair-type relationship certainly does -- they were walking close and laughing and beaming before they saw me. I know I have made mistakes and I am working on myself and trying to take responsibility for my patterns and I think I have been doing well... getting perspective on separating myself (feelings, reactions, enabling, etc.) but to be honest today hurt bad. Luckily there was a meeting right after this happened. I wanted to hear from people who have gone through this and hear how they handled it.
Did it make you mad? Sad? Did anything from the program work for you? How have you conceptualized or felt it?
Thanks in advance!
-- Edited by SpookyMulder on Wednesday 20th of May 2015 03:23:04 PM
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Her rejection is God's protection. Let someone else have her sorry butt. It's easier said than done I know...It's still new and it was a long relationship. Acceptance helps. From all you have written, it had ceased being a healthy relationship for a while. I also would not take that personal. Think about it. What would you need to be in order to be compatible with an intermittently rage filled, verbally abusive, dry drunk? You would need to be dysfunctional too and that is not appealing is it?
Spooky -
So sorry for your pain.....can not be easy at all.
I think you need to pat yourself on the back - you handled the situation with grace and dignity.
I love what pinkchip shared - that her rejection is God's protection. That sounds so simple, yet so true.
I am one who believes that there is a master plan, and nothing happens by mistake. My HP will guide and direct me so long as I allow him and follow.
Grieving is real, necessary and unavoidable for growth and happiness. What you are feeling is real and you are walking through 'it' as you should.
I don't have experience grieving over a relationship with a partner, but I grieve over the broken relationship with both of my A sons. One is sober, has been for almost 5 years and
he chooses to not make amends and stay distant. He has my only grandchild, another on the way and lives about 10 mins. from my home. This causes me almost more pain than
when I thought he would die from his disease.
I get through the sad times by doing exactly what you are doing. Going to meetings, writing about it and talking about it brings some healing in spite of the situation/outcome.
((((hugs)))) to you and celebrate your use of grace and dignity today in the unexpected encounter. That to me is grand success!
Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I don't know if this applies to your situation. But it hurt like HECK when my crazy dysfunctional addict rejected me. I mean it was so painful I thought I was just going to die. So I got to thinking, "What about this crazy dysfunctional person am I missing? How can it be that I'm so attached to this situation which was almost nothing but painful?"
I realized that my feelings about my A were real, but they weren't really about my A. They were about my pain at not having found someone reliable, loving, exciting, and healthy. At not having found a good relationship. At not "winning" over the bad relationship. About my fear and feeling of aloneness. My grief at having had so many painful relationships, starting with the one with my parents.
My relationship with my A helped numb those feelings, because I was filled with so much excitement and hope. And then the struggle of trying to make the relationship work also disguised those feelings.
When I realized that those strong, almost unbearable feelings of rejection weren't really about that one person, but about my whole situation, it began to make sense, and it took the power out of the situation.
All your responses were so wise and penetrating. I want you to know that everything all of you said was tremendously helpful and VERY resonant. I think I mentioned the "other woman" is straight, married, and has kids. The whole situation, before I started Al-Anon, made me sick and panicky because I kept thinking about how many people were getting hurt: me, our rescue animals, the husband, the kids in this woman's family, etc. Now I truly know that I am not responsible for any of it except myself. Pinkchip's comment, "Let someone else have her sorry butt" was the initial comic relief I really needed, and the laughter (funny because it is true) let me be so open to hearing Mattie's comments about identifying exactly WHAT is it I'm missing and realized it was the exact same thing! And thank you Iamhere for validating that my grief is real, but will pass. I feel very blessed to have you all here with me.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Ohhh I love that saying that her rejection is God's protection. That is an absolute gem! How do I deal with this alcoholic nonsense, particularly rejection? I've turned that focus on me. Not only am I working daily on my program and my serenity and integrity, but I'm transforming the outside, too. I've lost quite a bit of weight, I've started wearing makeup, I've ditched my slouchy clothes for flattering stuff. I smile more and mean it. More than one A in my life is shocked by the transformation, outside and inside. And I love that...happiness truly is the best revenge!
I can feel your hurt and I'm so sorry for your grief over this...sometimes I think the hardest things end up being the best things, but it takes time to see it. So glad you are here :) and I love what Irish7 said: " happiness is truly the best revenge " So true.
-- Edited by Fairlee on Wednesday 20th of May 2015 10:45:04 PM
I know what that's like...been there and done that myself, I mean how you handled it; feeling the feelings without getting completely swept aware by them. Understanding that the end meant I would not have to keep trying and it was okay to let her end it this time without me attempting to or wishing I could or would. I knew there would be other guys because that was part of the journey toward the end so I used acceptance without negative thoughts, judgment, or blame after all what we were dealing with was a disease of massive proportions and more would be coming around the corner at anytime so like you I used the meetings and the literature and sponsor and my Higher Power constantly to keep me inside the first three steps...I can't, God can, I'll let God. More work on acceptance of the fact that it was happening and not on the morality of it and detachment with love kept me safe from all of the negative thoughts, feelings and actions I could have used and which would have made things worse for me. I didn't need worse. I needed serenity. Learning a workable definition of "Sanity" gave me a example of what to work with..."A continuous, and orderly, process of thought". That still works today. Keep doing the right thing. ((((hugs))))
What Fairlee mentioned also helped me a lot..."Let time take time" Easy Does It.
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 21st of May 2015 04:18:53 AM
The more I understood the disease the more I realized it wasn't about me. There was nothing defective about me that makes another living human being behave in a not nice way that is soooo their issue.
I was hurt, angry, sad .. time takes time .. I had to work on me in terms of what was my reactions to being rejected by a reject. (sounds harsh .. lol .. old time Alanon speaker talks about it .. it's actually funny the way she says it). I just had to get into my program and know my own truth about me. If someone else says I'm a rock does that make it true? No, of course not. I still have issues with the anger however it's more about wanting to be done with a situation and not being allowed to move forward is what it feels like.
I just remember my XAH saying to me he no longer had feelings for me and pretty much he just didn't care .. for whatever my character defects what stood out the most was the issue that I had to start dealing with my thought processes that I wanted to be loved by someone who just didn't want me back.
It was not an accident that I have picked emotionally unavailable men to be with and if we attract what we are putting out then I have to deal with me. I can only change 3 things .. my behavior, my attitude and my choices. I had to really look at why I picked him and what was my emotional payoff for picking someone who really didn't want me.
My observation of people especially addicts is they want what they want when they want it and when guilt, shame and so on are associated with those people then they have to move on to the next feel good .. be it person or substance of their choice.
Addicts have 3 stages .. fun stage (you might loose a relationship), the no so fun stage (that's when the law gets involved), and the not fun stage (which can involve death, homelessness and so on).
I met my XAH during the tail end of the "fun" stage.
Hugs it gets better keep coming back :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all so much. It helps to simply know that I am not alone. I am sorry you have all been through these things, too. It's funny, SerenityRUS, that you made mention of looking at why being rejected by a "reject" hurt so much. I have been examining that a lot. I don't have any answers yet, but some intuitions. I think I believed I didn't deserve better, so already knew she was going to have problems. I don't mean that she isn't a worthy human being, I just mean that because of my past I am way too comfortable with chaos, a lack of love, someone who demands the lion's share of support and affection. I think any time you are rejected it is tough -- obviously on any level as human beings we want people to like us -- but someone as intimate as a spouse means the rejection is so very deep. They know all your secret places. Having someone reject those hurts. I think also, just looking at it all as a phenomena, if a person picks someone they think is a "reject" and then are rejected by them, there is probably a certain feeling like, "Oh my God, I just got rejected by THAT? What does that say about me in relation to the scale..?" Is that something you were talking about also?
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I think so .. I mean I think I am guilty of feeling superior to my XAH even when we were together .. him not being ok made me feel better about me. I'm not sure if I'm conveying that properly. Seriously speaking I didn't set out with that in the front of my mind .. I think somewhere deep down it really did make me feel better about me and worse at the same time. A topic of conversation last night with my sponsor was the whole issue of self loathing .. let's face it there is a tremendous amount of self loathing on both sides of this equation the addict as well as the people who love addicts. Addicts truly aren't bad people .. they have bad behavior .. since I subscribe to a Christian faith .. I believe that I'm a sinner that doesn't make me bad it makes me more aware of my choices.
The gift of Alanon .. recognizing the issue of self responsibility .. part of the disease of co dependency is let's face it I sure martyred myself out big time .. I am a wanna be catholic .. lol .. Lutheran .. I believed I should have my own sainthood dealing with the insanity I did .. however .. if I get really honest about it .. I caused 80% of my own pain during my breakup. You talked about running into your X and feeling bad about it .. well was it feeling bad about the idea of it or is it really you miss the chaos and crisis mode that was in constant movement .. does that make sense? For me it's the idea of what I wanted .. my hopes and dreams of what could have been .. if I really look at the relationship it was sick .. not just on his part .. I was just as guilty of it. I became very angry and confused during the time we were together and I enmeshed myself into the relationship .. that was my choice .. I became addicted to the addict and just as addicted as he is to the highs and lows of his active triggers.
Now I can say oh crap .. lol .. hmm .. probably made a bad situation worse at the same time .. I won't apologize for standing up and saying this is enough I have other people to think about not just me.
There is NOW a major feeling of WTH was I thinking and the last time I saw him granted this has been December 2014 .. I thought UGH .. WTH was I thinking?? That guy totally skeezes me out!!!! He really did my skin started crawling .. that could just be because he carries a really slimy vibe at this point. There are things I do not miss .. I don't miss his lack of hearing, the bodily noises, the daily disrespect and so on .. I deserve something much better however .. I'm in a place I can give better when I'm not sounding like the angry Alanon lady which trust me .. right under the skin at the moment. There are many other factors it's not just him.
Two books come to mind if you aren't already reading them now .. How Alanon Works and From Survival to Recovery which I think you would get a great amount of information out of. Ohhhh .. read the Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage .. good stuff .. it helped me sort out a LOT of things in my own mind even though we weren't together at the time.
I wanted to add too that stuff about not being good enough garbage that is the disease talking big time .. that is the guilt, shame and so on .. that is so NOT about ME!! That was an excuse for HIS bad behavior and how he rationalized having the affairs and so on. He was so checked out however he couldn't be a man .. a man child can't be a man when they are not in their right minds. Dealing with active behavior is like dealing with a toddler having a massive tantrum. I also had the added fact of he started drinking when he was 14-15 years old and trust me I got that behavior from him as well.
Yes, .. what does the fact I picked this man to be the father of my kids really say about where I was at during that time? I don't know ... except I wasn't ok and that was ok that I wasn't ok because I know better today.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Great post and support! I went through something similiar and it was painful. I then talked about it with my Sponsor and some of the Fellowship. Talking it through made me realize God was probably doing for me what I coudn't do for myself. I was going in one direction and her in another(standing still). Like PC mentioned; in order for me to stay in that relationship I would have to be insane. The exact opposite of what I'm working so hard on. She has not changed, not a judgement, just a fact. Matter of fact she just got a DWI and know has no license. Her response; there's no problem, just was unlucky.
Remember this: "Sometimes God removes people from our life for our protection. Remember that, before you go running back to them".
It's a pretty crappy feeling for sure. It's hard not to obsess and the picture of the two of them can be hard to shake for awhile. You're right, knowing the rationale doesn't lessen the hurt. Lots of meetings and being good to yourself and allowing nurturing from others especially an Alanon sponsor may help ease the pain a bit. Be gentle with yourself, keep sharing.
You sound like way beyond ever intentionally allowing yourself to be another person's fix. Keep growing. ((hugs)))) TT
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