The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father is an alcoholic (possibly sober now but not 100% sure...he did go to rehab a couple of years ago) and I am a grateful member of Al Anon. I have been working hard on my recovery through al anon and counseling.
Situations will come up where I have anxiety about my dad possibly drinking, traumatic memories or triggers and my husband is unable to be supportive. He will raise his tone of voice and start shooting out quetions like "i dont even know if he is an alcoholic" "you say these horrible things about what he's done but I've never seen it" "why don't we just never talk to him again."
Basically, he puts me in a place where I am having to prove to him that my dad is an alcoholic. I refuse to play that game b/c it is unhelpful in my recovery. All I know is that my dad's drinking and behavior greatly affected me. Other adult children of alcoholics out there I am sure realize that growing up with that leaves you with deep wounds and PTSD even.
I love my dad and I am able to have a good relationship with him now. I am able to detach with love, but there are times where I want to my husband to hold me and tell me he is there for me and tell me he realizes my pain.
Husband has read books, we are in couples counseling...he has even gone to an Al Anon meeting with me. He thinks it's all BS. He himself is not an alcoholic. If I was reading this as an outsider, I would wonder if he was...but he is not.
Please help. I can't live my life with him kicking me while I am down. It is re-traumatizing me. He is so great and wonderful in so many other ways.
Well....I do not have a similar experience as yours, but have been 'side-stepped' by those who just didn't know how to support me and therefore avoided me.
I have found that nobody understands how the disease affects us that's not lived it. I had to learn (the hard way) to look for support from like-minded persons vs. those closest to me.
When I find myself feeling hurt or rejected, I have to Pause. During this pause, I have to examine what I really feel and why (if possible). When I can get to an answer of sorts, I can ask for help from another program member or my HP.
I do believe there is some truth to the "Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus". We process differently and problem-solve differently. While many of my friends are male, when I need to talk about deep-seeded resentments, pain or other - I try to seek out women or my sponsor.
So - my best suggestion - if you aren't getting the support you want/need from your husband for your qualifier, perhaps try another person for support. Or be direct and tell your husband what you said above - Hold me, Tell me you are here for me and that you see my pain....it makes no difference why you need this, just that you do.
Families are tough. Love is tough. This disease is damaging as can be. Know that you aren't alone and that as you work the program, you will find more peace every day.
Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
It would help to meet in the middle. You really don't need him to empathise as much as you might think. His validation is not needed for your recovery and you are powerless over that similar to your dad's alcoholism. Give yourself the validation. Let your HP into the hurt parts so they can heal some. Wanting someone else to be able to see your hurt so bad when it isn't their experience is likely going to lead to disappointment. Alanon and ACOA are better places. Are you using the program to detach? How much do you want to hold onto the baggage and feel you need others to understand it as opposed to letting go?
That being said, this being yoir spouse, it woild help to have at least some understanding or acceptance that you need a program and that you have to be able to work it to stay well.
