The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A little about me, no kids, married, i came from a different country, i had to learn English on my own to survive, i paid my college tuition on my own - no loans always saving money and not living in debt - it was very difficult but i overcome that obstacle. i come from a middle class background but when i came to america i had to start my life over again, im not controlling but i always wanted to help everyone and i do help... i know what i want and i always want more. I have a great job and i didnt know until going to the alnon meetings that i am co-dependent and a bit controlling because i like the things i do... and i want people do not the same way but to go to the right path and if they can i try to fix it... and i know we cant fix people they have to fix themselves but its a habit.
I have been married for over a year, before i got married i didn't think that my husband was a bad addict i just thought it was a college thing - "time to have fun and get out of his system" i knew he did things but not to extend... he was 5 years sober since i met him (4 years ago) no issues whatsoever there... until last month... he relapsed
I always had my money in our safe and for over a year he never did anything so i trusted him...before i saw some patterns where he was talking to someone online and it was part of his "disease" then we were going through therapy and things were getting better... my trust was coming back little by little.
At the time he was going to school and working full time but one of his jobs was very bad and his mom and i always told him to change jobs because its exhausting and it wasnt healthy for him (he was working about 45 hours a week plus taking 5 courses and making no money) then after quitting his job he stayed home for a while... i didnt mind paying the bills because he is going to school and supporting him... then his father offered 5k to help us in case we want to do something for ourselfs and not live paycheck by paycheck... i didnt want to take that money because i knew something was going to happen in the future... my husband said this is a great idea we can do things that we havent done in a while... like going for dinner and enjoying ourselfs,,, so then i said ok... with my bad feeling... then as the time went by i saw that he was withdrawing money here and there i didnt understand why so we were always fighting... and a month ago when i went to put away some documents since i had to travel out of the country with work and in our safe my money was gone. It was about 4k and i didint know how that happened. I confronted him and he said... i cant tell u because if i do u will leave me... and i said where is my money... what did u use for... and he said... im sorry for pills. i said pills - are u out of your mind... for how long u have been doing this he said three months and BAM everything fell apart.. everything clicked that moment idk i was so shocked i didnt think that would ever happen... so then i called a therapist contacted his parents, contacted my parents told them the story and i left the house.
On the same day i went to see the therapist with his parents that were devastated and we talked, she explained to us to not help him and this and that... and yes he comes form a dysfunctional family (don't mean in a mean way) but his parents always covered everything for him... he never had limits when growing up and if he did something bad... instead of punishing him they always let him get away. Anyways, going back... since that day i have left home (which it was me my mother in-law and my husband) and moved back at my parents...
It has been really hard, i have been attending alnon meetings... my first meeting was an aa meeting, it made me see and understand why they do and how they feel, then i went to a closed alnon meeting over the weekend, and this tuesday i went to another alnon meeting with parents. I feel that i belong to these meetings...
but the reason i came here is because i am confused... i know what i want which is his recovery... and we dont have any kids... but at the same time i am scared.
My hustband txtes me twice or 3 times a week and i never replied since i left the house... im going to be honest i love when he txts me... he tells me what he is been up to... and that is good to know and sometimes i just wish i could reply but i dont reply because i dont think is time yet... i need to recover myself. however i know i need to set some bounderies with him and this will be this coming up week.
My husband is clean now... but before after we did an intervation coming back from therapy he wanted help so his parents took him to this inpatient hospital but because our insurance didnt cover... he could not stay so the doctor gave him some meds and he has been detoxing at home on his own. now he is better but before he was having the cold turkey feeling, nausa, and no energy and all that jazz. he started to go 3-4 times a week to the na meetings he has a sponsor, he has a job, he is going to church once a week and he is working out - thats what he said and heard from his mom.
I feel i just need some strenght and see i if i am in the right path... sometimes i get annoyed because his mom went once to an alnon meeting and never went back she said she "didnt have the time" in my opinion... u can always make time for things...
i want things to get better but i dont want to fall in that trap again.. i am confused in which this is going but i dont know for how long i should ignore him... not texting and no telling how i feel eventhough at the moment he is getting his life back together...
Tonight i have a therapy session wiht his parents and yes i will see him once i come back i have some things to get out of the house... but in my mind... i want to stay with him but only if he recovers and dont relapse again - it may sound like it will never happen... but i love him and i have these feeling in between my chest and heart telling me how much i have been missing him.
and thank you for your time reading my story. have a great day!
-- Edited by needguidance on Friday 15th of May 2015 07:06:32 AM
Dear need guidance, thank you for sharing with such honesty and clarity, welcome to MIP.
I am glad that you have found Al-Anon meetings and are attending. It is here that I finally came to understand that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. Al-Anon,as you know, is a fellowship of men and women who have lived with this disease and share their experience strength and hope in order to recover
. Accepting the fact that we are powerless over the disease and that it can be arrested and never cured was extremely important to my own recovery. When I finally understood that I was not in control, and that I needed to trust in a power greater than myself, in order to live my life with courage serenity and wisdom, I was able to truly grasp the Al-Anon philosophy and principles.
The steps and the slogans are all powerful tools that let me forward to a spiritual awakening. I urge you to keep coming back and sharing and know you're not alone
Welcome. That does sound confusing. Nobody can really tell you the right thing to do. We don't know the outcomes any more than you. He could be recovering great, or he could be totally lying and trying to manipulate all of you. So what do you do when you have no idea over what will really happen with him and his addiction? Well, you keep attending alanon, set boundaries when you do have interactions with him to whatever degree is reasonable and helpful (i.e., separate bank accounts since he really violated your trust financially)...Keep your life on track with your job and other goals as much as you can. 3 or 4 meetings a week is not much for someone that just blew thousands on drugs. I went to a meeting every single day in my early sobriety, but that is not to say he's not recovering. I'm dubious because I know we addicts are notorious liars and manipulators. There will never be a green light that tells you he is 100% safe and in the clear....Trust has to be earned back over time. It may take months or years...If it does, that's ok. Be kind to yourself.
It sounds like you think you need to make your mind up right away. I would say you need some time to think everything through. There is nothing wrong with texting your husband back and telling him you are working on your own recovery and need time. As PinkChip said, be kind to yourself and take some time to get help. It sounds like you both are on good paths so see where it goes in a few months and you can then make a decision.
Thank you for all the support guys.
An update.. We went to the our family therapy session Friday his parents and I only - it was a good session to all of us. It was tough too to hear things we don't want to hear but that's where the change comes in... In order to make our self better as well as not enabling him.
His mom told me that he is going to start paying rent and he has agreed to do that as well as other things which my thought was hallelujah!
I understand at this point we are in the honeymoon phase with his recovery but this Friday I will see him to set some boundaries. I know I have to be strong but I am afraid of Not having my firm feet because I love him and I have been missing him a lot! I'm kind of scared of what I to say but at the same time I want things to go well. I don't want to fall again into the black whole because I can't be doing this anymore and it's not for me. I have been working on myself and it's been great I am going to a meeting tonight but I don't know if he is ready for me yet. Probably not because he has a lot to work on and I know! I miss him every morning and every night.
I haven't replied to his txts because I want to wait till Friday... but it has been difficult... Part of me doesn't want to txt him because I am fighting for my long term happiness which it will give me strength for the long run...
But when someone is in recovery and you are separated from your spouse and wants to get better... And so wishing him to get better... How you cope with that and for how long you don't see or see each other... What are the boundaries it needs to be set and what are the should and should not do.
Thank you for your time!
Boundaries are intended to help you survive and thrive, not to punish the other party.
My best boundary setting comes when I work with another program person and/or a sponsor.
Some items that I consider:
- Personal Safety
- Financial Survival
- Following the Law
I am in recovery and live with my AH + one of two addict sons. Personal safety for me is an umbrella term for actual safety + privacy. My boys have both backed me into corners before with a glazed eyeball look. I will not be physically intimidated in my own home, so set a boundary as such. Privacy - they all three want what they want when they want it. This does include following me around trying to manipulate me and/or change my mind about things. So - I put a lock on my door, and don't want to be interrupted if it's closed/locked. I also lock my door when I leave home as my boys have helped themselves to my items in the past.
Financial - I have a 'cash stash' which is private and unknown to others. It's available if I need it and it's not in my home. It's not enough to buy a house or anything but it is enough to help me get by if I ever need to leave fast.
I don't want drugs in my home - especially if they involve any illegal behavior (using them w/o prescription, buying them, holding them, selling them, etc.).
I am sure others might join in but I do suggest you ask your counselor for help or members of the Alanon group you are attending.
I applaud you for taking quick forward-facing action. No matter how his path goes, it appears you are willing to do the work for you and that's a great start!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
