The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband quit drinking and joined AA a few days ago. It is a great relief to not have him drunk every night. But a new unsettling fear has settled over me.
Nothing between us has changed for me. I am glad he is trying another way but it will take time for me. He sees that as me not letting him take it day by day and letting him change. But it's only been three day after 10 years.
i also feel that if he stops drinking then he gets to be guilt free and lay the blame of all the miscommunication and damage that has been done at my feet. His Mother moved in with us last week too and she reinforces that with I may be unwilling to look at myself.
I feel like I do look at myself and I am responcable for not leaving long ago and having stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. I am responcable for staying in a relationship where I don't feel loved or valued. I am responcable for not loving myself enough to take care of myself. But the weight of all the other problems in our relationship is to much to be responcable for alone.
i guess my ultimate fear is that after all these years of staying and living through this, iif he is sober, he won't love me any more because he will not take responcability for his part in this relationship. he will just decide I was never right for him in the first place and I will get left with all the baggage and blame alone.
has this ever happened to any one the first time a AH tried to get sober?
Face to face alanon meetings are a good place to start your
Healing journey. You will get the support from people that
have walked Your path. You only need to go and listen with
an open mind. Just say pass till you are ready to speak.
Alanon is a program about us getting better in spite of the
disease. We get as sick as they are but in a different way.
It is a about learning self love, self care and self
Acceptance with the help of your own higher power.
You learn useful tools to live by such as good healthy
Boundaries and loving detachment among other tools.
You learn to keep the focus on you and your healing
and growth. The alcoholic needs to take care of their
Own problems. That is his job with the help of AA.
Relationships with alcoholics wether dry or drunk are
Fraught with issues. Just keep getting healthy and
Emotionally strong for yourself.
My husband stopped drinking 18 months ago and I also beat myself up for having stayed and accepted abuse and suffer the consequences in not feeling particularly safe about loving him. It will take time I think - and that is natural. Without the battle of alcohol in the house my feeling started to return and I let myself feel things that I have been denying for a long time.
The way I see my current situation is that this is very much my time for my own recovery. I do not accept negativity or blame from my husband for things that were his responsibility. I am using this time to restore my sense of self and to heal my wounds and my bruised self-confidence. One of the ways that I go about this is when I say things to myself about myself I try to include positives. I am doing things that I want to do.
It is early days for your partner and perhaps he will be seeing things about himself that he is uncomfortable about. It is possible that he might try to off-load some of those feelings onto you. Can you let those negative comments sail past you? They probably aren't about you in the first place.
Welcome Please search out alanon face to face meeting and attend. You are not alone, as many of us have felt as you do and found a new way to live, This program as well as AA gave me the tools to and forgive myself and others for past misjudgments.
AA and alanon have 12 Steps to Recovery . These Steps direct us to look at he past, learn from it and make amends to people we have harmed . They are a powerful tool and one I can say changed my life.
Please keep coming back.
Many (almost all) of us have been right where you are now. My 4th step determined that "I allowed it and didn't protest." Frankly, he was lucky to have me. As you make your journey through alanon your self esteem will rise and you will truly know that you will be okay because you are good enough in your own self.
What he did, what he became, is all on him. I did not do it. My responsibility is that I allowed it and it affected how I lived my life. The wrongs I did because of that are mine. But what he did is all his.
Don't worry about what his mom says or does. If she can convince you that everything is all your fault she doesn't have to look at herself and her responsibilities. After all, she had him longer than you did.... and she is not responsible for a grown man either. He is responsible and if he has good meetings and a good sponsor he will learn that.
