The weekend turned out to be lovely and relaxed. It was fun picking brother up from the station and driving around; he doesn't drive and he has never known me to. He normally refuses to discuss driving simply saying "I don't want to and I never will" (I said that for many years) but he opened up a little to discuss his anxiety with me and suggested that "well if you can get over it and drive a car without having a breakdown maybe I can too". We have another brother who is 30 and "doesn't drive and never will", it's a kind of family curse it seems. Anyway I thought, how awesome would that be...if he could take it by the horns at 23 and move past it. But unless he brings it up again I'll leave it be; it's not my place to push him; it sure never worked with me!! I still felt a little it warm to have given him a bit of hope and inspiration. Yay!

This is noteworthy because old me would have been badgering him and trying to convince him to agree to some kind of plan, some way of "fixing him". I'm so glad to have let go of that side of myself. You miss a lot of who people are when you are preoccupied with who you think they should be. Instead I just enjoyed the peaceful lovely person that is my baby brother.

After little brother left tonight, daughters father started with the text messages. Very irrational and inflammatory; if he is going to let me take daughter to a party during HIS weekend with her then I better commit to taking her for 2 weekends in a row to make up for it. She doesn't want to go there at all so I am hardly going to force her to go 2 weekends in a row, ugh! So he sent me a message moaning about how he keeps missing time with her and I am never willing to make up for it (hello, he is the one who isn't available so ????) and how he is missing out on his daughter because of me and it's "all he has". I realised he was drunk at that point and stopped responding and it really gave me food for thought. He's done so little to help raise his child other than sending his wife to collect her every 2 weeks and leaving her at home while he goes and works or socialises, takes a few pictures with her and sticks them on facebook to show everyone what a great father he is. And I know he tells absolutely anyone who has ears to listen that he doesn't get to be a father to his daughter because his evil ex wife won't let him. (This is poppycock. I have always made it a priority to have her see him regularly and have a relationship with him). Anyway when I first started learning to detach and not react or attend every argument I was invited to, he seemed stunned and after a few months of trying to provoke arguments he invited me for a lovely chat to "bury the hatchet" and that was nice. I thought. But it was just words; the texts and demands and intrusive behaviour started up again and the more I remain polite but not engaged, the worse it gets. And after seeing his drunken accusations and moanings tonight (he's well and truly ff the wagon now I see) I realised this is no different to blaming others for drinking and provoking fights so as to have an excuse to go and drink. When I was arguing and throwing nasty words back at him, he was able to blame me for his lack of parenting. Now I have taken that away and his delightful wife has grown sick of the situation too and now refuses to do the pick ups or stay at home with my daughter (which is fair enough because daughter can't stand her; why should she- why should either of them be forced to spend time together when they don't like each other just to make him feel as though he is "being a good father"?? ) And now all I see is a lot of self pity because he "has missed out on his daughter's life" and what will he do without someone to blame? Suddenly he has to face himself with no-one else's shortcomings to hide behind and I sure don't have the urge anymore to protect him from bad feelings.

It matters for me to realise this because it really strengthens my resolve not to engage with him or become upset or unkind. Why should I bear one more moment of shouldering the blame for someone else's choices? I do not have to carry his burdens and every time I argue with him or give him back the angry words he is looking for, I do JUST THAT. Like when my daughter would refuse to carry her school-bag when she was a child even though I would be carrying all of our groceries on the walk home. One day when she was refusing to carry her bag I just put it on the ground and kept walking. She threw the mother of all tantrums but she did, after a time, pick it up and from then on she carried it herself. This is just how it works. Who wants to carry their own stuff when someone else has been doing it for them for years and years? But absent a beast of burden, they have to choose to pick up their own stuff or do without it.

So anyway his messages continued this evening and deteriorated into threats about what he would do if I did not respond. Oh well. I just don't play those games any more. His guilt is not mine to carry. 

Thanks for listening

(((Everyone)))