The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was brought up in a family with a history of alcoholics, although I never actually saw any of it. But I got the very strong message that alcohol was dangerous and bad, that it ruined lives, and that it drinking to excess was NEVER tolerated. As a result I have never drank alcohol my entire life and am uncomfortable even being around it.
My grandfather and uncle were alcoholics, although they sobered up by the time I was born. My grandmother and aunt endured abusive relationships at the hands of alcoholics. My grandmother left her abusers both times. My aunt did not. As a result my parents cut off all contact with my aunt, my uncle and my cousins, because my uncle was dangerous.
The message I have grown up with has been very clear. If I have any self respect I would be aware enough to never let this happen to me, and if it did I would have the courage to leave. In my mind that mantra is like stone. Alcoholism = you must leave. No exceptions.
I know this is very black and white thinking, but I can't get it out of my head.
So...why am I here? I recently realized that my husband of 10 years has been getting drunk. I stupidly thought he was just coming home tired, that his red eyes and slowed speech were a result of a long day, etc. I know I sound ridiculously naïve and I can't even begin to tell you how ashamed and stupid I feel for not realizing this. I have seen very few drunk people in my life.
Now, I am terrified and horrified and confused and everything else. My husband has been out there driving drunk. He could hurt himself or another person. I can't tell anyone...my parents would freak out and tell me to leave him. I feel like I'm a bad person now if I don't DO SOMETHING. But I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm afraid the answer is that I'm supposed to leave and that breaks my heart. But if my son grows up to become an alcoholic, all because I didn't act now and do the "right thing" (whatever that is?), I will never forgive myself.
I don't want to leave! I love my husband. I know other people have things way worse than me. I'm not sure if I belong here. He's not an angry or violent drunk. I'm so confused and ashamed. I somehow, unknowingly, fell into the very trap I was taught to avoid. How could I have been so stupid and blind? I'm hating myself right now.
Welcome Plain Jane, so glad that you found us and had the courage to share your concerns. I can identify with the family who frowned upon alcohol, had black-and-white thinking about it, and were very judgmental of other people's behavior.
Alcoholism has been identified by the American Medical Association as a progressive chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless. We didn't cause it, we can control it and can't cure it. Living with the disease we too become affected and develop destructive coping tools in order to live with the insanity. Al-Anon is a program of recovery that is very effective for family members who have encountered alcoholism in a friend or relative. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number is listed in the white pages.
In Al-Anon I learned to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, by attending meetings, and picking up some constructive positive tools to live by. It is suggested that you make no major life changes until you are in program at least a year. That is so that you can develop new tools in which to make constructive decisions. Al-Anon takes no position regarding staying in the relationship or leaving as each person is different. We help you do is to re- discover your self-esteem and self-worth and the courage to look inward to find the right road for your life
Welcome. Not all alcoholics are violent and angry. My husband is actually neither of those and is still an alcoholic as he can't control his drinking. When he would get drunk he would get frustrated with his life, down on himself or he would be a happy drunk and just be talking jibberish. Are there any face to face meetings around you that you can go to? I think that would help you immensely. Also, remember that you don't have to make a decision now and you can wait a while to get more knowledge of the disease and see how life progresses with you and your husband. Just know that you are not alone, that you shouldn't be ashamed and that there is help out there. This website is great and you should be able to gain a lot of perspective about the disease by just reading the posts.
Please know that you are not alone. Living with alcoholism is difficult and as suggested, 'one size does not fit all'.
There are morning and nightly meetings here (look at the top for the schedule and link) if you have difficulties finding local F2F (face to face) meetings.
Realizing there is a problem in your home and taking action is a great starting point and Alanon is all about helping us living with Alcoholics(ism) how to find peace and serenity in spite of our circumstances and surroundings.
Thanks for sharing and again - so glad you are here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your welcome and encouragement. I have looked up Al-anon meetings in my area and there appears to be one nearby, but the website hasn't been updated in years, so I'm not sure if the info is accurate. I'm keeping it in my back pocket for now until I decide what I'm comfortable doing.
My situation isn't dire, and I feel a little out of place when I read how people struggle with issues that are far more challenging that what I'm dealing with. My struggles seem to be more in my head. I feel bad about dumping all my baggage on your guys, who don't even know me, but I was feeling lost last night. I hope you understand. When it comes to this topic, I can only hear what my mother would say and do, to the point where I have no idea what my own thoughts on the matter should be. I'm in my 40's...you'd think I'd be beyond this by now. I get so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that I don't know which end is up. It's like I'm a little kid again and all I can hear in my head is this simplified, childlike understanding of things. Alcohol=bad! Drama=bad! Anger=bad!
I understand that alcoholism is said to be a disease, but I have no idea where the line is drawn. Where does just plain old "drinking" end and "alcoholism" begin? How do you know? Sometimes I feel like my point of view on the matter is so skewed due to my family history that I'm not sure if it qualifies as "normal."
Plain Jane, I'm glad that you found a face-to-face meeting that may be available for you to attend. If the website has a telephone number. I would call and confirm.
We have online meetings here two times a day that are very helpful as well.
I would like to stress that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease that can be arrested and never cured. It does not get better on its own. There is a questionnaire, and many rehabbed sites that the person themselves can answer honestly in order to determine if they qualify as an alcoholic.
We who live with the disease, reach out to Al-Anon because someone else's drinking is bothering us. We don't try to define if they are alcoholics, but keep the focus on ourselves and try to develop new constructive adult tools to deal with this insanity.
I do understand the negative voices from childhood ruminating in my head. Al-Anon gave me tools to eliminate this. The 12 steps , helped me to let go of the negative happenings from the past, see my part in the situations, learn how to express myself by not reacting but responding in a healthy fashion.
Living one day at a time, treating everyone with courtesy and respect, keeping the focus on myself, are all powerful tools of recovery. Please keep coming back here you are not alone
I get so overwhelmed with guilt and shame that I don't know which end is up. It's like I'm a little kid again and all I can hear in my head is this simplified, childlike understanding of things. Alcohol=bad! Drama=bad! Anger=bad!