The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very deflated at the moment. Worthless and useless too.
Basically tomorrow is a pretty important and stressful day at work. Due the outstanding reputation of the school where I work with some principal and deputy principal from other school are coming to my school to visit/spend the day and they will observe one whole lessonthen the principal of my school will interview prospective principals for that other school.
All fine a part from the fact that our principal picked the classroom I work at to be the class model. The class that will be observed during one lesson. BUT the principal decided to swap me with another member of the staff during the duration of that lesson. So I will have to leave my classroom and go to a classroom I never been before with kids that I barely know, and the girl who works there will come to my classroom to do MY job (help the teacher and support the children's learning).
The rationale behind this is that this other girl have much more experience then I have (absolutely true, she has been in the school for ages and has loads of experience with the age group and was working at this particular classroom at some point even before me) so they want to make the best impression possible. Other reason that they didn't mention but I am sure influenced this decision is that I am not a English native speaker.
Now, my rational side knows they (the principal and whoever else came up with this idea) want to make a good impression and this will be for 1 hour only. I know the girl is better than I am at the job. It is a fact. She is a role model to me too. BUT my emotional side keeps screaming inside me that I am being used to be part of a big fat lie. I am hurt that they are putting on a 'show' to show people how good they are when in reality, a part from one hour tomorrow morning, I am the one there, this is what it is, me with my foreign accent and not so much experience. They are lying and they are liars. They want to trick people to make themselves look better. They are hypocrites.
What I can't understand and now can't accept is: If I am not good enough to be in my classroom and do my job on a very important day then what am I doing there at all? Why did they even give me the job? Why did they employ me? I am not even working at the position I originally applied for. I applied for something so much easier and simpler and menial comparing to what I am doing right now and they were the ones giving me promotions, asking me to move up, take a more serious position and more responsibilities and etcI had to agree albeit reluctantly knowing that I was going to go totally out of my comfort zone and having to learn a lot of new skills very quickly without any mentor to help me out and I embraced it. Everyday I give it my all. But if it is not good enough for the principal's 'special' day it shouldn't be enough for any day of the year really. How about the children? They are stuck with me everyday aren't they? They have to make and do with my accent and lack of experience. Why no one do nothing about it?
Other thing that makes me furious is that there are a lot of teaching assistants that do their job lousily when no one from the top is looking. They treat the children badly as a disguise of being 'strict' and sometimes you can see that they can't be bothered to give it 100%. When the big people are around they change completely and they behave the way they should at all time. I am not like this. I have the reputation of being kind and fair and the children respect me without fear. Oh well but they are native speakers and that is all that matters apparently.
Anyway, tomorrow is also my daughter's class assembly at school and the theme is racism. What an irony. I will be there watching from the front line as a member of the staff seething and thinking about their hypocrisy.
It is not a good time to look for a new job but will do as soon as I possibly can.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Oh forgot to say that the principal ordered people to de-clutter the whole school corridor and classrooms and etcpeople will have to pay special attention to cleanliness in the staff room and staff toilets to make a good impression
But why only tomorrow if it can be like this every day of the year?
Maybe I am being too uptight? I just don't like fake-ness and people wearing masks. The principal needs to make up her mindshe should either expects high standards at all times or never. Now and then only when suits her is not good enough for me. But maybe I am out of touch with the real world.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
(((Luiza))I can certainly understand your anger and concern. I found that this is not an unusual situation and that" making it look good" was my companies agenda. Their philosophy was" perception is the customer's reality"---. So if we look good. That is all that is important.
Keeping the focus on myself and yourself. I think it is very evident that you are a valuable asset to the school and they appreciate your talent and integrity.
Knowing that were powerless over people places and things, I think it was wise for you to share here. In addition I would share with my sponsor andat a meeting, make an asset and gratitude list and pray for the willingness to let go and let God.
it is unfortunate that making a good impression is more important then being transparent and real. I believe they are very fortunate to have someone like yourself on staff whom values honesty and integrity like you do.
Luiza, I understand and validate all your concerns but have a couple suggestions. Paying too much attention to things that you have no control over and probably shouldn't take personally will wreck you. I used to feel the same way about my work. It was suggested to me that I have the mentality that I work for my HP and not really any boss. That helped. I was also told to keep it simple and remember that all I owe my work is my best effort and they owe me in return is a pay check. The rest is complicated ideas, personalities, thoughts, feelings, and opinions that will just distract and upset me. Some degree of organizational corruption exists at every job. As long as it's not intolerable, detach using alanon tools you are already familiar with.
Wow Luiza, you sound like a fantastic person to have in the classroom, those children are very lucky and will learn so much from knowing you. If racism is the issue, then you are doing a fantastic job of creating change for the next generation, and that means so much more.
I admire the way that you have stepped up for your promotions, that must have been challenging but also very rewarding. I hear you working for your HP already (what a fabulous suggestion that is Pinkchip) and I hear you caring about the children and how you deliver for them and for yourself. So I'm saluting you.
I edited the mistakes in my original post, my laptop's keyboard plays up sometimes and also came back to write the update.
So after having a very bad evening and not sleeping that well, I woke up feeling less angry and went to work. Went to the other classroom and it wasn't that bad actually. It was good to have the new experience and to challenge myself. I tried not to think about all the reason why I wasn't in my own classroom. It has been very difficult for me to not take things personally. When I was finally 'allowed' back in my classroom something happened: The children were working on literacy and I was sat next to a very (if not the most) challenging child out of the whole school. I was supervising/helping him with his work as well as keeping his behaviour in check, the class teacher and the other assistant where gossiping at a corner. Then out of the blue, the principal comes back in the classroom with her visitors and they all see what is happening...the one who is actually below standards is there working hard with a problematic child whilst the 'outstanding' ones are gossip in the corner ignoring everybody. I am grateful that my HP gave me that little bit of satisfaction and showed me that I am doing the right thing despite what other people thinks but I doubt the principal will even realise or admit that she could probably have made an error of judgement regarding myself.
Anyway, tonight the whole school went to this 'team building' meeting which was basically going to a restaurant with an excuse to go out and get drunk. I went because it had been booked ages ago and all the food we ordered individually was already paid for (with the school's money) and it was compulsory as part of training. It was ok actually, some of the people who are usually reserved were more open towards me. But it is always boring see people drinking and having 'fun' when all I want to do is back to home and bed.
I love the suggestion of having HP as my boss and thanks for remind me I am powerless over people, places and situations. I must learn how not to take things personally.
-- Edited by Luiza on Saturday 16th of May 2015 12:59:33 AM
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
