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I just need to get this out there. It's been so long of up and down. I know my story is probably not as severe as others, but to me...it is an endless cycle that seems to be stealing everything I am away from me.
I have been married to my husband for 14 years. When he isn't drinking and when he isn't depressed about not drinking, he is a good man. I suppose I should say he is a good man all of the time but lately I just don't know anymore. We have six children. Our youngest are 8 mos old twins. He has always had a drinking problem, he has always fallen in to some kind of weird alter ego when he drinks too much...becomes a different person, says and does things he would never do.
In the last five years, that has involved other women. Texting them, calling them and finally...with one woman, sleeping with her. When my fourth child was exactly 2 weeks old, he slept with her. When my twins were 4 weeks old, he did it again. And I'm sure times in between. But always after drinking....only after drinking, he says.
I don't even know where to start. He doesn't drink everyday, he doesn't always get drunk. But when he does, I don't even know him. He drives drunk, he says horrible things, he obsesses about strange things and repeats himself and says my name over and over and over for hours trying to get me to talk to him about something that doesn't make any sense....for hours, until he finally passes out. He calls other women and I can hear him talking downstairs, tells her he loves her, that he's leaving me, that he wants to be with her. Falls down, wrestles with the kids and they think he's funny but he's really just wasted. Then he gets mad at them and they don't understand why because he was just having fun the minute before.On trips to Vegas, he would leave me alone and not come home until 5 am.
When he is drunk, he looks vacant. His eyes aren't there when he's drunk. He will scream out swearing in the kitchen while raiding the fridge in the night....just scream swear words....for no reason. I'll beg him to go to bad and he will laugh and slur and give me that vacant look.
So many "I promise" I'll never do it again, this time is different, this time I'm really going to change...this time I'm being honest with myself and I know I have a problem. "Thank you for standing by me" "What would I do without you" "I hate myself" "How can you love me" "This is going to change"....i would feel hopeful. Weeks would pass, maybe months....I would just start to think maybe this is it...maybe things will be better now. Then I'd get a text that he was golfing and with just the words he chose I could tell he was drunk and the cycle would start again.
Finally, I told his parents and his sister. We got him to start a 12 week program. Once a week and then group on the weekends...I thought it was going to be okay. About 6 weeks in though he started talking about how he had it all figured out, how he knew he was going to be able to control it now. That if I had a problem with him having a glass of wine with dinner after he was done with the program that we were going to "have a real problem". He started grooming me with how, when, how often he was going to drink. Just one with dinner. Just one while he grilled. Just one....maybe two. Okay maybe three but never more. "I know I can control this"
He finished his program. He went on a business trip and got drunk. He promised that was just him testing his limits. It wouldn't happen again. Then a few weeks later I took my daughter to a play...my son texted me during the play "mom, dad's drunk" and my heart fell to the floor. I left as soon as I could and drove home....he was drunk, not "terrible" but drunk for sure. Some people may not have been able to tell...but I could tell. And the scariest part? I was able to figure out how much he had drank (and yet he didn't seem completely wasted)....18 beers. 18 beers while he watched our other children. 18 beers and wasn't falling down drunk. I wanted to die.
The next day, he drank again. He called the woman again. He did all the horrible things my drunk husband does.
The day after that (yesterday) he says he's ready to admit he is an alcholohic (has said that before but then changed his mind). Says he's ready say he can never drink again (heard it before) But he doesn't want me to tell his family about what happened (red flag) and he doesn't want to tell them anything (red flag) and he knows he can do this with just my help (red flag).
And so here I am. Stuck in this cycle. And I feel like I'm dying inside.
Hi Butterfly.
That sounds like a lot, and I imagine you must feel pretty conflicted to have had him cause you so much pain and then expect that you will be his life-support and secret keeper yet again while he goes for another ride on the merry-go-round.
But it sounds like you know you can't change him or force him to recover. So that leaves you. How can you stop the cycle for yourself?
Connecting with other people in al-anon is a really great way to start. So many of us have felt trapped in a similar cycle and can relate; I know I sure can. Just talking about it here, in face to face meetings or even online meetings here can start to hep you gain some clarity and start creating a better path for yourself.
Another thing people sometimes suggest here is to read your own story as if it were written by someone else, someone you care about. Re-read your own story here and pretend it was written by someone you care about very much. What would you say to her?
Big hugs anyway. You are not alone.
(((Butterfly)))
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Aloha Butterfly and welcome to the board. Since my wife and I, both members of the Al-Anon Family Groups sat and had lunch with my daughter-in-law yesterday listening to her story about life with my alcoholic/addict eldest son and mentioning much about it as you have your own I'd say you are also a qualified Al-Anon and MIP member. You have come to the right place. Miss Melliss already gave you a great suggestion which also worked for me...read and get to know your own story...keep it real. Alcoholism alters everyone and everything it comes into contact with. I've heard it said and have experienced it myself that the chemical can and will make an absolutely good person do absolutely unacceptable things under the influence. Lying, Cheating and stealing are only some of those things that they do under the influence. I got into Al-Anon because of what it made me do in reaction which was also very unacceptable. Some of the good things I thought and did because of the disease in my family made the situation worse while I was praying to make things better. The disease is cunning, powerful and baffling and it is fatal also if not arrested by total abstinence. Your husband doesn't want to be alcoholic...he would like to drinking without trouble and he doesn't know how. He isn't in control...18 beers in succession isn't even rational considering how many ounces of alcohol that amounts to...His body will express the allergy to the chemical and you watch it thru his behaviors. Alcoholism is expressed as a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body...I get the picture reading your post and remembering my own life in the disease. I was born and raised in it and I am also a recovering alcoholic myself. I would suggest that you get as much education on the disease of alcoholism as you can. Caring for as many children as you have would make online meetings and the internet sites on alcoholism more available. Keep coming back here. In support ((((hugs))))
Wow 6 childrenand an alcoholic partner that's postcode someone to bare.
I am glad you are reaching , out for support people in all anon understand what it . Is, like to live with this crazy illness. My partnersbehaviour was also very unacceptable when he drank. In all anon I learnt he was ill but I also learnt how to love and . Protect myself and the . Kids. You can not stop him drinking buy changed attitudes can aid his recovery and yours.
Keep coming back andif you do have someone who can mind your . Kids for an hour, or two access your . Local all anonmeeting
Thank you all, so much, for taking time to read and respond.
What a good idea to read my story as someone else---puts it in a whole different perspective for sure. I wonder why it is so hard to see it while you are in it....as I have told more people, friends and family about the challenges we have had, they are completely shocked and that has helped me to realize how unhealthy it all is. I should know that and you are right, if this was anyone else's story I would hurt for them--I just have been in denial as to how bad things have gotten and frankly, I'm just afraid. But telling people also makes me feel exposed and weak and pitied. It makes me feel like the "drama couple" and makes me feel lonely. As painful and unrealistic as it was to deal with it all alone, at least I felt somewhat normal every now and then when I was with friends and family. Now that they all know, I feel like a pain, like a thorn....I feel abnormal and unrelateable.
I can't raise six children on my own and work full time--and I don't want to. From our kids perspective, he is an amazing father and there isn't really anything wrong with our family, but as they get older its been harder and harder to hide and protect them from seeing that side of him. They just think dad is acting weird. And I feel so angry. I didn't sign up for this. I just want a happy life, I want my children to be happy and safe. I just want consistency and someone I can count on. And I want that someone to be him and my disappointment and anger with myself for letting it get this far is crushing.
I'm struggling so much with friendships---we have lost so many friends related to his drinking, so many friends have just become fed up---fed up with how he has treated me and the things he has done. We have stopped being invited to do things...and sometimes I'm afraid to go do things on my own on Friday and Saturday (when he usually has his issues) because I don't want to expose the children to him drinking if he decides to do it. My friends have stopped reaching out and they say I'm pulling away---I probably am, but I don't need to hear about how they think I should leave. He is my husband and 75% of the time, he is my partner. Perhaps I'm naive. Perhaps I'm allowing him to walk all over me. I don't even know anymore. I am stronger than this I know...I am strong in all things, except this. I'm just at a loss on how to handle it. No amount of reading and research seems to be doing the trick....and I have enough self help marriage books to start my own library.
Today he's saying he is done drinking. I have told him that I cannot be his only support, he cannot do this on his own. He says he knows. And so I guess today I will allow myself to be hopeful.
What are your thoughts on what I share with friends and family and what I don't? I will do whatever it takes to do the right thing through this process. I will try to go to an Alanon meeting though I just am terrified....why, I don't know.
-- Edited by butterfly88 on Monday 4th of May 2015 03:08:40 PM
You mentioned that you don't want to be the "drama couple" with your friends, and you are becoming isolated. If you go to an Al Anon meeting, you will discovere that you just got new friends, and ones that you won't seem like the "drama couple" We've all been the drama couple, and know exactly where you are coming from. There is a reason Al Anon groups are called "family groups", it's because there everyone is like family, they all understand what you are going through because we have all been through something very much like it as well. And we understand those things *better* than the family (and friends) of origin!
It is a scary thing to go to an Al Anon meeting the first time, but well worth it. for me, it was like standing on a diving board and not knowing if, when you dived the water would be freezing cold, or warm and inviting. I found warm and inviting once I got up the nerve to do it.
Come to some Al Anon meeting,s and you will start to get a sense of the answer to your last question. We can't answer it for you. I got to a point where I thought a secret is a secret, and there are no good secrets. But after awhile of Al Anon, I was able to distinguish between secrets and appropriateness for someone to know, and appropriateness to be told be my wife, not by me, because it is her story to tell.
butterfly, he needs the support of others in order to recover from the devastating oeffects of his disease. We who live with the disease also need the support of members who have walked in our shoes . Friends and family cannot understand as they are human and feel they must judge and give advise. You can share your heart out at a meeting or after to one member and be heard without judgment or advise .
Alanon face to face meetings have people who are facing the reality of alcoholism and are attempting, one day at a time to recover. You do not have to speak at a meeting, In fact I did not speak for over a year but i attended several meetings a week. I obtained literature, and listened to learn It is a powerful program
I cried when I went to my first face to face meeting. In many ways it was such a relief, but oh so hard. I kept a lot of my personal problems to myself but I had to let other people in also. It was hard but healthier. I think when you know you are not alone you can do it. Some days it is one day at a time and other days it is one minute at a time. This is an exceptional site. Please keep coming back. Take care.
I have grown up in a alcoholic home and ended up with my husband abusing hydrocodone. Fortunately, he went into treatment because in part he knew I have no tolerance left to live the life or anything similar to what I had growing up. I am dealing with my own issues of anger and resentment because he knew how I felt about all this before we married. What I resent most is that my kids have now experienced exactly what I never wanted them to. Granted, it's not as bad as what I grew up with as there was a lot of violence and regular periods of drunkeness. My dad went on binges and would have a few beers at home but not regularly "drunk" at home. All different shades of dysfunction and illness in addictions.
Your fearfulness is completely understandable and valid. It's tough raising 6 children. Don't beat yourself up it is hard to admit what is happening sometimes especially when it is erratic and of course you want to have hope and belief. Your husband probably truly feels bad when things happen but he is sick and he can't see the forest from the trees. Do what is best for you and your kids. I would highly recommend attending or finding a meeting in your area if you are able that is a beginners meeting. These meetings allow you to not be as overwhelmed by a large group meeting and allows you to speak about yourself, your hubby, whatever your story is ... They recommend attending 6 meetings in total before you make any decisions about meetings. There are some meetings that offer babysitting but it is challenging sometimes to find those meetings. Family and friends are well meaning but they do not know what you are really living unless they too have lived in a home with a alcoholic or addict. Even if we haven't had the exact circumstance we have had enough in common that an alanon group can comprehend what it is like to be in your shoes. I will tell you if your first group doesn't work try another. I went to a few different ones until I found what I felt worked for me. Although, all groups follow similar standards each meeting has it's own "feel"/"personality". Your kids are lucky that you are reaching out and trying to help things to get better because this is affecting you, your husband and all of them. I wish you well and hope you find the help you seek.
Oh my goodness, your story is just like mine. I can tell you right now that you are NOT alone. I am very new to this too (just joined a couple days ago) and I was scared too. Almost everything you said was exactly like me.
The part that really got me was the "vacant stare" and trying to protect him from the kids knowing (which for me was more about protecting HIM from them knowing about him.) As yours seem to be doing, his 16yo daughter (my step daughter) got too old to fall for the rouse and now knows that her dad is a drunk. It got to the point where I could no longer explain away his behavior.
He also repeats my name over and over again in this creepy whisper. I try so hard to pretend to be asleep, but he is so persistent that he starts physically trying to wake me. The vacant stare, and the trying to engage me in talking (which is just him putting me down and trying to pick fights) for HOURS. I am always asking myself why can't he just pass out? But he doesn't. It's like he's not tired at all when he's drunk.
Our friends have also all abandoned us, too. No one can stand to be around him when he's drinking and he will not stop. Even my non-mutual female friends want nothing of coming to my home when they know he will be there.
I went to my first meeting last Tuesday, and I will tell you what it was like. People welcomed me so warmly and I had to fight the tears back as I finally found some place I wasn't alone. I did not have to speak or share or do anything, I just sat and listened. walking through the door is the first step. I can fully trust that the people at your local meeting will be just as warm and eager to make you feel comfortable as the people at mine were. no body made me feel weird or anything, just told me "My name is **** and I am glad you are here." And several ladies made sure I had plently of literature to read, and their phone numbers in case I needed to call anyone.
I am going back tomorrow morning.
You do not have to worry around anyone here or at a meeting that you sound like a drama couple, or that your story "isn't as bad as" others. No one is going to judge you at all or tell you that you should only be here if you have worse stuff happening to you. I am quickly learning that this is a group of people with a very similar understanding.
As far as what to tell family members and friends, that has to be so different depending on what your family and friends are like. I can only tell you what I did in my experience and what has happened so far. I made the decision to only tell my three closest friends. I kept my parents in the dark for YEARS under the hope that when he finally got "normal" then everything would be great and they would never know it hadn't been paradise. I have recently changed this and told my parents. They said that they could tell he was abusive for years and that they knew I was strong and wanted to stay with him. They were not aware, however, that there had been any physical abuse. Now of course they want me to leave. I am lucky in that they would never force the issue with me and they respect my need to wait until the right time if I ever do it at all.
Now if I decide to stay I will have to live with the fact that they know he hurt me in the past. But I am a big girl and I will handle that if need be.
Thank you for sharing that with me....It makes me feel connected to know that I'm not alone and hearing a story like our story, my story, makes me realize that we aren't so strange after all. It sounds like you and I have found the right place. I listened to the "first step" this morning on a teleconference meeting and just found myself crying and crying....realizing how hard I have been fighting this battle and how hard I have been trying to use sheer force and will to make him change. I've been so clueless. Like trying to put on a pair of shoes that are 4 sizes too small...it's not going to happen by pulling, pushing, screaming or crying-- no matter how hard I try.
I'm feeling very anxious today--I think challenging the status quo, breaking outside of how I have always handled this situation brings a certain level of discomfort, but I imagine that is probably a good thing.
butterfly. Change is uncomfortable. But lack of change in these situations is so much worse. I'm glad you understand that the change is bringing anxiety, remember that "this too shall pass". In fact, if you keep coming ot meetings, you will learn a lot about anxiety and how to overcome it, since you will find out so much more about yourself and how you handle life.
Well, unfornunately alot of us go this anquish... sometimes alanon slogans posted where only i can see them help me. one that helps is..He Doesnt have to worry about his drinking because you do. i have that on the inside of my door to my craft room. Also the 3 cs are valuable when u are so overwhelmed you Cant Cure It Cant change/control it Didnt Cause it
prayers and hugs alyce
-- Edited by YARNCRAZY on Thursday 7th of May 2015 04:18:56 PM
Your phrase about him being a partner 75% of the time reminded me of me.
We do a lot of justifying, just like our alcoholic. I remember thinking "well, it's only once and awhile", the kids don't really even notice, MOST of the time I can manage...
On and on I went on justifying, just exactly like he did about his drinking.
Then I wondered - How often is "once and awhile"? How much of this is tolerable really? Maybe the kids DO notice - is that OK? Am I parenting and protecting them the way I need to be? Am I happy, safe and loved?
When I began to see what my alcoholic was doing that other 25% of the time, it was ugly and revolting and I couldn't justify it very well anymore.
I realized he must be very sick inside to be willing to throw it all away for a beer. The marriage, the children, the respect of friends and family and work and money and .....
That's the insanity of the disease. It is crazy.
I'm glad you're here and you're sharing your difficult journey with those of us who understand.
