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Hi everyone.. I'm new here, did some research on the subject of setting boundaries and found some interesting stuff from 10 years ago or so but none of the information I saw was particular to my situation so I thought I'd throw this out for the group to respond.
I am a husband of a binge-type alcoholic who drinks when she is depressed and uses the wine as a coping mechanism. It's destroying her life but she can't seem to stop even though she's gotten a DWI felony with child, can't hold a job and all the other bad things that can be associated with this awful disease. We even separated for 6 months but it was not working well so we're trying again.
Now that we are back together I need/want to set boundaries. The problem is that we're both on the lease, I'm not going to "leave" with our daughter and let her stay there and I can't kick her out every 4 weeks when she binges for 5-6 days on a wine/sleep cycle. I'm struggling to come up with sensible boundaries that I can enforce. For example, I travel for work, I've asked repeatedly that she not drink while I'm gone but she continues to do so, not pass out drinking but even one is too much in my mind.
How do I sensibly come up with boundaries that I'm comfortable with and also allow my wife to make her own decisions on her drinking.
Welcome--you are in the right place. I am not sure if you have gotten to go to a face to face meeting or dive into any Al-Anon literature, but your situation is very similar to many. I struggled setting boundaries with my (now ex) alcoholic husband (AH) who was a stay at home dad for years while I pursued my very exciting career that I worked (damn!) hard for. I would beg him to at least wait until I got home to drink when I realized he was "having a few beers" with his lunch, etc...and eventually it was all sorts of off-the-hook. He could go days w/o drinking but would also binge drink heavily. There were times that I asked (made?) him go to a hotel if he was going to drink like that--there were times he would go off and not come home for a few days so he could binge drink. Eventually, I had to put the kids in daycare, because I couldn't trust him. I figured that would be a wake-up call...but no.
Finally, he got a DWI. I had set a boundary at that point that if he drove drunk again, he would need to move out. The anxiety of worry that he was going to kill himself/some else driving was unbelievable. Well--he did it again. And moved out--started attending outpatient/AA, but it was more to appease me. Within 2 months, a second DWI. So I was glad I had stuck to my guns--because my thoughts were, he will either get sober or not. I am better off either way, as painful as it was to watch unfold. My heart was broken. I would not leave him alone with our kids for more than an hour. I also travel A LOT for work and I would actually have to bring them to someone else's house or have someone stay with them.
He wasn't allowed to be with them long...and at one point, I tried to go see a movie, and he actually brought it into the house and was drunk by the time I got home. He couldn't wait 2 hours and then go drink at his apartment. It took A LONG time for me to be able to leave him alone with them again. That was FOUR years ago....it went on and on.
We are now divorced. I spent those 4 years struggling with what to do, flip flopping around, scared, tired, guilty. It sucks--I would urge you to read some literature, post here, and maybe get to a meeting if you feel comfortable.
Welcome, TX tycoon, I am glad that you reached out and shared. It is evident that you know that alcoholism is a chronic, progressive disease. It is important that we realized we did not cause this cannot control it and cannot cure it. Setting boundaries, is mostly done in order to establish some sanity and order, for us to be able to live our lives with dignity.. The boundaries are to protect us and not to control the alcoholic.
I would suggest that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attend the support and understanding available. There will help you to find alternate solutions that will work for you. We have online meetings here as well. Two times a day. If you cannot attend face-to-face.
I can understand your concern for your child's welfare when you travel-- could the child be left with a parent or a family member? If so, then the boundary could be-- I am concerned for your drinking so that in the future- the child will stay with my mother when I'm out of town. There is no discussion of the issue.
Setting boundaries with a drinking alcoholic is futile. The disease is in control. You set boundaries with yourself. Instead of telling her what the boundary is, like no drinking around the kids, your boundary is "if she drinks around the kids I will make sure x happens." You can't control anything but yourself. Actions speak louder than words.
Yep, I find it works best when I take everything out of the occasion that doesn't start with "I".
What am I comfortable with?
What can I tolerate?
What do I need to ensure my child is safe and happy?
How can I make those things happen?
If you can make your life secure and serene without having anything hinge on what the A in your home might or might not do, you can be free of obsessing over their actions and then you can make better decisions for yourself and child.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thank you all so much for the responses. I tend to be wanting to solve all problems and finally after seven years realizing I just can't save the world. We've gotten to the point where I don't rely on additional income from my spouse, I tend to handle the chores, homework and bedtime routine, especially when she is in the "mode". I try to keep our daughter away from it but at 7 she knows what's going on.
I hate the fact sometimes that I have to do this all myself but realize I can't make her stop and hopefully someday she will come to her senses. I've stopped trying to make her stop and have really tried to detach with love. Allowing her space.. My problem is and the reason for this post is to figure out boundaries and MaryJane has a great point, I was thinking of setting boundaries for her but instead I need to sent boundaries for myself.. Now to figure out what they are.....
I live with an AH (Alcoholic Husband) + 2 AS (Addicted Sons). 1 Son is in recovery and has moved out with his fiance and their child. The other son is supposed to leave today as he's violated the rules (pot in the home).
I struggled big-time with boundaries - especially when I was emotional. I had to try and look at this as a business and what was stated above is what I used. What am I comfortable with? What can I NOT live with? How do I keep my child(ren) safe?
I also am in recovery (27 years sober) so understand the cravings, compulsions and desires for mind-altering substances. It's true that when one is active in the disease, the substance is in control. There's absolutely no point in trying to discuss, reason, bargain, etc. with an active alcoholic/addict.
I have come to expect 'nothing' from my AH. If he does do something or attend something, it's just an added bonus and a surprise. While I never expected to be 'here' when we married, it's the best approach for my situation.
With my sons, after much internal debating and accepting, I draw the line with illegal behavior and house rules. I can't control what they do as they are both adults, but I can control how I participate (or not) in their days, lives, etc.
I attend 3-5 meetings a week, dine out with friends and work-out. I walk the dog, take bubble baths and read a ton. I try to work my program, take each day as it comes and not project - good or bad - just staying in the moment as much as possible. It's allowed me to find peace and even smile...despite the chaos and lack of 'normal'.
Living with addiction, recovery and/or temptation has it's own challenges and rewards. I truly have to hold on to the fact that this is a disease and I need to treat those in my life with as much compassion and understanding as I can/have in the moment.
On tough days, I take longer walks and/or find projects to fill my time and give me a sense of value. I had to stop putting my life on hold hoping for the best and begin to live my life and expect nothing.
Good luck and glad you found us here!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks everyone, very helpful shares on boundaries. This is something I need to keep working on, as I slip into having unreasonable expectations and then pay the price emotionally. I think somehow I am confusing expectations with standards when this happens without realizing it.
What I hope to do is create a boundary for myself that I can stick with and help me focus on my life and detach with kindness. As I said before, I think it's my expectations that really set me up, so this seems a good as place as any to create my boundary.
I recently divorced from my AW. Roughly every five weeks, she would get drunk and disappear for the night. She often checked herself into a motel without any notification. I had no idea where she was. I lied to the stepkids to keep things together and only near the end did I start telling others what I was going through.
I try to relate this talk about boundaries to my own experience. I didn't give her any boundaries like "if it happens again then X." The boundary was really with myself. I kept telling myself I'm a good person, I deserve better than this, etc. I experienced significant internal conflict over why I remained in this marriage when I knew I deserved someone who could love and appreciate me. All my AW could love was her alcohol and other addictive "escapes."
Eventually, I just burnt out. I think it manifested as thinking less. When she told me I needed to continue going to therapy else she was done, which struck me as completely and totally absurd, I seized the day and, without much thought, simply agreed we should be done. While it's immensely depressing for me right now and probably will be for at least the next several months, it's probably the best thing I ever did for myself. It will give me a chance for future happiness. It will free me from the chains of addiction--something that was forced upon me even though I have no addictions of my own.
The key for me was the realization that my AW did not want to change. In that last moment, she continued to make excuses and/or try to put the responsibility on me to do something or work on something to make things better. Realistically, it was all her at that point. Were she someone who wanted change, who worked the program, who went to meetings, and who committed to everything else the therapist said she should be doing, then I could be patient and remain. I just decided I can't force someone to want to change, though. I firmly believe lots of people never do and are afflicted by addiction until the end. I didn't want to be sticking around were that to be the case.
How it is for you has to be an individual decision. I wouldn't say I made the right choice or best choice. I did what I had to do for me. After that there's not much more to say.
