The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Until recently, I had really been doing well at practicing loving detachment. I was focusing on me. Got back to healthy eating, some exercise, and going to meetings. I figured out a convenient way for someone else to watch my infant son when I have to work late so I'm not worried about leaving him alone with my AH for too long. I was taking care of me and my child and not centering my universe around my husband, which I really believed was good for all of us. In general, things were going pretty well for awhile there.
Then last Friday morning happened. My husband watched our son while I took about 20 minutes to shower and get ready for work. When I came out, I caught my husband trying to hide a beer can. He had had a beer at 6:30 in the morning while watching our son, who was in his playpen right in front of him.
I can't even trust him to watch the baby while I take a shower. He couldn't even wait until after we had left to sneak that beer. My son watches every little thing we do and one day, he may consider beer at 6:30 in the morning to be a normal thing. All of these thoughts were running through my head. I can detach when my husband does something that may hurt or upset me, but when it comes to something that effects my son, detachment goes right out the window for me.
I told him that if he did not seriously seek help that day, our son and I would be leaving. I said I was done with lies and excuses. I told him that if he thought he wouldn't have time that day, then he'd better take the day off. He panicked and said he was sorry I don't know how many times. I told him that I loved him, but I was sick of the sorries. He told me he would seek help immediately.
He told me later on that day that he had set up intensive outpatient services with our local rehab center for three nights a week and that he would start attending AA meetings. He also said that he had set up an appointment for the following Monday with our primary care physician to get on some medications to help with physical withdrawl. I thought that this was strange because I had figured that the rehab would make a referral to a psychiatrist for that, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I know that I shouldn't have, but I allowed myself to be hopeful.
Long story short, I found out that he had lied about the doctor for some reason (fear?), but not about the intensive outpatient or the AA meetings. So weird and confusing! He showed me the paperwork for the intensive outpatient but said he doesn't start until next Monday. So far, he claims to have gone to three AA meetings.
So, I feel stuck in limbo for now. He acts like he's committed, then I discover another lie. I'm trying so hard not to focus on it too much. I guess I'll know next week if he's really going to get serious about getting sober. I just hope that he knows that I am going to stick to my word about leaving if he blows it off. Empty threats on my part won't help any of us. It breaks my heart, but I can't let my son grow up like this.
I'm working a lot of hours this week, so I can't get to a f2f meeting until tomorrow night. That's probably adding to my problems right now, too. Thoughts, anyone?
I think you're doing a great job handling it all. You are protecting your son, setting boundaries, and working your program. I guess you'll see next week whether he's serious about sobriety. Hugs to you, I know how truly difficult this all is, on so many levels.
What you just described is so close to my experiences as well. You are in the right place--so many here have been through the same exact thing. I remember the sudden motions my ex-AH hiding a beer can, getting caught, starting over with hope, being let down again.
I also have 2 kids and that was the turning point for me. We sat in a counseling session and I was asked, "What would be the last straw for you?" and I said, "If he drank while he was watching the kids again." And within a week he did it--he got *wasted* while I went to a movie. I thought the same thing as you--couldn't you just wait until after I was home? It is shocking to the core. I had just said in plain English that drinking while responsible for the kids would be the *last straw*
My marriage eventually ended and I have now to deal with parenting with him separately (which is still just as scary), but I know I hung on for so long because I was trying desperately to control the situation, but in reality I had zero control. And I still love him deeply. Meetings, taking it slowly, and letting myself feel the feelings...those things help, knowing I am not alone. Neither are you! I think you will know what to do to protect your son.<3
I agree you are doing a fantastic job Smiley. This is a cunning disease and denial and pretend are tools that are used in the process. I am glad you are committed to your recovery and living in the acceptance of reality.
One day at a time, trusting HP works Prayers and Positive thoughts for you and your family
I don't know...it sounds very iffy as far as whether or not he will truly surrender and get sober. Of course, some folks to get to AA and then it grabs hold of them. That would be nice. When I got sober, I needed to go to AA every single day. In the beginning, I sometimes went more than once a day. It was obvious to everyone that I was all about getting sober. I embraced AA so fully that it was all I talked about almost. So if you don't see that...What you are seeing is someone trying to go on the wagon, which rarely lasts for long, or more of the same BS. It's tricky to spot when someone is going on the wagon versus lying about it. It is not hard to tell if they are serious about recovery....at least not for me. That is pretty obvious. They count days. They announce their day count. They collect chips for sobriety time. They are busy calling their sponsor all the time. They initiate conversations about the steps and constantly talk about "Oh...I heard this in a meeting...." I know this is all about HIM and alanon is supposed to be all about YOU, but I'm posting this so that you and maybe others know how to spot when someone is working a program versus when they are not. That may help you make clearer choices about YOU.
I know it will be hard for you to work, have a young child and go to alanon on top of that, but that is your best option.
Thanks everyone! So far, so good, I guess. My husband attended the intensive outpatient for the first time last night and claimed that he was with a bunch of kids that had been court-ordered to go. He said it was more about the law and consequences for drinking then a sobriety program for serious addicts. He added that he does not think it's the right thing for him since he is more concerned about getting sober, being healthy, keeping his family, etc. He said that he thinks he'd be better off attending AA meetings daily.
He asked me what I wanted him to do and said that he'd keep going to the same group if that's what I wanted. Ugh!!! I wish he would take the initiative without asking me since it is his treatment we're talking about, but I know that he's scared I'll leave him if he makes the wrong choice, so I'm trying to keep my patience about it. I told him that frequent AA meetings are always a good idea, that it is ultimately his decision, and that I thought he should go back to the rehab to see if they can refer him for treatment that's a better fit, like maybe individual therapy and a psychiatrist to help with physical withdrawl symptoms. He seemed open to what I said.
I don't know what to think about his claims about the intensive outpatient group. I want him to be in a program that works for him and all, but a part of me is wondering if he's saying this to begin the process of backing out of treatment. But then he did say he'd rather go to AA every day, so who knows? I'll find out what's going on soon enough.
Until then, I guess I'll just keep working my program and taking care of my son. I am at a point now where I am working on improving life for me and my family. He needs to either get on board with that or get out. I know that's harsh. I do understand that this is a terrible disease, but the time has come for him to help himself.
My husband said the same thing and I have heard other friend's AH's say the same thing...my thoughts were , "Guess what? You ALL need to be there and you can learn from each other...the difference between YOU and them is that THEY GOT CAUGHT!"
But it is his treatment like you said. Not yours. I always tried to stress to my (now ex-) AH that his recovery was for HIM and that the marriage was not a prize he got for getting sober. I think he almost used that as an excuse to keep drinking actually--since there was no promise I would stay even if he got sober. I didn't want that responsibility on my shoulders!
When I finally set a boundary about not driving drunk and he decided to do that, he knew the result would be our separation. When he moved out I just told myself, "He will either get sober or he won't" either way, I will be better off. I'm not going to lie, I wish he had gotten sober and we still had our family, but that didn't happen and I chose not to live with the alcoholism anymore. That was my choice.
Keep coming back and working your program--it sounds like you are operating with common sense and healthy detachment to me
I know that I cannot stop the alcoholic from taking a drink. But I did want so badly for her to be "well". I thought if she has the responsibility and joy of taking care of my 4 yr old grand daughter, she may not "need" to have that drink or those pills. Well it didn't work out. I know that she does not see things the way I see things. She is going to therapy once a week, but refuses to go to AA. She says she is sober, I really don't believe her, I have just been staying away from her. She calls my daughter every day, trying to get her to leave the baby with her. My daughter is staying strong and saying NO. I am trying to guide her, while I feel so confused myself. My sisters call and it's always about Mom. I wish our family could just go on, live our lives, and not be centered around my Mom's addiction.
