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My daughter is in treatment now on her own. She does not want to drink. Her drinking is a result of 8 years of mental & emotional abuse from her husband. Her drinking only became a problem about 3 months ago when she had to start taking medication for severe panic and anxiety attacks. So even though she's in treatment for alcohol, I know that's not the root of the problem. Her husband is a dealer and smokes pot 24/7. He also uses cocaine. My point is that he is more of an addict than she is and yet doesn't see his using as a problem. She stays in constant fear of him and that he will get caught and they will lose everything they have and she has worked for. I know she is getting the help she needs but I don't want her to have to come back to the same situation she left. Any words of wisdom with this kind of situation?
-- Edited by Mama D on Saturday 9th of May 2015 12:49:31 AM
I had to leave an alcoholic to get sober myself. I can understand and empathize with her situation. I know that for me, I stayed locked in denial that the relationship was a problem because I was so desperately afraid of being alone. Getting sober is hard and the thought of doing it while being sad and lonely from a break up....even more frightening. But that is what I did eventually, because I could never stay sober with another drunk.
That being said, I think you are minimizing and making excuses for her alcoholism. I would resist saying those things to her about her alcoholism being the result of relationship problems and it only being a problem for the last 3 months. That is likely BS. Nobody can make you be a drunk. You either have that tendency or you don't. No matter how you slice it, this is HER ALCOHOLISM and she needs to own it with no excuses. When she does that, the next step will hopefully (yes I said hopefully because it's only an ideal and it will take a lot of luck and courage and surrender and willingness and so on)....when she owns her alcoholism, the next step will be owning and accepting her crappy relationship and making changes in a similar way.
She's been in denial a long time. It will take her a while in sobriety to start being honest with herself and others. There is also the possibility that she might not ever change in the way you, me, others would think and hope she should. If she is really willing and attends AA after rehab and does it right with a sponsor and step work, she will ideally move through her fears and do what is right and healthy for her. That is how it worked for me. It didn't happen overnight. I had to learn how to live and make better choices while sober and going through it all with AA holding my hand. My parents couldn't do it for me. I had to see the help and utilize my sponsor and AA.
Meanwhile, it will help you to go to alanon because I can hear in your post how frustrating this is for you already and you are affected as well. When I was actively using, I picked horrible partners so my parents could hate them and blame my problems on them rather than my drinking and awful relationship choices. It's a trap. Let her be accountable...don't fall into it. Alanon will help you avoid feeding her disease.
Thank you and yes I have found some al anon groups to attend. I have been involved with al anon in the past. My dad is an alcoholic (deceased now) and her dad, my ex husband. I look forward to the support of the group. I also plan on attending some open AA meetings. These have also helped me face the reality of it in the past. I know I have to let go and take care of myself or I could be in the same place.
Here is more information regarding this situation that I am now finding out from professionals, i.e. therapists, counselors. There is such a thing as situational drinking -- which can lead to alcoholism if not caught in time. Fortunately, they believe my daughter's was caught in time. You do have to look at the whole family dynamics before labeling anyone with anything. In this case, my son-in-law was wanting to draw attention away from himself by calling another pot blacker when in fact he is the blackest. In other words if he gets everyone to focus on her, driving her crazier, then he doesn't have to own up to his own isms, which are the heavier drug usage and selling. It is actually psychotic behavior and very dangerous if not recognized.
Mama alanon believes that we do not label anyone . It is up to each one to identify the problem and seek treatment. What caused the alcoholism or if someone else's alcoholism is more progressed is not really the issue Your daughter is receiving treatment I do hope when she is discharged , she can follow up with AA.
We come to alanon because we have problems with another's drinking--- that is simple . Prayers for your family
I look at alcoholism as the result of a series of switches in the body that have to be switched on. If , for instance, there are 5 switches that have to be on, you may be born with 3 of them already switched on. The other 2 may get switched on as you drink as a teenager, or maybe as a senior retiree that never drank when younger but now in retirement start to drink and end up turning on the 2 switches.
Or you may be born with no alcoholism anywhere in your family, and your switches stay turned off. The point is, we dont know exactly what is happening in ours or anyone elses bodies, so it is impossible to assign blame or even to know for sure what is going on. In alanon we try to stay on our own side of the street and be a positive role model. And we know we are the only ones who can take care of us. We are powerless over everyone else.
Mama, your sil may be a bad dude, but you cant do anything about him. Your daughter has to do all the work in her relationship. She has to want for herself to take care of herself and do what she has to do. You are powerless.
Thank you all so much. I am working my program through al anon because I know it works, except in legal matters I have to take care of. He already has the ball rolling to declare her mentally incompetent and looking for another facility to put her in when she gets discharged from where she is. I am working with her therapists regarding this and getting a health care POA signed. We are powerless, yes but in things that are going on that she is unaware of, she has to have legal protection -- I know because I have seen it happen before that ill meaning relatives have taken over peoples lives. He is already saying the 35 days won't be enough. He can't know this either. I know the power he is trying to exert over her and her business. He has already taken ownership of the business and said he will not allow her involvement when she gets back. His nice sweet self took me to mother's day lunch and informed me of this. He was also clewing me in on his version of reality for me to accept.
