The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this. I am getting ready to marry the man i love. He is an alcoholic. I knew this from the start and about his past. I know he has gotten help before and then started drinking again. He has never hit me or been verbaly abusive. I came home one day and he had been drinking after getting some bad news not that is an excuse. When i noticed this i took his keys and left the house. I got in my car and he came out and got mad a me for taking the keys. He hit my window as i was trying to leave. I had his dad come and get him. When my family found out they got very upset. They had me file a restaining order on him to keep me safe. He is know in rehab. I am happy about that. He choose that on his own as i am not allowed to talk to him. I still want to be with him but my family and friends say i am making the wrong choice. They say they love me and just want the best for me and i am not thinking clearly. i need an outside view. I am so confussed by everything they are saying and what is in my heart.
One Irish girl to another, I wish I knew before I was married that my husband was an alcoholic. We had a long distance relationship, and because of that, he was able to hide his alcoholism. Then he limited himself for the first two years. In the last 2 years his drinking has grown far more advanced. This is an insidious disease that will progress to insanity, institutionalization, or death, if he doesn't seek treatment. Personally I would have run like my butt was on fire had I known before we were wed. Try Al Anon meetings and the program and see what you think. Everyone's decision is unique to them, and al anon doesn't judge those decisions. Best wishes to you!
You've received the most experienced suggestion from another member who even has Irish in her name. Read her share with a wide open mind and you will find help. The suggest about attending Al-Anon and listening to so many others who have been where you are at now will give you a look into your future should you decide to go thru with your marriage decision which is what I did even when at the time everything within me suggested I didn't want to and should not. I married the alcoholic/addict I was dating and in 3 years and 8 month everything I took into that marriage including eh marriage was gone; not only the material things and financial things but the spiritual aspects of life were gone also. Alcoholism is a cunning, powerful and baffling disease...it isn't only about drinking it is about drinking mind and mood altering chemicals...the person I loved, or thought I loved wasn't the person I imagined was there. I learned later that there were two women in my life and I had to learn which one was present at any one time...my wife or my alcoholic/addict. It was maddening and I was never on top of who was present until I got into recovery in Al-Anon and then often not completely right on. That is my share for you. You will do as I did what you feel urged to do. Please be urged to attend our face to face Family (its a family disease) groups before making a more serious decision. Keep coming back as there are more members here that will want to share their ESH with you also. In support. ((((hugs))))
Welcome Irish. I'm glad your alcoholic has never hit you ( that's good ) but he seems to be hitting your window near your face area ( that's bad! ). His parents, family and friends may know something you do not. He may be holding the crazy in or the violence in or whatever his issue is when he's raging smashed around you. I wonder what his history reveals. And I wonder why you are ok with chaining yourself to a very ill, very broken and possibly violent man? Forever is a long long LONG time. It brings endless hurt and heartache to the kids of a alcoholic relationship also.
You've been given a tremendous gift here. :) USE this time you have! He's in rehab - you can work your program now too. You can try to understand why you're attracted to a person who is so ill. You can see your part in this illness and work on your own healing. He's trying to heal... you can too.
I hope you can read these words and know they are meant to be spoken with encouragement and a gentle spirit.... I've been where you are, I am happy you're here and I know that there is healing in this program.
What great insight Jenny! Violence only escalates- THIS time it was the window, next time? Please take this time to discover more about him and about you and your motivations. Willingly getting involved in a relationship with an alcoholic means a long time of hardship and drama and yes, even violence and this may only be the first of restraining orders for you. The saying is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and it appears that your guy has a history of lapsing.
This program will help you if you let it but you have to have an open and honest attitude. Going to meetings, listening and learning well might help you avoid a lifetime of regret. Rushing into a legal marriage makes it much harder to disentangle from an alcoholic.
I clearly remember my son when he was first with his GF......life was good. As my son's drinking got worse ( progressive disease ) he because more and more unable to control his feelings and anger about himself and he took it out on his GF. I felt so bad for his GF and was relieved when she left him. She had a daughter that was right in the middle and that was so hard to sit back and watch that little girl go though the fighting.
Visit a Al-anon meeting and get some education on Alcoholism. Find out what our part is in taking care of ourselves while detaching with love.
Take care and keep coming back
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I was you. October 2012 I married a man who I knew to be an alcoholic. He was not always a happy drunk but I thought we could manage.
I didn't go to Al-anon. Had I started Al-anon then who knows what would have happened.
I love my husband. Madly and deeply. but he's an alcoholic. And he gets angry. And it got Worse and Worse and worse...
and it went from drunken phone calls
to him screaming at me.
to him shoving me
to him hitting me
to him trying to kill me in a drunken psychotic rage that sadly he does not even remember.
That was my bottom line. I set my boundary then and there. He is sober 120 days today. A mere drop in the bucket and I work VERY hard to not "pay the toll twice" and WORRY about WHEN he slips. I can't even afford the luxury of IF he slips.... no... this disease is so horrible and so all encompassing that it's pretty hard to give it up.
I have empathy and sympathy for my husband and I have told him that as long as he is NOT drinking AND he is ACTIVELY working his program I'm fine with us being together.
When he first went to rehab he went for me... I would NOT take that from him and explained he had the choice to go or not go but that if he was drinking I was not going to be with him any longer. This is his choice.
I can't control him
I did not cause it
I cannot cure it.
However if I do not go to Al-anon and work my own program I can contribute to it. I choose not to do so.
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-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
thanks for your stories. I have read them and thought about what you all have said. I still have not been able to talk to him but i do know from his mom that he is out of rehab and is starting and IOP program tomarrow. I'm happy that he is doing all of this for himself and not anyone else. My family is not making it ease for me to do any thinking. They are trowing out all of the stops including calling my doctor and telling her what has been going on which is not ok.
