The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My mom only began coming out of denial over the past year about my A stepfather. He moved in with us when I was 15 (I am 38 now). I noticed the drinking right away but my mother did not. She went to great lengths to protect and defend him throughout my life.
Now, she is divorcing him, after about 25 years. The reason she is leaving him was not only because of her own unhappiness and abuse, but also friends and relatives (including myself) coming out about molestation and other inappropriate behaviors that she didn't know about.
The worst part for me is not having been abused by him--it's her ongoing denial because I can't get full support from her in my own recovery from his abusive ways.
She is divorcing him, but she still wears her ring, still sleeps in the same bed, and still says she cares for him. I know it will take time for her to let go of the illusion, but it's very frustrating for me. I continue feeling abandoned while she spends her last months of quality time with my abuser. I feel like I have no one.
I've been reaching out to strangers because I can't seem to get the kind of support I need from my family. I know my mother loves me, but she's not in a place to really help me recover from the abuse because of her own codependency issues and not being able to see him for what he is.
Any feedback welcome. I am really struggling with this, very alone. Thank you.
Alright- I don't have any advice really but I would like to let you know that I may have experienced some similar feelings. At least I may be able to make you feel less alone. I grew up in an extremely sick family, Every person in my family was either an alcoholic, addict, completely made insane by codependency or clinically mentally ill. When my father would leave on drug binges for weeks at a time or when he was locked up, my brother and I stayed with my grandmother. My grandfather stayed drunk on the couch and my uncle lived there as well. My uncle was Paranoid Schizophrenic and a belligerent and crude alcoholic. My mother abandon my brother and I when I was about 18 months old so she was not in the picture.
My uncle began molesting me before the form of my conscious memory. I only assume this because my oldest recollection of the abuse did not seem new and I believe it may be because I had already been conditioned to it. At any rate- my Grandmother (I see now) had to of known it was happening. My uncle controlled her every move through guilt tactics. She blamed herself that he was so sick. She would blame herself if anything happened to him. She spent her entire life giving him everything- at one point taking the only bed in the house that my brother and I slept on and giving it to him because he had passed out drunk with a cigarette in his hand and nearly burned down the entire house. I frequently heard him reminding her- "I'm just going to kill myself" over something as trivial as him wanting a cola. And immediately she would literally panhandle in our neighborhood for change to buy him a soda. Meanwhile, my brother and I were hungry.
I remember thinking to myself "Hes not really going to kill himself, if she would stop, she would see that" I was so tiny and the manipulation was SO INCREDIBLY OBVIOUS to me and Im certain it is also obvious to anyone reading this.....but to my Grandmother, for whatever wounded reasons inside of her- she responded to it. She responded to the manipulation, she catered when we had nothing, she walked her legs to the bone to beg and provide for him and she glossed over an innocent little girl having her innocence taken from her over and over again. I had to come to terms with her being sick. Her having her own wounds and her dysfunctional coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms that she most likely had to develop for reasons that surely took place long before I existed. For me, I have had to give the situation space. Realize she was sick and so was he and so was everyone in my family and that unfortunately there was no one to take up for me. It was not until about 6-7 years ago that I even started to examine what I had been through. I had completely disassociated from it and when t started to come up, it felt like a freight train over my chest.
The things that happen to children in this world are awful. My heart breaks for the little tiny souls out there that have no one to stand up for them. My heart breaks for the little girl that I was. I have to believe that God has purpose in everything and I have to believe that God gave me a story for a reason.
Not sure if any of that "therapeutic for me" rants helps you at all, but from one woman to another, you are not alone
Welcome Barbarella, I'm sorry to read of your pain and can understand what you have shared. Al-Anon face-to-face meetings held in most communities would be able to offer you the support, compassion and understanding that you so richly deserve. At these meetings, I also was able to break the isolation caused by living in the disease, and develop new constructive tools to live by.
I urge you to search out the meetings and attend. You are not alone
I am going to try to attend an al-anon meeting in my neighborhood this weekend. It's just too much to bear lately, I need as much support as I can get. It seems like they meet often so I have a lot of choices for meetings.
In the mean time, thank you so, so much for the supportive feedback. This is the most pain I've ever been in. I know it will get better, but in the moment it's pretty horrendous, so it means a lot to get any response.
kspec--I am sorry for what you went through, no words... It helps to know I am not the only one who can see this disease more clearly than the others in my family. I think I have found the right place to share about this.
I am scared, but I know there is safety, sanity, and hope out there and I will eventually find it.
