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My daughter started screaming in pain at the loss of her step daddy. This disease is beyond not fair. I dragged my daughter into loving a bipolar alcoholic and all I have is tears for the life we should have had- compared to what we ended up with. I can pretend that this is not a reality and I can pretend that he will get better but that doesn't make it so. I am heart broken, my daughter is heart broken and he is off feeling sorry for himself instead of trying to get better. how do we do this, what can I tell her? Was it better to stay with someone and cover it all from her? I'm confused and heart broken because of the selfish behavior for someone that I thought would be there and help me raise my daughter. He said he always wanted a family. She asked me if he was coming back, she asked me why and all I have is that people have choices everyday and that some choose sadness and pain instead of family and love. I am not manipulated tonight with the crap he said to me to make it my fault but I am heart broken for choices someone else gets to be selfish to make. I needed him, I wanted him, she needed him and wanted him and tonight two girls mourn for a life that they will not have with someone they really loved but he couldnt love himself enough to know we wanted him always and forever.
-- Edited by Helpangel on Wednesday 6th of May 2015 07:30:13 PM
I'm so sorry. The pain of alcoholism is infinitely more hard when a child is emotionally upset. Hugs to you and your girl-- things will get better. She's lucky to have such a brave mama!
I'm so sorry. It sounds as if she may be stressed already - that wouldn't be surprising from the atmosphere that someone as troubled as your A will bring around him.
Your continued loving and stable presence will be a great help to her. And you are the sane adult in the equation - you know you are saving her from greater harm down the line. If a child breaks a bone, it will hurt to set the bone, but the parent makes sure it is done anyway.
I know there are lots of resources out there for divorcing parents. I hope you can use some of those to soothe and reassure her as things go forward.
I have also known a lot of people whose out-of-control alcoholic parent stayed in the family house (I mean instead of divorcing/separating etc.). I don't think I've ever heard any of them say, "Yes, that was a good idea that the alcoholic stayed with us and we grew up around that."
Sounds awful. Sorry for your pain. Please do remember to tell your daughter she is wonderful and special. You are strong. You didn't need him to raise your child with you. From prior posts it sounds like his presence was like having 2 kids instead of 1. This too shall pass. Of course it is normal and healthy to grieve a break up. But remember, you are also teaching your daughter not to accept unnaceptable behaviors in a relationship and to be a strong independent female. Give yourself credit and be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot.
Im so sorry you and your daughter are having to go through this. I too had to make that same decision six months ago to take my girls (6 and 13) and leave...they are daddy's girls so it was rough for the first 3 months not to have him around but right before the end they saw the person he had become and completley understood why we had to go...as a matter of fact my oldest welcomed the move whole heartedly. Your little girl will be fine as kids are way more resillient...its us grownups that tend to make things a lot harder than they need to be. The best advice I think I got at the time was to do everything you can to stick to normal routines because that really helps the kids (and you) to make it through this transition.....whether temporary or not.
I remember the same sounds of my 5 year old screaming and pressing her face against the window and begging me to make him come back while he drove away.
I promise you this: It does get better day by day. Now six years later, she is happy and healthy and full of sunshine and sparkle. Also, we cannot be so brazen as to think that we can "cover it all" from our children. They see, and they know - even if there is not language to express their knowledge. They are so much smarter than we know.
What you have done for your child is a profound gift. It's one that will potentially ripple through the generations of your family. Today you've chosen her and yourself and your sanity.
You both deserve serenity. It's out there - go to meetings and grab onto it! :)
Thank you everyone. Today I have to admit was hard. I took the day off and tried to get stuff done. Just so tired. He asked if he could take her to tutoring twice a week. My parents thinks he is crazy and are mad that I even let him come around. He is the only dad she knows she wants to see him too. What would u all do? I am not sure if he is drinking but he only does it at night never with her around. Am I being a fool about this?
All I can say is that I would have sworn my ex-AH would never drink around or endanger our son, whom he loves dearly - but the addiction is stronger than that. The disease tells them that they can control it, that drinking is consequence-free and that they're fine drinking whenever and however much. I found my ex was drinking while in charge of our little boy, and it was a miracle that our son came to no harm. And remember that the disease is progressive. How much they drank last year is not going to be how much they drink this year.
If you want to give him visition to your daughter, that's understandable. But I personally wouldn't take the risk of letting him drive her anywhere, no matter how safe he seems. They are masters of secrecy. I know this from bitter experience.
Helpangel, my heart goes out to you and your family. As best as possible, take care of yourself. I've found for myself in times of stress that remembering to do simple things like get enough rest and food are vitally important. Please keep coming back, and I will remember you and your daughter in my meditation and prayers.
