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I'm new in this journey. It's funny, I thought my alcoholic ex-boyfriend was the head case but I'm beginning to see patterns in my own behavior and choices that have led me here. 4 of my past 5 relationships have been with alcoholics.
I'm attending in-person meetings and working through issues fearing rejection, setting clear boundaries, and embracing a positive self-worth so if my needs are not being met, I can clearly articulate them and follow my instincts fearlessly. However, I can't help but to be curious if there are clear warning signs of the disease. How can you tell is someone has a healthy/unhealthy relationship with alcohol?
Welcome to MIP - so glad you are here! There is no one size fits all for detecting addiction, and each experience will vary.
My personal experience - obsession and issues. I am a double winner (AA & Alanon), and everything I did/planned included alcohol and/or other mind-altering substances. While I was awake, I was planning, scheming and doing. Whether my day included work or a picnic or a trip to the grocery store, the thoughts of drinking/using were woven into the fabric of each step. I thought that everyone lived as I did and that I was 'normal' during active use. Not until I found recovery did I realize how deceptive the disease is.
Issues to me means affecting my life - relationships, job, law, wrecks, etc. The literature often asks if 'alcohol is causing issues in your life' and this is often the case for those of us who can't step away. My 'friends' changed with the seasons and my choice of partners were based on common interests (alcohol and drugs). I never saw this either until recovery.
I am surrounded by the disease - my AH, my 2 sons + many others - grandfathers, mother, cousin(s), etc. Through a one day at a time approach taught to me in recovery and reliance on a HP, I can live around the disease and still have grace, sanity and dignity (most of the time!).
Again - glad you are here! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can tell by the way they talk about alcohol and how they act surrounding it. Those may be better indicators than how much you actually observe them drinking. When I see them drunk, that usually just seals the deal. Seems to me, viewing through the lens of a sober alcoholic, normal drinkers don't like to lose control and any more than a couple drinks is unpleasant for them. Alcoholics typically yearn for the altered state of mind and sort of feel an illusion of control when they do drink. Or they talk about alcohol like it's a magical elixer. They covet the alcohol. It is not like a normal drinker whom you can tell don't care that much and could probably take it or leave it.
Another thing....I've been sober for going on 7 years. To an outsider, it would appear I have a healthy relationship with alcohol befause I don't drink much at all. Truth is, the relationship is so unhealthy, I had to sever it. I don't apologize for being an alcoholic. I'm in recovery. Prior to AA, I could go on the wagon here and there and fool people I had control. It really is more telling to observe someone be able to drink one or two sporadically over a long period of time or just demonstrate clearly the don't really like it. Alcohol, clubs, and alcohol feuled environments play a rally small role in the lives of non alcoholics. Alcoholics create and live in a world where, to them, everyone drinks a lot and it's a major challenge to not do so.
I've gotten fairly good at listening to what people say and do and hearing what their attitudes are about drugs and alcohol are important. Of course direct observation is the easiest way to learn the truth about any situation. My 1st husband and 3 boyfriends all had addiction problems, but back then I didn't understand it. So as time went on and I grew up I thought I knew how to prevent another attachment to an addicted person. My current spouse of 23 years has multiple addictions, and none were apparent during the first year. Her behavior was stellar and I had told her no drugs or alcohol, and she was fine with that, so she said. After the first year I became aware of her serious food addiction, and it's not until 10 years ago that the alcohol and lying came out. I think alcoholics/addicted folks are expert manipulators, sneaks, and liars. I think I've realized the only way to protect myself now is my continuing to work in alanon and become as healthy as I can be. I've got almost 2yrs in and I am becoming a person I really like and respect, Lyne :)
I have developed an aversion to anyone who talks excessively about what other people do wrong, or about how other people have wronged them, or generally behave like a victim. It's really noticable to me now.
So that probably rules out most addicts and non-recovering codependents!!
Basically anyone that demonstrates that they cannot or will not own their own stuff raises a red flag for me; I don't need to know what their relationship with drugs or alcohol etc is, I just know blaming and victim behaviour takes me to a place I don't want to go.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
It is an interesting question. After growing up with addicts and alcoholics, I swore I would never get involved with one and I was actually successful through all of my relationships in avoiding this until the last one: but the last one was a doozey. I looked for all the signs, but this person didn't drink (I didn't realize they just quit before we met, without any support). She volunteered for the food bank, had a good job, a steady place to live, cared about big picture issues... I didn't realize she was an alcoholic until I was head over heels in a way I had never been before. I wrote to a family member today that I am now wondering if it was her very woundedness and the whole "alcoholic package" that made me instantly fall for her on such a deep level, like two raw wounds coming together to try to heal.
So I think it is, as we say over and over, a cunning, powerful, and baffling disease. It loves to hide. From what people with more time in Al-Anon tell me, you just start to have a better sense of where to look for it as you recover yourself. Good luck!!!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
In my last relationship, some of the red flags include:
1. His two closest friends were also heavy drinkers. EXCUSE: I don't drink as much as X and Y, they are professionals
2. The refrigerator only contained booze - he had no food. EXCUSE: My roommate works in the booze industry and brings it home, we don't know how to cook so we just order take-out.
3. When I would go out drinking with him and his buddies and try to keep up, I would get the hiccups and they would seem unfazed by the booze, and keep drinking.
4. Say things like "I'm good at driving under the influence", "When I'm at the doctor and they ask if I drink, I say none, you never know when you will need a liver transplant", "I'm not going to live passed 50"
5. Horrible, victim-like relationship with his mother - after visiting her, he'd usually be angry or shut down and he would drink to cope.
6. He would keep drinking by himself, long after I fell asleep. He had to drink to fall asleep. I'd wake up to a nightstand full of empty bottles. EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.
7. Would never drink around his parents. Ever. Wouldn't drink around my parents, at first. Alcohol? No way! Why would you offer me that?!?
8. He would buy 10-15 cases of beer at time, a 2-3 month supply, depending on how many nights he would go out with friends.
9. On weekends, would have a beer with breakfast.
10. When I wanted to leave a bar, he would say "Ok, one more drink, and then we will go". This was the worst because it was never just 1 more. I ended up giving him keys to my place, so we could both leave when we wanted to and it wouldn't ruin our entire weekend.
Other than the friends and the fridge (1 and 2 listed above) I didn't see clear warning signs at first. He was funny, witty, charming, fun to be around. All the other stuff came with time, as our relationship grew and he felt more and more comfortable around me. This took time (2-3 years), as I tend to like emotionally distant men. Feel free to add to this list - it is a good reminder for me and I hope it helps others recognize some of the red flags.
Warning signs for me include an attitude that things are always someone else's fault.....emotional immaturity....inability to take responsibility for their own lives and behaviour. And while i know my al anon peeps would discourage this, if i ever get in another relationship, i will covertly and casually peek into recycle and rubbish bins...the current A snuck right under my radar, but if i had sneaked a peek in those bins id have had a big eye opener right there.
