The material presented
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I am a new member. I am having a difficult time with balancing "being a goood daughter" and setting boundaries. I have been living with this issue my entire life, I guess I'm tired (46 yrs). I have always been the adult. I recently found out that my mom started drinking again. I really want to separate myself from her, the lies, the manipulation, the blame. This time is harder for me. Both of my children are adults, they see the truth now, I can't protect them from her illness, like I have when they were children. What makes it seem worse, she was taking care of my grand daughter, her great grand daughter. My daughter put an end to that, and of course, my mom blames me. I understand it is an illness, but right now, I am very angry! Is it wrong to distance myself from her until I feel better able to control that anger? Am I a bad daughter for not wanting to talk to her? I'm so confused!!!
Welcome GAH, glad that you found us and had the courage to reach out. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which we are powerless. I am sorry to read that your mother has relapsed and would like to suggest that you search out Al-Anon face-to-face meetings in your community and attend. We who live with the problem of alcoholism have developed many destructive (to our own mental health and well-being )coping mechanisms in order to live with the disease. Because we are focused on the alcoholic we do lose , ourselves and the ability to make healthy choices for our lives.
It is perfectly reasonable and necessary for you to take care of yourself first. Just is on an airplane it is suggested that you adjust your face mask first before you take care of your children. That is what Al-Anon also promotes. We need to learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy fashion, before we can be supportive and caring of others.
I found that making my needs invisible living in denial and pretend worked for a time and then stopped. I was then filled with anger and resentment and had difficulty making decisions.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings and individual members guided me to a better way of life. Living one day at a time, focused on myself and my needs, not projecting to the future or living in the past, treating everyone with courtesy and respect, and trusting a power greater than myself all gave me the courage, serenity and wisdom to live my life on life's terms.
I urge you to keep coming back here and search out those meetings
I just wanted to welcome you. You've been given some great suggestions concerning Alanon so I don't have much to add concerning that except that I've found that the fellowship in our program really has helped me feel less alone and able to deal better with day to day craziness.
You're a smart person for knowing you need time to yourself in order to check your anger and deal with it in a mature way. It's exhausting being the caretaker of another person. I hope you'll keep coming back for recovery with us and will find answers that work for your life. Choosing to take time for you by separating yourself from your mother for the sake of your own sanity is honoring and valuing your own well-being. You have a right to self care and happiness. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You honestly have nailed it on the head right there with everything you have just said, I am honestly feeling the same way as you, except I am 23 so I have not been dealing with this as long as you have. You must be so tired from the situation that I believe would be a never ending cycle. From my experience, I have found it utterly impossible to reason with an alcoholic that does not want to help themselves. I too, understand it is a disease, however the anger is built because we are the ones that have to deal with the situation. Stone cold sober. We do not forget what was said, and even though we supress it to be a "good understanding daughter" it seems to unwilling build this internal resentment. Sometimes I just wish I could shake it out of my mother, stop the lies, manipulation and drama and show her how amazing life can honestly be if she wanted it to be.
Coming from this situation, I do not think you are a bad daughter at all, I think that you are emotionally fatigued from everything you have experienced and you need to now concentrate on you.
Last night, I had a conversation with my mother that made me feel exactly the same way. I hung up the phone thinking, am I a bad daughter? Like you, I don't have the answers but I feel that being in this group may be the best support we get, with people who can understand us as we begin to work through things and move forward into forgiveness. Even if your mother does not stop drinking, it will give you a sense of peace.
Welcome JAH,
Thank you for sharing. In all my years dealing with my mom, I have never been this angry. I really thought I was good. However this last slip, has stirred up feeling from my childhood. That hasn't happened in the past. I was the one who made sure my younger sisters were taken care of when things got bad. I am still the one they call when they need "a mom". I try to remember all the good things she did as a mom! Our house looked like a magazine, my sisters and I alway looked fresh and perfect. What mattered most to her, was keeping up appearances. But I can't remember her sitting down and playing with us, caring about what we cared about, allowing us to relax and have fun. I, as a mom, tried to be as different as possible from my own mother. My children are now 28 and 24. They are both wonderful children. I have 4 beautiful grandchildren. My daughter has two step children, one birth child, and one on the way. My son has one child and one on the way. I have been married for 29 yrs. to a wonderful man! My life is and has been very blessed. Last year my husband quit his job, we choose to downsize, move to the country, and live a simple life. We dreamed of this our whole lives. We travel quite often, going on trips at least once a month. This is what we planned, we saved our money, we don't owe any money. We are debt-free, job-free, and small-child free. We are only in our mid-40s. I first met him when we were 5!
I want so badly for my mom to allow herself to be happy! Everything with her is negative. She can't or won't see the good in anything. She wants me to stay with her and take care of her. She is only 66 years old. She acts like she's 110. She plays the helpless old lady act. Calling on us to do things for her. However, when she started drinking again she had no problem getting to the liquor store to buy her alcohol. She has alway guilted us (my sisters, my children) into taking on her issues as our own. I hate that she is doing this to my children. I have never done that to them, they have always been free to make their own paths in life. Now I see my daughter being dragged down into my mom's drama. I have been to therapy, and in and out of meeting for a while. I know I can't fix my mom!
My daughter thinks she can fix my mom. That makes me angry, I know I can't work my mom's program. I also know my daughter now needs a program. I realize I can't work her program either. I don't want to see her go through all the pain I have gone through in dealing with an alcoholic family member. I tried to protect her, I didn't bring my children to see my mom in "bad times", we alway lived in different states, it was easy to stay away when we felt it was best. My daughter thinks she can help fix this. I need to help teach her the tools she needs to deal with this. It hurts, I know my mom is sick, but I am angry because my daughter is innocent! Now my mom's illness is creeping into my daughters life!!!!
I need this group! You all help me find the strength inside me!!! We live far out in the country. The nearest meetings are an hours drive away, the closest meeting is only once a week. I came to this bored to get a daily dose. Thank you all for being here.
I don't have experience with this, but my recovering alcoholic wife does. Same experiences, she grew up having to take care of her younger brother because mom was constantly in absentia. My wife decided not to go away to college to help take care of her mom. That has been a decision that has haunted her for the rest of her life.
When my wife worries about whether she is being a bad daughter, she reminds herself of the opposite question - is her mom being a bad mom? When her mom is being unreasonable, I think she is perfectly justified in being a "bad daughter" because it's up to her mom as the parent to start the "good" cycle. If that doesn't happen, and she treats my wife poorly, then my wife detaches (which kills her, she really hates it) for her own good. And the good of the family that she is now in charge of.
