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Hello everyone, it is so good to be here. Even though I am a newbie I have already read so many posts that I relate to.
My wife, who is an alcoholic, just asked me for a divorce after 6 years. I came home from a trip and in a very robotic way she said, "I want out. I'm done. I need to be wild and free. I'm in love with someone else." That was a couple of weeks ago. Since then she has been acting in ways that she did before she went to AA at my insistence -- smoking, sneaking around, acting like I am beneath contempt. And it feels like during this divorce process she is doing everything to control of the situation (taking some things out of the house, but not everything, telling me to take care of certain things, water certain plants, be here or be gone at certain times, and not even telling me where she is living, despite the fact that we have an animal sanctuary and the animals are sad and confused, etc). She gives me mixed messages about getting back together if I "fix" my problems -- particularly shutting down. I understand that problem is something I need to work on and I am seeing a counselor, going to Al-anon, and posting here. I don't blame her for these challenges, but even though she intimates I'm crazy and selfish, I feel like one of the major reasons I am shut down is the verbal abuse that she has blasted me with at frequent and unpredictable times. I have always given her a "pass" on these horrible episodes: for all these years I thought the situation with my spouse was "complicated." Let me explain. I grew up with alcoholics and drug addicts and thought after years of therapy I knew what to look for. Initially she passed all my tests for basic health: she had a good job, volunteered for the poor, was physically fit and didn't drink. Little did I know she had just stopped drinking when we met (looking back she probably picked up that I was very wary of drinking) but wasn't getting any support to stop. When she did start drinking again I didn't see any changes at first. I say it was complicated because she started having grand mal seizures intermittently throughout the night. She didn't remember this, of course. Having a Ph.D. doing research is second nature to me and I wanted to help her with her problem. Long story short, when she was 18 months her Christian Science parents let her linger and die with bacterial meningitis. when she was non responsive they panicked and raced her to the hospital 5 minutes away. The doctors said she wouldn't make it. In an emergency operation they removed part of her infected skull and drained around her brain. The doctors said she would always have mood problems, learning disabilities, seizures, etc. Her folks threw out the remainder of the antibiotic pills, took her home, and never told her what happened. Though there is more to the story (rape, neglect, etc.) she began medicating with alcohol. I knew some years into the relationship she was an alcoholic -- she followed the usual patterns. Given her past illness, though, I convinced myself that her horrible verbal attacks "Weren't her fault." It was always something other than alcoholism and I made constant excuses for her. I became the mother she never had (as her own had let her die as an infant), her researcher and medical advocate, her alcoholic caretaker, never offering resistance or consequences to the most vicious, vicious tirades. Because she knew me so well she knew just where to eviscerate me. She would often say she said she didn't remember what she had said when she calmed down. Once, she kicked the door down when I tried to walk away and get peace in the other room, she picked things to destroy that meant the most to me -- for example my son's pot of flowers he gave me as a toddler. She slapped me away when I got "too close" to her during one of these episodes (I was standing between her and the door and she didn't like it). She would have extreme repulsed reactions when I got close to her or put my arm on the back of her seat in the car. Essentially almost everything I did made her react to me as if I was disgusting, crazy, threatening, unaware, less than human. We continued to call these episodes "seizures." But then I realized during one of these verbally abusive tirades she would be able to answer the phone and suddenly be completely normal. She acted normal around all her AA friends, the neighbors, etc. I allowed myself to continue to put up with it, turning more and more inward and shutting down -- a coping mechanism from my childhood... I had grown up with a father who acted the same way. I realize I need to get myself together and invest in my own well-being. I want to stop absorbing this abuse and allowing myself to give "medical passes" because it is easier than dealing with reality. That is why I am here online, seeing a counselor, and going to Al-Anon meetings locally. I am hopeful with support I can heal and see more clearly. I would especially value insight into whether her abuse was the basic kind you deal with from an alcoholic and she was using my sympathy against me, or if such attacks are not common with alcoholics. Whew -- didn't mean this to be so long -- guess I really needed to talk!
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
When my wife is drinking, she gets to a point of drunk that she wants to pick fights, and I get to a point of frustrated that it is hard to walk away.
She does "self medicate" with alcohol, and I have been very guilty of giving in to the thought that a quick drink during a panic attack to help calm down is somehow different than drinking when not having panic attacks. (The frequency of panic attacks, of course, increased.)
Keep sharing here, knowing that I am not alone makes a huge difference for me!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Hi, spooky. I'm glad that you are attending Al-Anon meetings. It is here that I learned how to give myself permission to keep the focus on myself, live in reality and let go of denial.
I had used denial and pretend as my coping mechanism for many, many years because it helped m exist in the insanity of this disease. In my crooked thinking I believed if I did not acknowledge a problem. It did not exis i thought that the minute that I gave attention to the issue,it grew.
Al-Anon said the problem exists if you acknowledge it or not. Denying its reality is a waste of your time and your life. Here are some tools that will enable you to live in reality with courage serenity and wisdom. I am so glad I picked up as tools and began to live my life.
I would really like to know more about the term and characteristics of a "dry drunk." I really think my dad was one -- and now I think my wife may be. Although she is in the program she has done the things I mentioned above -- people describe people in active addiction this way, but not people in "recovery." So are rage attacks, physical threats, door kicking, breaking my things, saying vicious things, etc evidence of a "dry drunk"? I really need help here. She just asked me for a divorce, telling me she was having an affair and hadn't loved me for some time just a couple weeks ago (all this shocked me and others who knew her as friends/fellow program people, etc.) Now she is asking (telling) me to sell the house and split the proceeds (I bought the house, it is in my name, and she never wanted to marry in the US -- we were married in Canada). She is expecting me to financially support her, though we make the same amount. Canada requires a year separation before even filing for divorce -- I am saying we should slow down, as all this is very sudden. I have offered to have her stay here as a room mate, get another room mate to give her the money from their rent, etc....is this enabling? I am confused and worn down from years of verbal and emotional abuse. I would welcome any perspective.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
This sounds like a truly painful situation. You strike me as an intelligent person who is simply worn down from years of this dysfunctional disease. I recommend meetings and a sponsor. Someone you can sit nose to nose with and talk through these issues could be so helpful.
Also, I hope you can make caring for yourself priority number one. It will feel strange at first perhaps - but try thinking about how you would care for a friend in this same exact situation. If your friend disclosed this difficult living situation and then asked the logistical questions you're asking, how would you respond?
I hope you are gentle with yourself and that you keep coming back for support.
Thank you andromeda and Jenny. I will certainly take your advice. I am seeing a counselor and doing al-anon, but I do need a sponsor. I guess I really didn't know that we could have sponsors. I will be on active look out for someone who fits me -- who challenges me but is also very kind. I am beginning to care for myself. I was in a meeting today with my (ex) wife and our pastor and started to sob (I am just learning to go there) and the pastor made a comment about my crying making my partner feel bad (in context I know she was trying to reassure me in her way that I was not alone in my pain). But I said, without anger but conviction, "These are my tears. They belong to me. I can't care how other people are feeling right now." That was a breakthrough for me. Especially since there is a side that really want to "please" her. Again, thank you for your words of wisdom. I will heed them.
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Peace comes from within. Do not seek it from without. Buddha
I wondered a lot about if my ex A 's behavior was because of alcoholism, because he didn't love me or because of his horrible upbringing or because of me even.
Then I finally realized it did not matter what the reason was unless he stopped drinking and really worked hard at recovery we would never know what was what in our lives.
He didn't want to do that so he did everything he could to make me think if I did this or that or the other thing it would be better- The only think that got better was when I finally got over him completely then my whole life got better!
Be careful, all alcoholics care about it how they can get what they want and still continue drinking. Lies and blaming and manipulation are just part of the package.
and very importantly let me say- no counselor, family member, pastor or even addictions counselor that has not lived what those of us in al anon has lived will be able to understand, and if they can not relate or understand how can they help you? Al anon was and is still the place I need to turn for direction, although I'm very involved in church- it's not a safe place to vent about the alcoholic, we sound like the problem often to them.
-- Edited by glad on Saturday 9th of May 2015 12:03:39 PM
Thanks for being so open and honest again. I relate to the need to fix and save and rescue a broken person with the big big sob story. Im sorry if i sound heartless but there is always the sob story. Its part of it. I learned everyones got a sad story of some sort. Not everyone uses it amd squeezes every last ounce of sympathy our of it like sick people do. Its part of the manipulation and i stopped listening to it when i got alanon. The bad childhood the poor thems was used to control and manipulate me and it worked for a long time.
When i learned what it was i could see it for what it was so i learned to say and mean, im sorry you feel that way or im sorry you feel upset over.... but i want to stay in a positive frame of mind and i dont want to talk about that just now. Done, end of. If they continue with the crap, because thats what it is then i left the room, meaning what i say and not being mean.
I took control of what i would listen to and what i wouldn't, never mean or nasty because i would have felt guilt about that. The results from this, protecting my own mind was self esteem, i began trusting myself, the power to control me slipped from the hands of sick people to me and i realised i was also sick but i was getting better. Noone will have my power like that again. I love myself too much, i know my worth, i know how to claim it and keep it. Your wifes taking her time moving out and keeps presenting you with opportunities to stand up for your self. I believe its our higher power giving us chance after chance to do the right thing. Allowing ourselves to be abused is not the right thing. Try reading the detachment leaflet. We dont suffer at the hands of anyone unless we choose to. You can choose not to.
