The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Can you really have a real relationship with someone who abuses alcohol daily? Is it even possible? Alcohol interferes immensely with emotional and spiritual growth, right? How can you build a real relationship with some who drinks? If you are in that relationship how do you remain sane?
I found that I could stay sane while in a "relationship" with an alcoholic by attending alanon face to face meetings, using the tools including detachment and keeping the focus on myself. it is a lonely experince
I would say no, a real, meaningful relationship was not something i got when my ex was actively drinking. Even during periods of sobriety it wasnt a real relationship in terms of the disease being at the front, sitting right in the middle inbetween us. He was anxiou, irritable, guilty a lot of the time sober so the disease was still running the show. the disease effected the whole family so i wasnt capable of a healthy relationship either.
Even when i left him i remained sick for a couple of years until i got recovery in alanon. im still ot sure i would be able to take part in a healthy relationship without getting needy and irrational. I would be much better though.
I can only speak from my experience when I say that no, I do not have a real relationship with ah. I am his caretaker and nothing more. He does not delight in me and I do not delight in him. I can't look into his eyes and not see the times when he came at me, fists flying in a drunken rage.
There has been just too much emotional and physical abuse and I will never be able to form a bond of love and trust and mutual cAre with him.
There might be people out there who can enjoy sober times with their ah but not me. He is just as insufferable sober as he is drunk.
Wow! Sorry for the downer of a post! Maybe some others have better experiences.
It was "real" dramatic...real painful...real turbulent....and then, real toxic. I didn't have alanon then though and I also was a drunk myself so...imaging the chaos there. I relate to some of what PennyJenny said even though there were never fists flying, there were drunken incidents that were so awful and traumatic that the romantic love, admiration, respect, and affection was really just killed.
What others have said was my experience too. And living with that is what brought me to Al-Anon where I have found my real relationship. It is with my higher power. That is my real deal. I am so grateful.
I am finding for myself and my active AH that the times I feel connected and close to him are less and less all the time. The more control the disease has over him, the less intimate our relationship becomes. I have found that through Al-Anon I have hope for peace and serenity for myself, and I am learning to detach and treat him with sympathy and kindness, but the deep abiding friendship, mutual respect and intimate trust are eroding every day. It is my hope that through this program I can achieve for myself sanity, regardless of what he does. And it is also my hope that someday we will once again enjoy the benefits of an intimate, trusting, devoted marriage.
I believe that all things are possible...
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
I'm dating someone who has been sober for a lil over 13 months and it's still a struggle. I'm so happy of the progress and how far he's come. However, I rarely see him due to his AA meetings. Being that he doesn't like to have idle time he fills up every part of every day with something. I find that I'm not a priority, i'm not ever 2nd or 3rd.
I would never ever get in his was of his AA meetings but it's hard to find a happy balance.
I would like to say that having a relationship with a sober person in AA is different than an active drunk, though clearly we (sober alcoholics - even those in program for a long time) still are not paragons of mental health as a group.
Flowerpower, at 13 months sober I was still riding a giant AA wave. I was so proud and happy I made it to a year. I wanted to sponsor like a billion people and shout AA from the treetops. I also wanted a relationship too and didn't realize it was going to take a bit more time to settle down and be more comfortable with myself. I did a lot of growing in year 2 of sobriety.
That's exactly how my bf is. He wants to do everything anything for everyone in AA. His sponsor will call him when ever with all of these commitments that he needs help with. My bf told me that AA has done so much for him that he can't say no to any obligations.
I've asked him a few times if he really thinks he can give time to a serious relationship.
Being that he doesn't want idle time he will fill it up with the gym, playing baseball and a slew of other things.
I'm so proud of him and I admire him very much for coming such a long way.
I just don't know how this can work if he doesn't give us time to grow and flourish.
Our relationship is only a few months old.
I adore him very much but I'm having a hard time finding my place in his very busy world.
I think you have to look at it backward. Instead of saying and feeling proud of him and his accomplishments (and rightly so) try to focus on yourself and make yourself the best and most interesting person you can be. Make yourself someone that when he finally does notice you will be a person he is proud of, and in the meantime, you will have a great life. My AH and I have been married since 1971. I was quite invisible to him when he was drinking. I used to think of where I was on his list of priorities. I know he took better care of his car than me. Then he got sober in 2000. In the meantime I raised the kids and finished my college degree and got a job and kept on living. I was miserable with him but quite happy about the parts of my life that were not with him.
When he got sober he thought I was supposed to be there to be his cheerleader but by then I liked the parts of my life that were not with him. He really had to make me "like" him again. That took many years. It is only recently that he is even noticing that I have done things to be proud of and other people notice me and say things to him to make him notice me. That said, I can't remember the last time I was complimented by him.... but my self esteem is not tied up in him.
