Relationship rules - Al-Anon Family Group

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Relationship rules

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh...and as a gay man...I had to also institute "no closet cases." My codependent self literally tried that twice...dragging a guy out of the closet so we could live happily ever after. Guess what? No 40 something year od guy was ever going to come out just for me. It is almost comical, both guys were older than me and actually had the same name. Yep...same exact mistake made twice. A total replay with all the same drama and pain.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like reasonable boundaries Mark I do believe those were the ones I instituted as well It worked :)

likemyheart · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you learned a lesson you only had to be taught twice Mark! I can relate to relationship rules - no one who makes me feel bad about myself, no drama, sorry about this if you are but - no Bi-Polar - that being said I recognize that the condition CAN be managed well but its a red flag thing for me and would take some convincing for me to date someone with it. No unemployed, no money issues - doesn't have to be rich, but has his finances in order - no bad credit score! I want a man who loves his extended family, enjoys family get togethers where games are played and no one gets mad. Also would be dubious of dating a man with teenage or pre-teenage daughters - they shouldn't have to compete for their dad's affections! Non smokers only, someone who understands that to have things in life, you have to work - good work ethic. Oh the list grows the more I think on it, ha!

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, it's friendship relationships too. I now have to be treated with respect by friends. I recently realized I was deeply insulted by a long time friend. I have to grieve this as I would a death. I'm wondering is the change in her (does she have hardening of the arteries, and does that make you mean?), or is the change in me. Either way, I don't want to feel like that, so I have taken myself out of her path.

I belatedly realized she's really picked up on her alcohol consumption. Maybe that's what I found icky. Regardless, my Al-Anon slogans and other tools are such a comfort and path to serenity again.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I need to get myself some of these. Right now the biggest thing is no alcoholics or other addiction issues. Thats about it but im new to this game. Im open todifferent aspects of life right now and i think having a very small filter is gojng to make for a bumpy journey. I will try to take things as they come and define the boundaries as i go. How does that sound? Naive? Maybe, but thats exactly what i am when it comes to men and relatiknships of all kinds. Thanks.x

Truth · ~*Service Worker*~

I like this post Pink. I think I now have a list of these rules for even close friendships. Really life is so simple when you treat yourself well. So hear it goes ... No addicts, no drinkers, no one who is financially unstable, no one who associates (outside their job that has to work with them) with suspected criminals, no abusive people (emotionally, psychically, mentally, financially), no braggarts, no constant selfie takers, no fake compliment givers, no fishing for compliments people, no people who will not let go of people who treat others poorly (make excuses for them, join them, compliment them, gossip about them but act like best friends) ....funny thing is I found out all the same people that behave this way find each other and congregate so now it is not really hard to spot them.

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I don't have a whole lot of rules these days for my relationships. I know through working these steps, meetings, finding and regulary seeking the guidance of a god of my understanding, reaching out to a sponsor and doing service and also utilizing some outside help when a need arises that I feel a sense of wholeness and emotional availability today. My basic requirement for any intimate relationship whether it's a friendship or romantic relationship is that the person is emotionally available. For people in 12 step recovery that would mean a person is working an honest program. For the people in my life who are not in a 12 step program, it means their actions are reflection of working an honest program. I've come to realize that the only "perfect" love I'll ever know is the love I receive from the god of my understanding.

I'll never give love perfectly nor do I expect it from others. Life is a journey of continued uncertainty and choices. All I ask is that the lines of communication remain open even when the discussion is going to be difficult. It's been my experience that my relationships have become stronger not weaker as a result. For me, it's why emotional availability is so important. Self actualization of both people allows for the honesty openness and willingness to have sometimes frank discussions. It's taken time and the experience of failed relationships to know myself and learn healthier ways to share myself with others as well as healthier ways to receive others into my already established full life. I'm excited not leary about new people and experiences. I consciously make that choice to risk and grow through those new experiences.

Today I know I can walk away from any relationship or situation where I feel ill at ease even if I can't clearly identify why that is. I trust those feelings now and respond to them by taking care of myself instead of ignoring them.

Thanks for a great topic. (((hugs))) TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Saturday 16th of May 2015 02:01:27 PM

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that I am not looking for any kind of romantic relationship. And I am still married to my AH. He has had cancer three times and I don't know how long he will be here, so this is a conversation I have had with myself already. I think I have been ruined for romantic relationships. If I can have friendships it would be ok with me.

I know that I will always have to live among the "broken people" but I only want it to be tangentally, not full on.

SpookyMulder · Veteran Member

Great post! I actually made my list before I met my newly ex wife. While "no alcoholics" was on the list, I still got fooled. But I am encouraged that I am getting better at picking up the signals faster. For example, I just advertised for a roommate since my ex left me with an entire animal sanctuary to run. The first person who came out felt like it was kismet -- we had similar values, goals, views...she even had a pomeranian dog -- the breed we rescue here. But then there were little red flags -- she wanted to use the second room I advertised as an "art space" while not paying more money. When I said that wouldn't work I started fixing up a place in the basement and when she mentioned she had art supplies that couldn't get damp I emptied and fixed up a plastic bin for her to use down there. Then, when I told her I had an applicant for the second room (I had originally advertised 2 rooms) she freaked out and said it was a big step for her even to live with me, since she has a lot of trouble with people in general and "they are always projecting their negative shit onto her." I finally started to get alarmed and wrote to her I thought she should maybe consider living alone, since the sanctuary can be chaotic and there will be other people here. She back pedaled and said she would "give it a try." My first impulse has been to to go forward -- I want to rescue her dog (she said she can't find a place she can afford with him) and her (she wants to start attending Al-Anon meetings). I am really thinking I need to tell her no. This is a no brainer kind of in your face lesson, right?

karma13 · Senior Member

I just want to say Thankyou for sharing about healthy versus toxic relationships. You are a gift to this board:) I just want to add having been in a good relationship and in toxic relationships. I feel good in a healthy relationship, he wants me to be happy and cares for me. In my toxic relationships, they started out good, with a lot of promises but they quickly deteriorated to sh@t, with me doing most of the caretaking and most of the relationship work. I was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. One of my favorite bloggers calls it " trying to turn a pigs ear into a silk purse". I learned in the program to question how I was feeling in my relationships and how to look for what they sre showing me instead of what they are saying. Thanks again, I can never have enough reminders, and I love when you talk about relationships.

-- Edited by karma13 on Sunday 17th of May 2015 08:45:31 AM

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

No one who asks others to do things for them that they are more than capable of being able to do for themselves (and lots of the above as well!

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missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Funny it's you that asks this Pink because I'm finding that the only men I am attracted to in recent times are very openly gay. So my current criteria seems to be "must be completely and utterly unavailable". Ha! I think that's just my heart playing it ultra-safe because I'm not in any way ready to be romantically involved with anyone any time soon.

If I had to construct a criteria list with my head, I would say they must be kind, they must be willing and able to own their own crap and they must value and respect the autonomy and freedom of others. I think that covers everything I need to see in another person to trust them.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I love your list! My boyfriend of one year has all these great qualities minus the openly gay part, ha! And I never dreamed of finding such a great mate in this life, emotionally available in tuned, not smothering, has a good career, a great dad to his kids, a great role model for mine and just so many great things to number really. I feel so healthy thanks to al-anon and my beloved sponsor who helped me to grow so much from the dysfunction and chaos she found me in. Thanks Pinkchip for the reminder about who to let into my hoola hoop to keep me sane. Sending you all love and support on your journey's!

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