The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There is a reading in one of the daily readers that includes this concept; It isn't my powerlessness that is the problem. It's the idea that i should have power that's the problem.
I cannot find this reading. Can someone help?
I have learned in 4th and 5th step work that it is my job to focus on what is, not what should be. It is the constant thinking about what I should be that makes me constantly dissatisfied with my situation. At nowhere in my recovery does this apply more than with the concept of powerlessness.
As a male of the human race, who grew up in the Bible Belt of the United States, I was and am bombarded with signals that tell me that power is a big deal. I fear weakness. I can't stand it. The idea that someone might conceive me to be weak is terrifying.
The 12 steps are designed as a kit of spiritual tools whose sole purpose is to connect me with a God of my understanding. The tools are all centered around helping me to see my weakness, accept it, and connect with a source of strength that can sustain me. The first concept I had to grasp when I began my journey towards recovery was "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."
In order for me to "get it" I had to look at this from the aspect of being weak. Weakness had much more meaning to me that powerlessness. I wasn't afraid of powerlessness, yet the very thought of weakness made my stomach churn. I had to, somehow, admit that I was weak. Moreover, I had to be OK with the idea of being weak. I had to ACCEPT that I could be weak, and still be a worthwhile person.
Whenever I have something I need to see, I usually have to have some kind of tool to emphasize the thing. For instance, when I needed to see how hard I was on myself, my sponsor assigned me to write down every time I thought or said something critical about myself. After filling several pocket notebooks with degrading, hurtful rhetoric I had been directing at myself, I quickly realized something I had never seen before. I was cruel to myself. Once I could see this, my sponsor said what he always does. "That's good. Isn't it nice to know what the problem is?"
When it came to the life-long resistance I had towards weakness, I began to look for times when I felt afraid. I would ask myself, "What is it about ____________ (fill in the blank) that is making me feel weak?" This tool helped me see how often I was immersed in this struggle with weakness. I then realized that it wasn't the weakness that was the problem, it was the idea that I should be strong. That's what was killing me.
Somehow, I developed the concept that my job was only to be willing. In this case, willing to feel the fear of weakness without without judging myself. In feeling without judgement, it meant I was accepting my weakness. It meant I was accepting ME.
I started to "lean into" weakness. More accurately, I began to voluntarily do things that made me feel weak. Most of the time, this means telling another human being when I am afraid. Somehow, when I do this "leaning in" thing, it makes me feel warm inside. Who knew that leaning into my weakness would cause me to feel strong?
Oh, yeah. Al-Anon knew. My higher power knew. I admitted I was powerless over powerlessness. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could provide me with a greater strength.
Hi Phil Powerful share on the first two steps Thanks.
I love the fact that HP gives me courage, serenity and wisdom to live life. I jsut need to know that when I feel fear, it is OK as I will be given the courage to keep on walking. It is only 12 Steps out of the forest.
Acceptance is the key to all my issues. :)
Hi Phil, I relate to you as I am on the Fourth Step and can identify with your fear, and I am female. In my specific case, it's a fear of appearing passive. Many people I know outside Al-Anon have this idea that somehow you can 'make' people do this or that, and that failing to do so is somehow a lack of backbone or some other moral failure. It's been a struggle for me, as when I react from that fear place I find myself over-explaining things or internally reacting that these people might regard me to be a pushover. The concept of powerlessness has helped me insofar that I realize that it's not my job to change my behavior to 'get' them to change their minds; that's up to them if and when they choose to do so. I only have power over my own mind, and sometimes not that either, which is why I need the steps and the fellowship. Thanks for sharing your experience, appreciate your insight.
