So here I am again.  Full circle.

History - Married my high school sweetheart at 18 when I got pregnant.  That was back in 1992.  15 years of marriage.  Divorced because of my husband's drug and alcohol abuse.  His drug of choice back then: Cocaine/Crack.  We were separated for one year and divorced for 6 months before I decided to get back together with him.  He was clean and working and doing all he could do to straighten out the mess he had made out of his life.

Fast forward to where I am today -  We've been back together for 6 or 7 years now.  Thankfully I had the good sense to not let him move back in with me.  We have had our ups and downs over this period of time.  He hurt his back not long after we got back together.  Then he developed bone spurs on his spine at his neck.  So for the last 5 years, he has worked on and off, nothing permanent because he does physical work and once his back or neck was aggravated, he would miss work, get depressed and get fired.  It was a viscous cycle.  The last 18 months, he has managed to get both his neck and back operated on, fusing vertebrae together.  Too little too late.  He has been hooked on pain pills for years and the surgeries were supposed to allow him some relief from pain and there to get off of the pills.  I bet anyone reading this, anyone who has had to deal with an addict already know what has happened.  Or should I say hasn't happened.  He is still on the pills.  The last month has lead me to believe it has gotten worse and that it very well may have turned into heroin use as well.

Now a little of my own health history - Over the last 12 years, I have been diagnosed with Sjogren's, Fibromyalgia, Daily Chronic Migraines, High Blood Pressure and the kicker: HPV!  Combine all of these together and I am a big ol' mess.  I am battling the HPV constantly, testing and procedures to prevent cervical cancer from developing.  I have only ever been with my husband so he is the reason I have the HPV, which developed after we got back together.  I know he cheated on me while we were married (just another brick in the wall that lead to our divorce) and was with other women while were apart.  I had gone through all of the STD testing and so had he.  According to my doctor (after being diagnosed with HPV), there isn't a regular test for HPV for men.  A couple of years ago, I had an irregular PAP and since then, I have battled this.  My doctor says that my autoimmune diseases are making it hard for my body to fight the HPV.  Needless to say I have quite a bit of resentment towards my ex husband about this but I push it down and try to move passed it.

With all of that said - I am tired of dealing with the ups and downs.  There are good weeks and bad weeks.  The bad seem to be mounting up.  The past few months have been a struggle.  We have not been together romantically regardless of my attempts to persuade him.  It used to be on the top of his list of ways to spend his time.  I am sure he has increased his use of pills with kills his libido.  And his behavior in the last month, making me thing he may have turned to heroin scares me to death and makes me glad now that he doesn't have any desire.  I don't know what he is doing, where he is doing it and with whom he is doing it.  I don't want to take a chance on getting any more diseases.  I have been avoiding communication with him as best as I can over the last week because I want to be able to have a talk with him face to face by ourselves.  I want to tell him it's over.  That thought right there is making me so sick to my stomach.  My stomach ulcer is acting up from the stress of it all.  I know this is something I have to do and I just have to find the strength to do it.  AGAIN!!  I did it once when I told him I was getting a divorce.  I can do this again.  I can do this again.

I have to keep telling myself that I am not the bad guy here.  I haven't done anything wrong.  I have been there for him.  Supported him.  Loved him.  Waited on him to show up.  Waited for him to get better.  Waited, waited, waited.  I am tired of waiting.  I want happiness.  Full on happiness.  Not temporary happiness during his good times.  But full on, all day, every day, week after week, month after month, year after year happiness.  I know I will never have that with him.  23 years together is the proof that it will never truly happen.  No matter how badly I want it to happen, it won't.  I have been fooling myself for so long.  I just need the strength and the courage to say this to him. To not worry about how bad it will hurt him or how negatively it will impact his life.  I have to worry with his negative impact on my life.  I have to move on and not look back.  I pray for the strength every day.

Thanks for listening.