Ugh. Just when you think you've become perfect, lol!

I was talking to my grandmother on the phone and I mentioned that I have received really good grades so far for my classes this semester and I'm pleased.

Now a few weeks ago she asked me how school was going and I told her it was demanding but good and she said "honestly Melissa I don't know why you are bothering, why don't you just give up?" and I didn't respond but I suppose I was obviously hurt. She texted me shortly after to say "I was joking. Good luck with your assignments". I knew she wasn't joking but I dismissed it.

Well I thought I had forgotten about it but when I spoke to her earlier and reported, happily, that I was "plowing through it" she responded by sighing heavily and saying "what's the point, you're going to be an old woman by the time you finish it". 

Now I have an aunt, my grandmothers youngest, who is 48 (I am 38). She is also a single mother but chose to leave her husband for another man and says herself he never abused or behaved badly towards her, he was just "boring". I spent a lot of time with them growing up and he was and still is nice, a non-drinker, doesn't do any drugs and is generally very kind so it was a shock when she left him.  Its not my business to judge or worry about what my aunt does or doesn't do but she did get the big house, cars, assets etc and has not had to struggle in any way and recently went back to school and got a diploma and she has chosen to put herself first and make the life that she wants and it's good that she is successful and good for her. None of my business right?

But I have heard a lot of "poor her" from my grandmother over the years and from my mother and I have had to really struggle with the resentment because aunt is very unkind, judgemental and honestly quite cruel towards me and prior to our divorces (they occurred at the same time) we were very close friends and talked almost daily. When she left her husband and mine left me she became nasty and critical towards me and actually made a point of maintaining a friendship with my ex-husband which was a slap in the face because he treated us dreadfully and left me homeless and destitute with a baby; he took everything I had after contributing nothing financially or materially, it was terrible. So it was quite difficult to hear my mother and grandmother yap on and on about my poor aunt when her new boyfriend didn't take her away somewhere nice enough for their anniversary or spend enough on her birthday gift or...you know, really trivial stuff while I was really doing it tough with a baby and no money, my ex husband had even taken the freaking bed he hadn't paid for and I was sleeping ON THE FLOOR!!!!!  Anyway I thought I had worked my way through all of that resentment, I really truly did. I am always friendly to my aunt and speak kindly about her to other family members although she's extremely bitchy to me. Be the bigger person right?

 So anyway this was all my own doing; when my grandmother said my degree is pointless and I will be an old lady by the time I finish I said "but (Aunt) is 10 years older than me and just finished her diploma and you told me how proud you are of her. Why isn't she too old?" and my grandmother said "(aunt) has worked hard and struggled (she worked part time for the last couple of years; her kids are 17 and 20). I said "how does that make any difference to whether her degree is worthwhile?" And she got angry and aid "Of course it makes a difference Melissa, she's worked very hard and she deserves success". (ie I don't).

And out it came, ridiculous baby words from me "Oh well we all know aunt is MUCH better than me don't we" and she said a very sarcastic good night and hung up. 

Now I had planned to go there this Sunday (Mothers Day) which is a very long journey, and it will just be my mother, my grandmother, my daughter and my delightful aunt. I did this on Easter Sunday and she was vile to me; this time there will be no other family present. I had thought who cares, it will be nice to see my Grandmother but given our last few conversations it probably won't be very nice actually. 

So maybe it would be better to not go, and what's up with me still seeking approval from someone I KNOW isn't going to give it??? And then getting angry and childish about it??

Ugh.

Anyone got any good reading suggestions for dealing with resentments? It's funny, I didnt feel one way or the other about any of these people for so many years; everything was just directed at or all about AB and now it's al starting to come to the surface, rage at my ex-husband and his wife, bitterness towards family members who treated me badly when things were hard....how did I even manage to get by with all of this crap stuffed inside me?

Ugh!!!

In other news I really have recieved good grades so far and I feel fantastic about it; I am gaining momentum and achieving more in the last year than I did in the last 10 years or more.  

In other, other news A has started doing a course; quite a brave move as he struggles with reading and writing and I was surprised and pleased for him. Who knows how it will turn out but he seems quite motivated and excited and it's nice to see him doing something for himself like that. I must admit when he told me about it and he told me how nice everyone in the class is, my immediate thought was to feel embarrassed for him because I am imagining in advance the day he turns up blind drunk, raves on and on throughout the class and is thrown out. I felt the weirdest urge to protect him from this imagined scenario somehow. Nutty huh? 

Anyway, babble over and thanks for listening. Thoughts on dealing with a resentment attack welcome!!!!