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I have to admit this is the first time I thought of seeking help and just support, in this manner.
I am a 40 year old, married, father of 1. We have been married for 13 years this october. The drinking has gotten progressively worse since 2009. My wife is to the point where she drinks 8 - 10 tall boys a night. I can't even drink 3. How she functions is beyond me. Not to mention the least of which, money is very tight for us and she spends 20/ night on that many tall boys. She has severe mood swings, the worst part is she works for a family business and is really the only one that brings revenue in, so she uses alcohol to cope with work, has this feeling of sole responsibility of keeping the business afloat and it's a vicious cycle that I feel will be very hard to end.
I feel so lost, i work shifts at work, 6am-2pm, 7-3pm, 8-4pm, 9-5pm and 1-9pm, all two week rotations, which makes it very difficult to arrange care, or drop my son off for school, which then makes me dependent on her. Like i previously mentioned money is very tight so i feel like im in a corner as i don't think we can even afford to separate. My wife has on occasion admitted that she needs to stop drinking, but won't go for help because 1) she's worried clients will see her and what kind of image for her company will that make and 2) doesn't feel she can leave work for an extended period due to her being the sole revenue generator in the company.
Not sure what to do, i have been looking at apartments but I feel like just walking out, isn't doing everything i can to help her, but I have tried for 6 years. The problem above all of this is my son. Who is a very sweet, caring, generous boy, and for him to see his mother always with a beer in hand, is not a good example. I feel as though I am letting him down by staying, but feel the same way about leaving, I'm letting him down for kind of giving up, by not making our marriage work.
I feel responsible for my wife's drinking and I make suggestions all the time, try coming home instead of buying beer on your way home, i suggest waiting 5 mins before opening a beer, she cracks one the minute she gets home, that is the first thing she does, but that doesn't work either, I feel so lost, I feel like a child in a situation for the first time. I feel so inadequate and feel i don't have the necessary tools to help her deal with this.
She also puts enormous amounts of pressure on me. She tells me its my job to help her feel happy, that when she's in one of her moods and being belligerent and mean i should want to hug her and want to kiss her, I don't understand this, if she's being mean and telling me how i've screwed up over and over and how im an asshole, i don't feel like i want to hug her or kiss her.
I feel like this is a cycle i can't break and i feel so utterly helpless
Welcome endlessly hopeless-- the good news is that you're not alone and that there is hope. Living with the insanity of disease of alcoholism causes many of us to lose hope become anxious and angry and resentful. The most important thing that I learned was that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive disease over which I was powerless. Because of this, I had developed many destructive coping tools in order to deal with the insanity and needed a program of recovery of my own.
Al-Anon is the recovery program. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is in the white pages. It is here that I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time, break the isolation by attending meetings to develop new constructive tools to live by.
Please keep coming back here as well there is a life and hope for you.
Thanks for the reply, you're right, it does create anxiety and anger and resentment. I try to go to the gym regularly, I play baseball once a week, and I take my son out as much as possible to ensure how much he's impacted by this is as limisted as possible. It's nice to know there are people to listen and talk to. Makes it easier to get by a moment in a day.
Like many of us I have felt just what you described. In addition to face to face meetings and Alanon literature, a book I found helpful is called: The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage. I recognized myself in there and it helped me make some changes for me.
You are being abused. Plain and simple, in my opinion. I just got out of a relationship exactly like yours in terms of the expectations of enabling, the horrible verbal abuse and the "I just need you to show me love when I'm like that.." f@(& that. It is her responsibility to deal with her own pain and to control herself. You are powerless over her alcoholism (her behavior included, as that is what it is) and the only thing you have control over is yourself. I have found that Al-Anon meetings are really helping me figure out what was truly going on in this cycle in my marriage and in my life (our past traumas, etc impact the assumptions and reactions we have about everything). I commend you for looking for a place to live, for putting your boy first. One thing that helped me was to keep repeating to myself "You don't owe her anything." Obviously, we want to be kind and come from a place of serenity, but for me, I was so sucked into her guilt trips, paranoia, and criticism I got to the point where I felt I owed her everything: a way to make her happy, a way to help her quit drinking (or having dry drunk behavior), taking care of her, doing the chores around the house. If you can, do try to go to meetings. It really helps. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want to talk!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I feel as if I could have written a lot of your post myself.
I felt as if I needed to do something to help my wife stop drinking. It took me a long time to figure out that it didn't matter what I did - my wife drinks because she is an alcoholic. I cannot change that, no matter how hard I try. I still find myself sometimes feeling an emotional response to her statement "if only XXXX, then I wouldn't have to drink so much." Then I remind myself that I spent years trying to fix the "XXXX" in that statement, and nothing I did worked, because really, she needs to say "If only I were not an alcoholic, I wouldn't drink so much."
And the resentment, as well. Money is tight for us, too. She lost her job a year and a half ago, dropped out of school a year ago, and has done basically nothing since then. Boy, do I resent that, especially on the nights I go to my second job and come home to a house that is still not any cleaner than it was when I left. The serenity prayer helps me a lot with that one. Accept the things I cannot change, change what I can, and know the difference. No clean laundry can be fixed by doing the wash when I am letting the dogs in and out , and it is a major victory when the laundry is clean. When I get a chance, I will fold it and put it away, but clean is the priority. I can go to work wrinkly, I cannot go to work without clean clothes.
You are not alone, keep coming back. It works.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
spooky and skorpi I'm going to reply to both in this one post, it's crazy, what you write. Spooky writes "I just need you to show me love when I'm like that.." that is something EXACTLY to a T she says, exactly like verbatim, and it's like a bad f*ing dream, so you are going to treat me like s***, but expect me to be all rainbows and roses, bending over backwards to make you feel better? WTF kind of mentality is that?
Skorpi talks about going to work and coming home to a messy house is in my opinion a F*ING joke. There are days she takes off from work and stays home and she does ABSOLUTELY nothing, all her dishes are in the sink, her pots from cooking, no laundry NOTHING, on days when she keeps my son home from school, all of this PLUS he hasn't gotten out to play the entire day.
I feel so powerless and being a strong person that is hard to accept. I try very hard to work on only the things i can or can't change, I can't change her alcoholism, until she decides she REALLY AND TRULY wants to quit, she'll never quit. She has said and this is sad, that she's not an alcoholic, she just uses it to cope. Sweetheart that is by definition exactly what an alcoholic is.
I try to shelter my son as best I can, but like i explained in my earlier post im not always there and then he has to deal with her mood swings and freak outs. She called me at work this morning LITERALLY bawling her eyes out because, my son was moving slowly in the morning (he's 8 and tired at 630 in the morning) and i didn't make his lunch. Last night i put all his snacks in his lunch box, all she had to do was make a sandwich cause if you make it at night it gets soggy, it's a f*ing sandwich and that sends you into a tail spin. She talks about how i didn't do the prep for her lunch or breakfast so she's not going to eat today cause she had this freak out and i should have done prep last night. She gets mad at me because I was home (shifts allowing) with my son to do mornings for 3 straight weeks. She is mad because for 3 weeks she heard about how great mornings were, how quick he moved and got dressed and ate breakfast. And then on her first day, he's slow, not listening, taking forever, arguing ***as i read this, I can see exactly why this is happening, he is doing it maybe out of anger, maybe even out of learned behaviour with her***
I just don't know if i can keep going through the motions and to be quite honest, being honest with myself, am i doing the best thing for my son by trying to keep this marriage working *relatively speaking* while he witnesses her drinking so much. God I could write for days.
Thank you all for being here, I feel like a weight has been lifted just being able to TALK about it.
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 19th of May 2015 03:26:30 PM
Sounds maddening. Sounds like classic alcoholism too especially in the quote "I use it to cope" when meanwhile, the truth is that it is clearly reducing her coping skills down to nothing. Welcome to Alanon and glad you are here!
Like others here, it seems as though I've written your post myself.
My wife, much like yours, drinks everyday. I have a 16 y/o son, 11 y/o step daughter, 9 y/o step daughter, and a 2 1/2 y/o daughter. It doesn't matter if they are around or not. She's even taken them to the store to buy her poison. Her poison is wine. She generally has 2-4 bottles a day. I, also, don't understand how she functions. I think money being tight is another commonality. My wife lost her job several months ago. Every month she's not employed, we lose $800 plus whatever she drinks. I can definitely relate to your situation.
By her saying she's afraid of going to get help because she may see someone she knows, it's just one of the many excuses I've heard over the past few years. My wife said the same thing when it came to her job. She was an executive at a highly recognized corporation. She, too, brought in the majority of our income. The problem was, her alcoholism was wrecking her job. She would show me some of the emails she would have between her boss and her. I was amazed she kept her job as long as she did with some of the things she said. Of course, she was completely hammered.
If you keep coming back here, you will learn a lot of useful things to keep your sanity intact. The 3 C's addresses this bolded part. You didn't Cause their alcoholism. You can't Control their alcoholism. You can't Cure their alcoholism. This really helped me keep my head straight when she says "I only drink because of 'insert this week's excuse'." Another good thing for you to check into is detachment with love. This has been my savior. I still have lots of learning to do, but boy has it gotten me through some rough things.
You aren't not responsible for anyone's happiness but your own. You cannot MAKE anyone feel anything, either they do or they don't. As men, we are programmed to fix things. Alcoholism isn't something you can fix. That was a really big deal for me and caused me a lot of stress.
You're not alone when you feel like it's a cycle of madness. For me, M-F is an alcoholic nightmare with my wife. Saturday is spent recovering from the hell she's put her body through that week. It can range from just laying around the house, to ending up in the emergency room because she's going through withdraw that badly. Sunday is spent saying how she is tired of feeling this way, how she wants to quit etc. Sure enough, Monday hits and the cycle repeats itself.
Welcome to MIP. So sorry for your pain and like others, I can relate....to all of it.
I am a double-winner, meaning I'm in AA and Alanon. I've been sober for 27 years and can relate to how 'she' is as well.
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. It is progressive and those who can't find recovery typically end up in one of 3 places - mental hospital, institution or under ground.
I visited the jails twice and that was enough of a bottom for me to realize I had a problem and needed to make changes. I was court appointed to AA and liked it enough that I stayed and worked the program.
I have an AH & 2 sons who are addicts. For the active user, this disease is in control. Every action, emotion, movement, etc. is fueled by the disease. All 3 of my A(s) are wonderful hearted, but when they are active, they are completely different - selfish, self-centered, cheating, lies, etc. - you name it ... it is woven into their being and the only effective treatment is hitting bottom and choosing recovery.
For me, when I got super crazy and found Alanon, I was so defeated, so broken, so anxious and so, so crazy!!! I learned here and thru F2F meetings that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and nothing I do will bring a cure. I was taught that I could love them and hate the disease. I was taught how to get through each day with dignity, self-respect and grace.
I applaud you for reaching out and coming here - you've taken the first step in learning how to recover from the affects this disease has on us. I do understand the financial situation and know that causes many extra anxiety. I believe if you go to some meetings, get a sponsor and start working the program, you will be able to set boundaries and detach which will help you better determine what comes next.
There are meetings here each day - morning and evening - they are excellent and full of love.
Know that you are not alone and my best advice for right now is look at life one day at a time. No worries about yesterday - it's come and gone. No worries about tomorrow - it's not yet here. Focus on the right here and now and how you can be at peace moment by moment. It will come!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wow I could so relate with my exAH and me. Ever read "Getting them sober" by Toby Rice Drews or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie? Those books with al-anon meetings, MIP, my sponsor and my 3 daily readers helped me to work a solid program and get myself heathy! Sending you love and support on your journey!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
IAfter reading your reply, hopeless, I wanted mention another thing. I, too, have always been a "strong" person. I thought I could be all things to an AW that she had missed out on in the past: mother, father, counselor, doctor, nurse, maid, handyman... I thought "If I just show her enough that someone cares, she will get better." I didn't realize at the time I also felt as though this would guarantee she would stay with me (it didn't work, by the way)...I had no idea how deep my own abandonment issues went. And somehow, subconsciously, I felt like if I could "fix" her I could salve my own pain, left over from the alcoholics and addicts I was powerless to save as a child.
I would mention that your son is soaking all this up like a sponge. He will replicate what he sees. Right now, my opinion is that he will replicate the relationship as it stands or he will replicate the rejection of such a life and the ability someone has to say "Enough." I know we aren't supposed to give advice, and I am only one person and a newcomer at that -- I am just speaking as someone who has dealt with all this as a child...and also an adult who has been where you are (and still is in many ways).
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
Us three guys are in the same situation. I was 2 days from finalizing the divorce but took her back to save my 7 year old daughter from divorce. But perhaps in the end it was actually the best decision. She lied around for a week straight drinking and sleeping. All depressed saying she's not "good enough" for our daughter or me. All I can do is say "yes you are, if you stop drinking".. I can't stop her. I've tried for 7 years and finally went to Al Anon and work every day at my program. It's hard with running a company, a household, bills etc. She just stays at home and when she is okay helps out but when not she just is there I guess. I've learned to live with it and try to set "boundaries" and "detach with love" but it's hard as the resentment is so high.
I'm so sorry. I think many of us can relate to your post. I'm glad you are here...there is so much wisdom and strength to gain here. Please remember that you are not responsible for your wife's drinking. F2F meetings have been a life saver for me, when I finally gathered up the courage to go. Guilt is a hard thing to deal with and it amazes me how, as spouses of alcoholics, we project so much guilt on ourselves that really isn't our problem. Let us know how you are doing...as long as you are doing what is best for you and your son, you can't go wrong.
Wow, where to start. I wasn't able to log on yesterday so imagine my surprise to see all these wonderful replies. I can't tell you what it means to know there are people out there to talk to. I knew I wasn't alone but it felt like such a hole to be in. The suggestions and resources are amazing, I will definitely look into everything everyone suggested, knowing I'm not alone and there are ways to find tools to deal with better makes today easier.
Ill give a bit more of a back story. In 2003 I started working for her parents company. Talk about being trapped, so many times I wanted to leave but imagine how hard it would be to think about leaving when we're broke, my income comes from her family and now I am thinking about leaving? It felt almost impossible. So in 2012 I told them I'd had enough and left. That was the first and probably best step I ever took. Another reason was hard was when she drank she became very mean and would threaten me. Threaten to take my son, threaten to ruin me so I would not be able to see my son. Every story has 2 sides, when she was disconnected and drinking and being abusive I had an emotional affair, someone I could talk to and feel connected to, someone who didn't judge me, someone who allowed me to make a connection with someone. (side note my dad died when I was 7, so i probably have abandonment issues). So she found out about this emotional affair and was even nicer after that. That was 5 years ago (she still brings this up in arguments to this day) and I worked hard at trying to build up this relationship, repair what I had done so she felt supported and could make the changes that she needed to and those changes haven't occurred. So I have made changes and wonder WTF went wrong when she is in the same situation. When found about the affair she went to her parents and drafted a commitment agreement. Stating that I would help her on the road to recovery, that it was my responsible at her beckon call to support her and help her make the changes. At the bottom of that contract her and her father drafted up they wrote that if I had another affair I would relinquish custody of my son. Looking back I know this wasn't a binding contract, but working for her parents, feeling trapped you could see how it would scare me and working with her parents you could understand how trapped I felt.
God as I write this I realize what a f*ing long and stressful road this has been. I have to admit ( I feel that telling both sides of the story is vital in any situation) she has made some changes, she never threatens my son now, has been for over 18 months, she had some epiphany that she should not be doing that. But the drinking and the mood swings and just how blatantly angry she gets over the littlest of things.
So 2012 was a new journey. I recently applied for an internal position at work that will give me a normal 8-4 shift, which would allow me to drive my son to school and pick him up every day which is another hurdle I had to overcome. I got a raise that I ignored and since we were surviving on my old salary, all the money i get on my new pay scale I put in savings. So when if I ever get to the end of my rope there will be some money there to make a step.
Thank you all for your well wishes and thoughts, it really does help and thank you for taking the time to read my posts.
The problem above all of this is my son. Who is a very sweet, caring, generous boy, and for him to see his mother always with a beer in hand, is not a good example. I feel as though I am letting him down by staying, but feel the same way about leaving, I'm letting him down for kind of giving up, by not making our marriage work.
Hi endlessly,
Have you been to any Al Anon meetings yet? After about 6 months of work in Al Anon, I came to understand that I am a perfectionist. I won't start anything if it looks like I won't come out perfect, and I won't let anything go if it looks like I'm not perfect. That includes my marriage. I found that one of the reasons I was staying in my marriage was my fear of being seen as less than perfect. There are many other reasons, so I am still in the marriage, with a wife who is now in recovery, but I have had to let go of the fear of failure thing. If it comes down to it, I will leave, because my son's life is too important to sacrifice to my fear of failure and perfectionism. He doesn't need to be exposed to all that goes with the A package, nor does he need to grow up thinking he has to be perfect.
she has made some changes, she never threatens my son now, has been for over 18 months, she had some epiphany that she should not be doing that. But the drinking and the mood swings and just how blatantly angry she gets over the littlest of things.
Do keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive disease, and will never get better, only stagnate or get worse without recovery. If she already has history of being violent, it's quite possible she will be again once enough alcohol has taken more of her inhibitions away. Epiphanies last such a short time in most peoples' mind, let alone in the alcoholics. Please stay alert, aware, and prepared for more violence.
