The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I may have started Al Anon too late, as I just want out of my 15 year relationship (10 year marriage). My AH has slowed down so much on his drinking and he's so proud of his progress and even though he still drinks he almost never becomes drunk. He hasn't been physically violent with me in over a year.
I just wish I could divorce him but he loves me so much and he will hurt so BAD if I do this to him. I have never been happy with him, and I have always been nervous and uneasy around him. This only got worse seven years ago when our child was born and he started drinking when I needed him most. The verbal abuse got worse at this time, and morphed into sexual then physical abuse. It finally got physical several times about a year and more ago, but not since.
I know I have grounds to leave him as he is still verbally abusive, I just don't know how I can hurt him like that. I just want to get on with my life and stop having to pretend everyday.
His health issues also keep me feeling guilty, as he relies on me to care for him and I don't know who will help him if I am gone (even though he can still bathe himself, etc.)
He is such a hurting person and such a teddy bear in many ways. But I am not in love with him, and am very unhappy around him. I feel so selfish and confused.
Is it weird that i WISH he would just get violent ONE MORE TIME so I'd have a really good reason to leave? One that even he couldn't deny?
I know this all sounds crazy but I figure I may as well me completely honest. I just wish I could get one more bruise. I was too afraid to leave the last times, but I'm not afraid anymore.
Hi Penny, How many bruises do you have on your emotions? If he needs you so badly why would he mistreat you so much? He must figure he can get along fine without you if he does the things he does and still *needs* you to take care of him.
Or does he just figure you will never leave, so he can abuse you with impunity?
Either way, the answer is up to you, not him. You don't have to prove anything to him, you have everything you need. Don't wait for another bruise, if you get one you could get lots of other collateral damage, including loss of life.
Welcome to MIP PennyJenny, this is a wonderful place where you will find so many who understand your situation.
I can relate to everything that you say, I too have had thoughts similar to yours. One day I thought about my own 'inner child' and about whether or not I should take care of her. I cried a lot that day!!
My husband abused me emotionally, and it warped my thinking more than I care to admit. But abuse is awful and not acceptable. The way that I started to think about things was not rational. But eventually I came to believe that my self esteem mattered and I took responsibility for maintaining that. Thinking that I needed my husband to hurt me again was me undermining me. He didn't need to lift a finger - I was doing it for him!!
One other thing that I started to think about was that I was hurting and punishing my husband by staying in a marriage where I was pretending that all was ok when it clearly was not. I am still with my husband, but now he knows that I need him to re-earn my trust and love and we are working on it. It isn't easy, but by being honest with myself I am finding it easier to be honest with him.
I admire your honesty. You do have choices and freedom. It is ok to take care and love yourself. Thank you for being here.
Emotional and Mental abuse are so much harder for us to deal with. Our bruises don't show.
Once you realize that you need to get healthy for yourself it will all into place. My biggest fear in going to Al-anon and working my program (even with my spouse in his own recovery) is that I'm going to get healthy and leave him anyway.
I love him.
He loves me.
sometimes love is not enough.
You want OUT. what else do you need? why do you even need a REASON?
also how he currently treats you is how your child will learn to treat a partner. Is this what you want your child to learn?
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Hello PennyJenny and welcome to MIP. One of the beauties of this program is that it encourages you not to make any major life changing decisions right from the start, 6 months was the guideline I followed - the great thing about that was it took having to make THAT decision off my back for a while, let me work on other things, me mostly, finding out what I wanted, what I thought so that when the time came to make that decision, I knew it was the right one for the right reasons. It's never too late to come to Al-Anon!
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Thanks for all the replies. The wishing for violence thing was something that was hard for me to admit.
I also cried when thinking of my inner child-the dreamer with the sparkly eyes and I am keeping her (my current self and past versions of myself) prisoner in this relationship.
I think he abuses me because it's some sort of release for him. And I think he does fear I will leave him but he always thinks he will get better before I do.
I mean when he's sitting there gettng in my face I can see the tension and pressure building for him and when I finally start crying it's like some sort of sick release. Then He promptly begins yelling at me for crying. But I feel him pushing and PUSHIng for it.
He has the meanest, emptiest eyes when he does this.
I kept waiting for mine to hurt me "enough" to leave. He stopped the violence completely for about 5 years, I thought t was in the past and then it started up again and I kept waiting until it got "bad enough".
It finally did get bad enough a bit under a year ago and I still have weird muscle ticks in my face, heart palpitations, I scream at shadows and stuff like that because I waited until it was literally life or death. I thought he was killing me that last time and my daughter thought he was killing me too and now she hates him irrepairably and I would never let myself be alone with him again although I see him occasionally with other people around.
The really sad and insane bit is last time I saw him he actually made a JOKE about that last time he bashed me and terrorised us, as if it was an endearing little argument we had and not a horrific act of violence that I am still recovering from. Thankfully I am past needing him to acknowledge his wrongs now. All that matters is that I know how wrong and harmful it was and that I don't ever want to experience it again.
He pleads with me, why can't we be together and sometimes I feel sad and sorry for him too and then I remember the horrible injuries inside and out and throw myself into my al-anon program because that was what saved me in the end and helped me see through the bizarre acceptance and tolerance I had built up for violence and abuse to myself.
Anyway good on you for saying it out loud and admitting it to yourself; I wish I'd been able to do that before it got "bad enough". I believe my A also needs to inflict pain as a release and actually gets drunk in order to let himself do it. I think he is as addicted to abusing as he is to alcohol. But that's his business; my business is to protect myself from harm.
As has already been said, you don't have to make any big decisions but I'd really urge you to attend meetings and find a sponsor and start working the steps; it made all the difference in the world for me.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
From the incident where he got violent over a year ago, I still fear the sound of breaking glass. We had lots of people over and he was getting violent, trying to stab himself in the chest with a knife. I took my child out his window, ran through the yard with him. His brother saw me out there and tried to keep him from seeing us, knowing he would go ballistic if he saw us leaving. The last thing I heard was the sound of breaking glass as he busted through the kitchen window. But I was already out the gate and halfway to the car.
Then a couple of weeks ago, I was inside by that window and he was outside and he jokingly bumped the (still boarded up - as in it's been a year and a half and he has still not fixed the window) window, and a large piece of stray glass fell down. I nearly lost it. I think I have PTSD triggered by certain sounds, events, and behaviors. I get anxious and paranoid and begin to feel as though he is somewhere closeby even when he is not.
He also tries to joke it away. Like when he was trying to punch me in the face (but was too drunk to land a punch and kept falling over) he said he was "just playing with me" or "just trying to scare me." He says that if he had really wanted to hit me he wouldn't have missed and that I am making a big deal out of nothing to make him look bad. I don't believe him of course, but it does make me angry that he refuses to take responsibility for what he did.
I have been attending meetings and really think they are helping. For some reason, sharing my story and being honest about everyting seems to be helping the most. I have spent over a decade trying to hide his problems from everyone, put on a face and explain things away, make excuses for him, etc. It is SO freeing to finally just let it out there and be honest. Not to mention how amazing it is that other people have gone through it too and are also willing to share.
I came from a very Christian, sheltered background. My mother is June Cleaver, and my father is a cross between Ward Cleaver and Mr. Rogers. They are smart, sharp, kind, caring, and never judge. I always had a safe place growing up and perfect example of marriage. I am happy to have had that foundation, and they are still a source of support for me. In a way though, I feel all the more un prepared to deal with the type of situation I am in as I have NEVER seen it! Not until Al Anon and I am so grateful to be able to see how other people are handling these situations. I love that you used the word bizarre, because that's exactly what it feels like to me!
It is an awful cycle. The violence is traumatizing but also degrades a person to the point that they feel so damaged that they don't deserve better. Penny, fact is, this is YOUR life not his and you have to live it for YOU. When you have been living with a tyrannical, violent, and emotionally abusive drunk, you lose yourself in the process. Even with a non-violent drunk, it's still always about them 24/7. We emerge from relationships with alcoholics literally thinking "Oh...so I matter? What I think is important? I'm allowed to do what I want to do?!"
I also thing that violent men simultaneously get high on power and control. So that "release" you are seeing him have when you break down...That is when he knows he still has control over you and power. He would get more agitated if you just didn't care or argued back. In sum, you can't love a sick person like that without the sickness rubbing off on you. What a total mind screw to have someone tell you that they love you in one breath and then abuse you in the next.
I hope you are feeling stronger today. I'm making this a guilt free day - hope you can join me!!
It is just my opinion, and to be honest its not at all important, but agree that abuse is some form of release, totally 100% not excusable though! And I think that the abuser is in their own prison as well, hurting themselves as well as others. I have no sympathy or guilt about that btw. To my mind the alcohol gremlin is taking great care of itself because if someone feels bad about what they are doing it is so easy for alcohol to step in and drown those feelings out with yet another drink.
I think that the single most helpful thing that we can do is to take care of ourselves and expect to be treated with the respect; to walk away from abuse if we need to. Things can change, WE can change, but if we stay and put up with it, why would anything change at all? There is help for us as well - through Alanon and Shelter groups. I've been trying to understand why I did put up with it for so long, just so I don't make the same mistake again.
Whatever feels comfortable for you probably is right for you. What would those lovely sparkling eyes like to see next? I couldn't change my husband's behaviour but I could change my own. What feels comfortable for you? Can you believe that you deserve to feel safe? What does that look like for you?
I also liked LikeMyHeart's reminder that we can make our choices on our own timescale - that was a huge relief for me!
It is never too late.My ex was also abusive and I was so tired of living in fear, I was anxious around him because he became so volatile.I realized god did not put me on this earth to be someone's punching bag. there are healthy ways to deal with anger,but he didn't have healthy behaviors.I decided to leave.When I read the subject of your post,"Just.Want.Out" I saw a very firm and clear statement not muddled with guilt.I would do that to,I would say I am ending it,but then talk myself out of it .Maybe just go back to that statement and read it and focus on that.
Thanks so much everyone. I just cannot wait until the day I get the courage to do this. I'm not worried about my son anymore, I know he will be better off. I am only worried about how bad this will hurt my ah. He knows something's up and has straight up asked me if I lost feelings for him. I denied it and said we were fine. But now he's being so docile and stuff that I'm losing g sight of the part of me that doesn't feel sorry for him.
But I do feel like I'm wasting my life all for feeling sorry for someone. I just wish I had a crystal ball! My HP is being so silent on the subject and for the first time in my life I do not know what HP would have me do.
Penny, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Your situation sounds very tough. I would disagree with you a bit on your HP being silent on the subject of what to do next. Just go back and read the subject of this thread....you may find some guidance from your HP. Best wishes for you and your son. Stay safe and stay strong.
