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Hi. I know this subject has been written about before -- the posts I have read are more of a general nature. I introduced myself a little while back, too, so some of this people may have already read. I am seeking comments. Ok. So I know I am an enabler and have engaged in denial and poor boundaries and I can't blame anyone but myself for those things -- maybe blame is too strong -- but hold responsible. I am continuing to go to meetings and read the literature, etc. Six years ago my wife, who I didn't recognize as an alcoholic when we met (she had recently quit drinking, but without help, and also had a steady job, volunteered, etc.) swept me away. For 4 months I had never known love like that -- someone who both cared for me and did nice things and also accepted such from me. So romantic -- mystical really. We felt like we were soul mates. After about 4 months, she started acting strangely. She was drinking again. She began these psychotic rants that tore my soul open. Being used to this with my dad, I just continued to have poor boundaries and tried to be "helpful, i.e. controlling of her problem) which at the time I believed was complicated by childhood brain trauma. As I have posted before, she was able to stop in mid-rant to answer the phone, though, so I no longer believe these were anything but alcoholic tantrums. A couple of years ago things got bad and I gave the "go to AA or I'm leaving" ultimatum -- calm, without anger, just serious. So she went. However, throughout the first year of recovery she continued to have these rage attacks directed against me and, sadly, in hindsight, I was not going to Al-Anon and just thought it was an expected part of "recovery." Then, as it happened, she continued to smoke marijuana for a year after she gave up drinking, which she did for "medical" reasons, but it seemed to have the same effects on her (needed more and more, was irritable, etc). Last year she gave up smoking the pot. For this last, most recent, year she has seemed increasingly distant, continued to rage at me (with the added fury that I was shut down because I was seriously afraid of her and had let my self esteem disappear). Well, I got home from a trip a few weeks ago, and robotically she announced, "I am done with you. I don't want to be committed, I don't want to be monogamous. I am having an affair (with a straight married woman with kids) and I am done with us." She has moved out. Her take on it is that she is very wise and knows so much more than me having been in the program longer, and she just outgrew me because I wasn't in the program. I have, though, in these last years, focused on my own growth: I got a second degree black belt, I have been accepted to a ministry school, I have spoken and learned at international conferences, and studied Buddhism extensively as a way to find inner peace in the midst of turmoil. Despite the fact of all the pain, I still remember those first months and feel such a deep loss of "what could have been." As I said, I have been learning so much about my own denial and responsibility, my own patterns and complicity, and about alcoholism as a disease. Still, I am curious...is it possible that she has just been a dry drunk all this time and this new behavior is just the latest "high" and the program has not made her infinitely wise? Is this something that doesn't really matter even if I know?
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I cannot tell you all the ways in which your story is mine. The only difference for me is that my wife didn't reveal her affair (with a pain pill junkie she met in AA) until I caught her and then she tried to plead to lesser charges.
I think yes, it makes sense her rage and sexual irresponsibility are all part of her addiction disorder. I too got the "I'm growing and you're still broken" lecture while she was spending little time at home with our family, having unprotected sex with a stranger and living in a fog of cannabis.
We're trying to reconcile things. And some days are better than others.
Sounds like you're asking all the right questions and working on you. Be strong!
The first few months of a relationship are always (almost) "mystical and like soulmates" and such. That is the infatuation stage. In my experience, it has not been a great predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction or longevity. Spooky, I know it's hard to accept but there were and are broken parts of your A that you couldn't forsee at the time. She sounds pretty messed up. Your task may now be to let go of this idealized version of her and the thought that she could go back to that or should have stayed like that. She can't, won't, and that's not what happened. I know it's challenging when your heart is breaking, but you actually sound quite smart and resourceful. No, it's not that important that you know all the reasons why she changed or what exact label applies. It only matters that you see the relationship is unhealthy at this time and that you are able to detach and see your own self clearly and to love yourself.
As an aside, I know sometimes dating in the gay world is challenging. Truthfully, we typically do come with added baggage from coming out and societal rejection. I love my gay brethren, but I did once say that the gay and lesbian dating scene felt like fishing in a pond full of busted fish. I do think we cling pretty hard to our relationships because we think there are less folks to chose from. After really doing more self-discovery and self-validating in Alanon, you will feel better about yourself and things will become clearer. You will let go of unhealthy relationships faster, draw better boundaries to protect your heart and your self-esteem, and you will either feel ok about being single or will attract a healthier long term partner. From a detached standpoint, I can say that since the relationship is over now seemingly, the best mentality to strive for is along the lines of "Wow, I really loved her but she changed" or "she wasn't who I thought." It helped me to do a red flag autopsy on my relationships at break up and to do it through a kind lense towards myself....along the lines of "Next time I will head for the hills if this..." or "this is where I probably could have figured the drama and toxicity was getting too high..." In the meanwhile, beloving to yourself. Surround yourself with love in the program and just work on loosening the hurtful mind-meld this woman has on you. You matter...yourhealth and wholeness, not really having to make sense of her bs.
Not much shocks us take care of you. I know its
Hard when its your life and marriage. I understand
All too well and my ah was dry. Steps one,two and
Three will lead you on your path to recovery.
Drama and chaos are the disease and addictions talking.
The crazy train does not like to stop running.
Keep doing whatever you Need to do to protect and
help yourself, there other support Agencies, therapists,
church whatever it takes to get emotionally Healthy plus
Face to face Alanon and here of course.
If she continued to smoke mj she was still feeding her addiction. And I understand the idol with the feet of clay. I did that too. I can guarantee you that she does not have all the answers. The program has not made her infinitely wise. Believe in yourself. Her ego is getting in your way.
love my gay brethren, but I did once say that the gay and lesbian dating scene felt like fishing in a pond full of busted fish.
Well, I reject any implication that we heterosexuals aren't "busted" as well. Everyone has issues and we're imperfect people just trying to make sense of an imperfect world.
