I know that mother's day and father's day can be very bitter sweet for many people for a multitude of complex reasons.  I know for me I have a lot of strong mixed emotions about it. 

My sponsor and I have talked about this a great deal because when I came into Alanon 4 years ago I think almost 5 now that I think about it .. I had an awakening of what was and was not my responsibility in terms of my parents.  Did I get the parents I deserved? No.  Did I get the parents that I needed?  Yes.  I think for me my issues of being adopted really come to the forefront.  Wasn't I soooo lucky I was chosen .. lol .. everytime I hear that I want to vomit just a little bit.  Seriously, I don't think many adopted kids are likely to swallow that .. at least I sure didn't feel lucky.  My parents went to a private adoption atty and never would pass today's standard in terms of adoption.  I don't have stories of being locked in closets or daily beatings.  The mental emotional abuse was sever, so it left scars that no one can see physically.  I was an object to be played with at will and then to be ignored, I didn't grow up in an affectionate home.  We didn't do family holidays when I was growing up because of the dysfunction my parents went through .. usually I went to a friends house.  When my mom was a single parent we went to her friends.  I can remember years ago going to hug my maternal grandma and her pulling away .. I realized then how much damage she must have suffered to have a hug appear to be painful.  I continued to hug her when I saw her and her pulling away got less and less .. it was obvious to me she suffered a great deal emotionally.  My mom was not a hugger and honestly I have to remind myself to hug my kids.  Thankfully my kids demand hugs .. LOL .. I'm grateful because it reminds me to reach out to them.  I usually have a V8 moment of oh crap .. yes .. healthy families hug each other.  It's not to do with I don't love my kids or feel affection it takes effort for me to display it.  It has only been recent that I hug others when I greet them again this is something I have to make effort in, not an auto response.  There are some people I do not hug because I can tell it's not their thing and I get that.  My dad has been MIA longer than he was around at this point and while that idea makes me feel sad .. it is what it is and I try and share my experience with my kids so they understand that this does happen and I have tried to reaffirm this is so not about them.  Sometimes people just can't handle their missteps and they project it outwardly. 

What I really wanted to share was this .. I have said this to many people who have been through hell and back during their own childhood as well as their kids.  I tell my kids this all the time .. you can put the blame on me and your dad as long as you need .. however once you turn 23 (don't ask why I picked that age .. LOL) at some point after that age it's time to accept responsibility for your choices and consequences.  You will no longer be a child.  Yes, crappy things happened .. yes, you lacked the ability to have control over the grown up choices your dad and I made .. however you have the ability to make different choices and learn what works and doesn't work .. don't wait until you are 40 to figure this out.  It will make for a very complicated adulthood of anger and sorrow.  I wasted so much time and energy blaming my parents for the sorry state of my life when I had all of the power and control to make my own decisions .. even if they were bad decisions at least I could change the course of my direction.  I mean seriously think about this I'm going to be 47 years old .. I'm probably more mentally in my 20's still making choices that come with some sever consequences .. oi .. another post for another time .. it was only coming into Alanon where I stopped blaming my parents and started realizing how much power I have in my choices.  In taking back this power I have been more able to forgive my parents for things that have happened in the past.  It's not to say ohhh isn't it wonderful my s/father sexually abused me and my mother knew because I told her and she chose him all is forgiven .. that trust is forever shattered, under no circumstances will she be allowed to care for my kids when I'm not present.  It is what it is .. of course I forgive her however she hasn't shown me that the same situation appears she wouldn't do the same thing.  There's more detail to it .. I was living with her and she thought it would be a good idea for him to come and visit while I was there .. ummm NO.  I left and she freaked out.  It's like she wants to pretend what I told her didn't happen.  He's sense passed away.  I do not need to put myself or my kids in unsafe situations.  Or gee dad isn't it great you continue to come in and out of my life at will .. I don't need that in my life .. I accept him as he is .. he's not my dad .. even biologically speaking .. he's not my dad.  I am able to move past the anger I used to feel which actually was more about my lack of self esteem .. and not being good enough.  Hmmm .. I had that pattern with the XAH going on too why I clung with the last bit of my finger tips to the relationship the way I did. 

That's why I'm so grateful for Alanon the steps, sponsorship and continual growing periods of my life .. life really will get easier when I allow it to.  When I say "life" I don't mean the circumstances I can't control I mean my ability to roll with the up's and downs's because while I may be powerless over people, places, and things .. I am not powerless over my own choices.  I have the right to make different decisions at any point and time regardless of what my fears are of the unknown.

I really did get the parents I needed so I could learn the lessons to help me cope with this particular life.  I never really got how strong I truly am until my XAH and I split.  So in that regard I have been able to let go of many childhood coping skills that are no longer necessary for me to live a productive life without feeling in a state of constant hyper vigilance.  I could not have gotten here without the support I received around the tables and I did choose to do alternative therapy and I'm grateful for that too. 

Hugs S :)