The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I really need advice. I am turning to al-anon because I find no one understands the situation I am in and it is so easy for them to say to cut my losses and leave. I am in love with a man who has an alcohol problem. When we first met we both used to drink together all the time and at first it was fun but then it turned destructive and volatile. He would call me terrible names (retarded, wh*re, unattractive, I should kill myself, etc.) throw my things in my home, and kicked a hole in my wall. I kept forgiving him because he is the most wonderful and nice man sober and I saw how terrible he felt the next day and decided he was definitely in more pain than I and that I should forgive him because I saw how badly he felt. But when he finally got physical with me one night I ended things. I went on and continued to drink and even more often than before because I was so broken hearted and angry. I hit my rock bottom and he was there for me and helped me through and get away from a bad crowd which was dragging me down. He was so supportive and seemed so healthy himself that I decided to give him another chance. Shortly after I moved out of province, I go visit every month and we text/skype everyday. it is 9 months later and I find out that the reason he never wants to skype with me on the weekends anymore is because he has been hiding the fact that he has been out drinking again. He has been lying and withholding many things and it is so hard for me to trust him and there is nothing I can do because I am out of province. The more I try and put into question whether he really thinks this is ok he deflects any way he can and I go away feeling like a crazy control freak. The last time I visited it was for a week and there was absolutely no intimacy and I got the sense he was relieved when I left. I feel like things are falling apart and I don't know whether to stay or leave.. I feel I owe it to stick by him since he was there for me and I am in love with the person he is when he is healthy and sober. But when the weekend rolls around now I am absolutely stricken with worry, dread and anger. The reason I worry so much is because when we drank together I would see how belligerent he would get with others and I would be genuinely afraid he was going to get beat up. I've also seen him try to walk into oncoming traffic and yell for the cars to stop and if I hadn't of been there to drag him away I don't know what would of happened. Another incident he was vandalizing other's property. His personality does a complete 180 when he drinks and it makes me very confused and if he really thinks the horrible things he would say to me while intoxicated deep down. I have trouble relating to this because when I was overdrinking I got super nice and happy or overemotional. I don't know where all his anger is coming from and if he secretly does not like me and is just dependent on me at this point as he has lost many friends due to his drinking . I'm also afraid I am being selfish and prolonging his illness by tolerating it. We have been through so much already together and I don't want all the work I have put into the relationship to go to waste or perhaps go to the next girl who comes along if I leave. I have never put so much of an effort into a relationship in my life because I want it to work out so badly and I truly feel he is the one for me. Any advice, experiences or comments would be much appreciated!
By the way I have brought up AA before but he sees it as being weak and he believes he can "control" his drinking. I have seen him just limit himself to a few drinks before but the majority of the time he will drink everything in the home and then go out to the bars and drink there until the bars close, and then if he can find an after party and drink there.
My friends and family also did, not understand in all anon we do not give advice . On whether to stay or, leave. We all love alcoholics wecan share what we have, learnt about this, illness a d how we are recovering from the way it has impacted. Your partner will go to AA when he, is ready You can access all anon in your . Local area you will find so much love and support.
Good on you for reaching out keep coming back hugs Tracy
Bc...welcome to the board and sad with you that you are caught up in the web of alcoholism. I relate to your post...I've been there and done that also. I wanted "normal" when I was married to my alcoholic/addict not knowing anything about alcoholism...I didn't even know that I didn't know. It drove me to insanity and a near suicide attempt which ended up with me finding the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups where I lived. I did completely insane things expecting results which could never come from them. I wanted to "teach" my alcoholic/addict wife how to drink not realizing that she wanted most to be able to drink like me which would have made things so much worse. Alcoholism is a fatal disease...it can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence and if not arrested progressively gets worse terminating in insanity (where you are at now) and death You're old enough to know of others who have died from booze. I almost did myself 3xs. You might want to also go to open AA meetings yourself along with open Al-Anon meetings.
Try reading your intro post as if you were someone else an impartial person and friend and see what conclusion you come up with about what you are putting yourself thru. I use to suggest looking at how a person describe how they thought the situation was as to how they described the reality of it such as "Such and such is a great person when not drinking or using and drinks and uses daily and when they use they lie, cheat, steal use infidelity and abuse me verbally and physically and emotionally.
I use to think that my alcoholic/addict would come to see me as a person worth changing to sobriety for and I didn't understand the disease and how much control it really had on both of us.
Stick around MIP and please go find out where the programs of Al-Anon and AA are so you can come to understand this cunning, powerful and baffling life threatening disease. (((((hugs)))))
Welcome BC, it certainly does sound as if you are caught up in the insanity of the disease of alcoholism. Alcoholism is a chronic, progressive, fatal disease over which were powerless. Living with this disease causes us to become adversely affected and we need a program of recovery of our own. AA is the recovery program for alcoholics and thank goodness, Al-Anon is the recovery program for family members who have attempted to live with and cope with the insanity. Face-to-face meetings are held in most communities and the hotline number can be found in the white pages
In Al-Anon I learned that I did not cause this disease, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it. The best that I can do is learn how to take care of myself in a healthy fashion so that I am not completely destroyed.
Living one day at a time, attending face-to-face meetings, getting a sponsor, working the steps, reading Al-Anon literature, all helped me to regain my self-esteem and self-worth. With this restoration I was able to make positive choices for my life.
Hi bc, so glad that you posted. Alcoholism is a cunning, baffling and powerful disease in which we have no control over. It took me awhile to understand powerlessness myself, and through coming to Al-Anon meetings for the last ten months I am very slowly understanding what it means to focus on myself and not the other person. Alcoholic behavior is diseased behavior, and through working the steps for myself I am just starting to see how much it directly impacted me and the choices I make.
Glad you have joined us. Please keep coming back and as was said before, we in Al-Anon don't give advice. We share our experience, strength and hope which basically means each person will tell you what works for them and what does not. You are free to take what you like and leave the rest, this program is for you to utilize at your own pace. We are here for you, and understand what you are going through.
You don't owe him anything. You owe yourself peace, tranquility, and serenity. Please check out alanon meetings..face to face meetings if possible. I am concerned for you.
