The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So I really want to change my actions and my thinking when it comes to my AH and our family...I'm planning to go through all of the steps and to attend meetings (as soon as I find my nerve), but in the meantime, I need something to give me strength for where I am right now.
So his family has known he's gone thru an outpatient rehab program and all that led up to that and they ask me constantly how it is going and how he is doing. Well, he relapsed this weekend pretty significantly, he says he is back on track now and that he needed that relapse to see how serious the problem really is (manipulation??).
He doesn't want to tell and doesn't want me to tell his family about the relapse....I told him I will not lie about it. But he says I only should say that he has now realized he can't control it. Then he says "but say whatever you want" but then follows that with saying "he just can't handle their disappointment and that he feels it would really "set him back" if they knew the details.
So now I feel like I'm here sitting with this secret again....and I'm hating it. I just want to make the best decisions....I want to do whatever I need to do to be a positive support while not being walked on.
It's times like these, when there is indecision that I find strength focusing on my HP. It's also important to know your personal boundaries, what is and isn't acceptable responses based on what you believe.
You're in that part of the disease that takes us hostage...the you know and don't tell is a great part of the insanity we speak of in our relationship with in the disease. This is where the face to face home group and the fellowship was so important for me because the membership knew and has so much experience with doing helpful healing behaviors. Sponsorship was so supportive for me and taught me how to allow my alcoholic/addict wife to be responsible for her drinking and using and also for her sobriety. To learn how to give her the dignity for the consequences of her choices was such a different way of thinking about being supportive. Working for my own peace of mind and serenity and being responsible for that was my job...really. I learned I was playing a part in it all and how to make best choices. Keeping her secrets was part of the enabling behaviors which made it worse for me. I wasn't a squealer or a broadcaster and neither was I a hoarder of misery. Besides I learned that most family members and friends could tell just by reading my body language which communicates better than my mouth. Keep coming back Here often. ((((hugs))))
Hi butterfly, I really embraced the powerful principles and tools that I was given an Al-Anon after attending for a while I could see , that many of my attitudes were destructive to both myself and my friends, and I found a new way to keep the focus on myself, take care of myself, and allow others the dignity to take care of themselves.
I also found found the best positive support that I can give to my alcoholic or nonalcoholic friends, is to treat them with courtesy and respect, keep the focus on myself, honor their confidences, share my own feelings and thoughts. If I'm asked about another person's thoughts, feelings, actions, I simply say I'm not at liberty to discuss it. I suggest you talk to them.
I do hope you continue sharing here in reaching out there is hope.
Hi Butterfly.
I struggled with this too for a long time and felt as if I was not only being asked to report on my A's behaviour, state of mind and all manner of things that weren't mine to report on, but also that people seemed to hold me responsible to a large extent for whatever I reported and I would end up justifying and explaining on his behalf....madness!
I began to respond to all questions of that nature with, as Betty said, "It's not my place to say. You would have to ask him yourself" or, in the case of my own family I would say "I am not going to discuss his behaviour anymore, I need to focus on me". It did not go well a first as people tend to try to force you back into your familiar role but if you are persistent and calmly repetitive they DO get the message and stop asking after a while. This was a really useful exercise for me as some people stopped speaking to me at all when i stopped reporting on his behaviour/health/whatever and it was clear those people were not interested in me as an individual at all and it was great to know that and stop wasting effort trying to know them. Other people got the message after a while and still made the effort to talk to me, but about other things...and these much more valuable relationships are a lot better now that the conversations are never about A or what he is doing.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great post and responses! I learned here that I no longer had to be the liason between family members. They would need to go to the source if they wanted information. I'm responsible for me and my choices and others are responsible for theirs. This takes us out of the role we used to play and removes us from disfunctional family entanglements.
I recently had this happen to me. My x wife was arrested for DWI. Her name was in the local paper. Through social media it got back to my teenage kids. They came to me asking questions. I told them all I knew was what was in the paper and they would need to direct their questions to her for more details. I'm glad I wasn't in that house that night.
