The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I choked on my tears at the meeting last night. We were talking about choices. This whole week I have been second guessing my choice to get divorced because the finality is hitting me. It is now official. He will not speak to me or communicate at all (which I guess may have its good aspects). I still have to pack up all his stuff and the physical pick up needs to happen. I am dreading it.
Anyway, my point was--that I was beating myself up the last two days just crying crying crying "Why did I do this?" "I should have tried harder" "What if..."
But I am trying to come around to thinking about it as, at the times that we were drifting further and further apart and everything was just blowing up all around me, I did the best I could. The day I filed the divorce papers, I sat in the car bawling...I almost didn't go in, I dialed his number/hung up, I just sat there just crying. Something inside me made me get out of the car and hand them in. Something at that moment told me I had to do it. I am trying to trust myself and who I was at that moment.
I have been through hell in this marriage. It was not working--he is a broken human being incapable of loving anyone else, or at least not in the way a wife deserves. I know that. Just need to focus on me--and try to change what I can. I feel like a loser that I even still consider the marriage in a positive way, like "What is wrong with me???" Any sane person would not have stayed as long as I did, and here I am am crying about it after finally being freed from the chaos. Ugh. Just so grateful for the program. I cannot even fathom what I have been spared just having these tools to deal.
Perhaps the tears were for how you wished it had been, not how it was. Either way it is hard moving on, be gentle with yourself. You will get stronger each day.
It is very personal and emotional, i am still grieving
And my dry ah left 10 months ago. It is the lost hopes and
Dreams. Mourning the good years trying to forget the bad.
The marriage no longer works and we need to put it to bed
but it is Really not all that simple and easy. I wish it was. So
many Deep emotions and feelings are buried inside.
((((Sookie ))) you are definitely not alone. One of the many gifts that Al-Anon has given me, is the ability to feel safe enough to cry and allow tears to help my healing.
Reviewing choices with an open mind and examining my motives also helped me to see how I had grown over my lifetime and after entering Al-Anon. Life is about change and growth and I found it to be true that some people are in our lives for season a reason our lifetime. Once I've learned the lesson that I need to learn then the situation changes. HP is in control and trusting the process is very important.
I found it also important to see that an important part of my recovery was having the courage to allow myself to feel the feelings, the difficult, painful ones, knowing that they would lift.
Thanks for bringing your truth here. I will hold positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family.
