The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having such a hard time dealing with my anger and resentment towards my AH. He was going to meetings but this weekend didn't go to one. On Friday he tried to say that the other guys were far worse off in the meetings, basically making excuses. Then this weekend he was making tons of excuse to get out of the house and probably go and drink. I just can't ignore it for some reason and it just adds to my anger towards him and the disease. I know that I have to hate the disease and love the AH but I just can't seem to detach. The whole lying to my face when I know he has been drinking is just getting to me to the point where I have to patients with my two young kids. I just feel like leaving is going to come very very soon as I am not sure I can mentally take it anymore. My AH says he is trying but I just texted to him to say that he really needs to be honest with himself. Ugh, feeling so down after a weekend that i was hoping was going to be peaceful.
I know what it is like to get to the point where you are praying for "just a peaceful evening" or "just a peaceful weekend." I am a newcomer, but I am starting to see that by the time it has gotten to that point, we as enablers/co-dependents are just as crazy as the alcoholics in our lives. One deserves, in my humble opinion, to be free of stress so unrelenting and oppressive that one has to pray fervently just for a moment of peace. What I am finding out is that it was my responsibility to start depending on myself for peace, because God knows we can't depend on the alcoholics in our lives. It was tough for me to admit at first that I was half of the problem, since I had let my own wife treat me as she did, I had no boundaries, and felt like if I tolerated her impulsivity and abuse then she "owed" me and would never leave. Now I realize how manipulative that is -- I was trying to fix my abandonment issues with someone who was completely untrustworthy and out of control. It seems like for some reason we codies/enablers have this deep need to "get it right" or "fix this person/situation" almost as if we feel that if we succeed once, it will make all the past trauma go away. I haven't figured out why this line of thinking is so prevalent when it is clearly so nonsensical for us! LOL I understand your anger. In my case, I was not just angry with my AW for "letting me down" but also angry with myself that I had allowed things to deteriorate and allowed myself to become such a victim. Although I am new I can already glimpse that there is a way out. I will keep coming back and I hope you do, too. Welcome warmly and thanks for sharing your feelings. XO
__________________
Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
So sorry for your anger, resentments and sadness. Living with this disease is extremely difficult.
Getting to a F2F meeting is a great way to work on our issues and ourselves that relate to this disease. If that is not an option in your area, there are meetings here - morning and evening.
My best advice for the emotional storms that follow unexpected outcomes is meditation, reading and action. For me, the more I think about these 'events', often the more emotion it triggers unless or until I just let go.
I have to keep close to the front of my brain that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. The best advice I got early on was to let go of all expectations as the disease was in control. While this was very tough to accept and to practice, it has helped me tremendously. By learning how to love me and do more for me/my home/my future, etc. I have learned that no matter what happens, I will be OK and loved.
Hang in there and know you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
For me the key was keeping my expectations low. Every time I thought "well, this will be a good night with AW" or "We'll just go to the grocery store and since I am there she won't want to buy a bottle of wine", I was disappointed. That's when living in the moment, one day at a time help. After all, my AW was an active alcoholic, what was she gonna go? Buy alcohol. Drink alcohol.
Are you going to F2F meetings? They can give you valuable help and support, someone to call when the weekend doesn't go how you planned.
Sorry to hear of your situation Jazz! But, you're in the right spot sharing here. It appears your AH is not ready for recovery. It will probably get woarse before it gets better. This is where we practice detachment with love. Knowing there's nothing WE can do until he is ready. He's on his personal journey.
In the meantime, turn the focus onto you and your kids. Alanon meetings are a great place to hear and share similiar experiences and start to build YOU from the inside out. The answer about your future will come the more you work on yourself and get your house in order. As we heal, sometimes others around us heal.
I can sooo relate!. ah lies to everyone but most heartbeakingly to HIMSELF. im in this sort of holding pattern because ive visited and revisited how to get away from situation without ending like a bag lady. yes, i have huge resentment,depression and hopelessness. yes, i go to meetings,seek help from HP and read lit,etc etc sometimes it is not enough. sometimes the slogans seem like ad jingles to me, not providing actual ideas and concrete solutions