The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been separated from my alcoholic husband for 6 months now (this is the second time we've separated). He has been drinking for 4 months now. He is blaming me for it. Right after we separated the 2nd time, I was feeling very lonely and depressed and he was being lovely. I was really stupid and slept with him - and got pregnant. After talking with him about it and having him state he supported my decision multiple times (he wasn't drinking or abusing at the time), I had an abortion. He stayed with the kids and I while I recovered. Nothing was hidden or underhanded. There was no way I could have even carried the baby because of how sick I get during pregnancy. Not to mention finances, his addiction, both of our kids are special needs, etc. I made sure I was getting counseling and he said he had spoken to his counselor about things and was dealing with it. Fast forward to now. He is about to be evicted from his apartment, he has been robbed and beaten, he has threatened suicide. I have had him admitted for 5 days but no one can do anything for him. Spoke to him two weeks ago and he refused rehab still. Things are very bad. I called his mom to let her know what was happening and that I was very concerned for the situation. She told me that he told her that his drinking is my fault and that he would have told her what I did but that he promised me he wouldn't say anything to her. Utterly not the truth - no promises were made or asked, and I have tried as hard as I can to offer him help while remaining detached and not enabling him. That logical part of my brain knows that this is not my fault and that I didn't cause him to pick up the bottle and start drinking again. But what if I did? He was doing fine (for him - which means no drinking or abusing and only being a mild ass, plus working and supporting the kids for the first time in 3 years) until then. Before this recent episode of drinking, he had not had a drink in 10 years. He had been a dry drunk, and abused prescription medications at times, hoarded, etc. But no drinking.
Did I cause this? Is it my fault? I will never feel wonderful about the situation above, but I am working through it and healing. Obviously he isn't and is blaming me. Just want a neutral opinion.
((HUGS)) You are in the right place. It sounds like you are dealing with so much. You have no reason to feel guilty about his taking a drink. You do not have that power over him. He made that choice. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I hope you have a support system in place and are taking care of yourself. If you are able to attend a face to face meeting and listen, even if you are not comfortable sharing, you may see there is a path to feeling better and stronger. I know with my now ex-alcoholic husband, I blamed myself for a lot of it and guilt can come back in fast and furiously if I do not stop it. The alcoholic has choices...so do you! Be gentle on yourself.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. That was the first thing I learned in al anon. He alone is responsible for his addictions and his behavior. No matter what he says!
Alcoholism is a disease.You didn't cause it and you can't cure it .My ex blamed me for everything!.It is an unhealthy way for someone to continue doing what they want to do.I am absolutely not responsible for another human beings choices.It is a form of denial,if they can point the finger at someone else,they don't have to look at their own mess.
Thank you so much, everyone. That makes me feel less horrible about what has happened. It stinks that I still feel so bad even after everything. How can you wish someone harm at times and then hurt for them when it happens? I have never tried Al-Anon, but maybe I ought to begin going.
Hello Rose petal, welcome to MIP. I'm glad that you connected and shared your concerns. Alcoholism is a progressive chronic fatal disease over which were powerless. As a result of living with the disease and attempting to cope with the insanity, we too desperately need a program of recovery of our own.
Al-Anon is that program. Whether you are still living with the alcoholic or not the negative affects remain with us unless we seek support and help. In Al-Anon I was given constructive tools to live by and these helped me to restore my self-esteem and self-worth. I learned how to respond and stop reacting to take care of myself by keeping the focus off others and on myself and my needs.
It is so freeing to understand and accept the fact that we are powerless over people places and things and that our responsibility is to our own selves. Please keep coming back
AlAnon is a program that will help you work through those feelings. I had a lot of anger about my wife's alcoholism and its collateral damage when I joined. Al Anon has helped me work through that by going to meetings, working the steps, and coming here.
As you have read, you didn't cuase it, can't control it, and won't cure it. The way I think of it is that, if my wife knows that she has an illness, and that it took complete abstinence to keep from relapse, then she has the knowledge she needs. If she picks up a bottle, I didn't put it in her hands, and I didn't make her drink it. In fact, I can't make physically make her drink it!
You aren't responsible for your husband's choice of coping techniques.
