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My husband of 33 years is in ICU for the past 2 weeks- perforated bowel ( duodenal ulcer from alcohol) that opened twice, tracheotomy tomorrow, liver and kidney function damaged from alcohol. If he does pull through they said a rehab then nursing home placement. He is only 60 years old. And myself and our five children feel nothing. I went and briefly saw him and to talk to the doctors and insurance people, none of our kids have gone. We had not had any contact with him since January. He has been detached for years- lived in my house but barely spoke to anyone. Came in late and left early- we seldom saw him. He did put money in the bank. In Dec he was fired from his job of 26 years- did not tell me until end of January. So I finally said enough- time to go our separate ways. I feel guilt hoping it all just ends.
(((Lisal))) Welcome I am so sorry that the disease is so advanced and do so understand. Please know that I too felt that death was much more acceptable than living in the pain of the end stage disease of alcoholism.
I believe that there is no need to feel guilty regarding this attitude. My son suffered a few of these symptoms and passed in his sleep from the disease at age 41. Prayers and positive thoughts that HP's will be done.
He has been homeless since he left here- living in his car and at the casino getting chips off the floor and cashing them in, drinking peoples left over drinks. How could it be that far gone and I not really know the extent? How could he be so bad and still have his job as of last December? Was it that bad then or did the past few months just snowball it all?
I am so sorry- I can not imagine it being my child.
The disease is very progressive-- In my sons's case it seemed to stay the same for a few years and then the downward spiral seemed to happen over night In and out of rehabs and detoxs etc--nothing stopped the inevitable. It is a dreadful disease
I would like to suggest that you and your children search out alanon face to face meetings and attend The principles and support from these meetings saved my sanity and life. Please keep sharing here as well.
(hugs) You have come to the right place. there is help here for you and your children and people to share their experiences. It sounds like his illness was very far progressed.
I feel like he is close to death- but the hospital just says "He is very sicK". So hard to make decisions on what should and should not be done. Then I am insane enough to think "Oh- now he'll get it. He will HAVE to stop after this!"
Does anyone know people who lived through these types of issues or is this just the end of the process? He has never gone to a rehab- only ever admitted once he had a problem once many many years ago, and by the next morning was insisting he had it under control.
Yes, I knew a wife who came to MIP whose husband was hospitalized and she believed it might be the end. He left the hospital and was sober quite a few years. I don't know their current situation. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Im sorry things have got bad. Ive heard that where theres life theres hope. Can you get to a fqce to face alanon meeting, begin your road to recovery for yourself. It was the best thing i ever done and now im mkstly out the clutches of the disease.
I have never actually talked to anyone about it- but I have also never allowed his disease to rule our lives. There has never been any fighting, raised voices, etc. I have never allowed him to suck me into arguments. Many many years ago I told him I would speak to him when he was sober, and he was welcome to be with me and the children when sober. Those "rules" eventually led to never speaking to him nor him to us. He has been like a ghost in our home for many years. He stayed out after work until well after we were in bed, and left before we got up. If he was home he stayed locked in his room drinking. He became more of an embarrassment than anything else- it was awkward when he happened to be anywhere even if he was just passing through. On the one hand so dysfunctional, but on the other we just moved on living our lives. Kids grew up, went to college, bought house, got married, had babies. And he missed it all. I don't think he knows how many grandchildren we have. I slowly took over everything in our home- bill paying, maintenance, etc. He would show up when told to sign things like refinances.
I had a lot of anger at him in the past, but now more pity. Such a wasted life. Still anger if I think about it too much.
When the hospital called we did not go. My daughter had her first ob appointment and we were all going to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. It just felt insane that we had been notified my husband, her father was in ICU and it felt best to keep her appointment and just keep living our normal life. I felt like he should not get to force his emergencies into our normally peaceful lives. But at the same time I feel like I am a monster. I know detachment is necessary- but is this level normal? I actually feel relieved he has a roof over his head and is sleeping in a bed.
I am so glad you posted here. You were so honest and said something that many people wouldn't have the guts to say. I too struggle with this feeling. Not so much that I feel like the death of ah would be better than this, but the feeling like his death at a young age is inevitable and I just wish I knew when it was going to happen. He is a heart patient who continually abuses his body with different poisons, mostly alcohol and massive quantities of cigarettes, and skipped cardiologist appointments. Detachment with love has helped me a lot but there is this empty hole in my soul growing that longs for the closeness and intimacy and passion of a real relationship.
I want to leave but I live in the prison of my own guilt and fear of him being alone and sad and scared.
Lisal...I think you have done well having as "normal" a reaction to a disease that is insane and abnormal by nature. It is possible to recover for him. If he went into a nursing home or was simply so debilitated that he couldn't drink anymore, that would be some sort of recovery, but not a real one or a full one. It sounds like he really wants to die which is just so sad and that is the progression of the disease.
Well done for carrying on with your lives in a crazy making situation.
You don't sound like a monster at all, you sound like a lady with great dignity and good sense.
I think that a lot of us can relate to the feelings that you have felt - you are not alone.
Lisa ... you can't get back once in a lifetime moments. To feel joy about a new life coming into the world and support your daughter in that seems very healthy to me. You also deserve to that beautiful experience with your daughter.
I'm not going to speculate with my human "expertise" as to what's in your husband's head concerning his will to live. In my humble opinion, the outcome rests in a spiritual connection between himself with something greater than any human.
In person Alanon can provide comfort and support during this time. At the meetings, you can simply show up and listen. There's no requirement to share anything with anyone if you'd rather not. It's an hour from yours and your childrens day to receive support from those who have been through similiar circumstances. For some of us, listening to others share in these meetings has helped us to see we're not the only ones living with such circumstances and we've felt less alone.
Your husband is being looked after by his doctors and the god of his understanding. Maybe you'll choose to find an Alanon meeting. My experience has been that the love and understanding I find there from being consistently and warmly welcomed and the overall recovery in the rooms from people like myself who share their experience, strength and hope, helps me feel more grounded when I leave the meeting to make decisions with clear thinking.
I'm sorry for all the pain you and your children have experienced are continue to experience. I'm also sorry for the pain your husband is experiencing due to his disease.
Prayers for you and your family. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks to all. The words " feel more grounded when I leave the meeting to make decisions with clear thinking" really hit home for me. So hard to find myself in this situation making choices I do not feel qualified to make. It seems like a domino thing- he has had 4 surgeries since April 28th when he was admitted. I find myself wondering how many one thing after another can there be, and what is the point if he will recover just to go drink strangers left overs at the casino again?
It was wonderful to share that moment with my daughter, and I know in my head it was right not to let it be stolen. But my heart says "your husband of 33 years is in ICU- normal people GO".
If it was any other disease I would have run. Heart disease, diabetes- I would be there. That is the hardest thing about this- even though you know what you need to do you feel shame doing it and for even shame having a family member in his situation. Most people I know do not even know I have a husband. Intellectually I know there is no shame to feel- but I have to make a conscious choice not to feel it. It still sneaks in and I have to choose to kick it back out.
I will look up meeting near me. Or most likely far enough away to not run into any neighbors or people I know!
I did end up going to see him- first time I have seen him since last January. He could not speak due to the respirator tube, but he had no problem looking at me with those anger filled blank eyes- even without words I could feel him deciding this is somehow my fault as well. It did make it easy to leave. He can not really hurt me anymore except for the pain I feel that my children's father is in this shape, or the pain you feel seeing anyone suffer. I do not want a "relationship", but I do feel he is somewhat my responsibility just because we are legally married. There is no one else to make the decisions that have to be made.
I applaud your decision and choice to live your life in spite of his disease. I believe it's given your children the ability to see that life is about choices. Just because you all have moved forward doesn't mean you don't have feelings for your AH.
I have seen an alcoholic who was in extremely bad shape and was projected to die. He had destroyed his liver and had other issues beyond that, but it was the most pressing.
The hospital told him he needed a transplant and would not be considered for one or put on the list unless he was sober at least 6 months.
When faced with certain death, he decided to treat his disease and got sober. He had a miraculous recovery and ended up with a liver that 'healed itelf'.
He lived sober for 7 years, and then died from cancer. He died sober, and said he felt more alive in the last 7 years than the 30+ years prior.
This disease is progressive; I too believe that where there is life, there is hope.
Prayers for you and your family. Thanks for sharing your ESH!
PS - I've also felt that the death of my AH would be easier to deal with than our reality. That is always followed by extreme guilt for thinking like that....LOL - but wanted you to know that you are not alone in your thinking process.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
