The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a conflict right now and I'm not sure what to do. I have a hobby that I really enjoy that I have been involved in for over 23 years and I am thinking of letting it go. Right now it is really the only form of socializing that I do as it involved three other guys, one of whom is a good friend. I keep praying to my HP to direct me in this decision, to ultimately take it from me but it seems to come down to being a choice I have to take action on. Do you think my HP will just remove it from my life if I submit to his will or will I have to take the initiative and just let it go?
You enjoy this hobby? You get to socialise? You get to spend time with friends? Why do you want to give it up?
In my experience of letting things go, there seem to be steps i need to take first. I have to know my motives are the right ones for me. I have to accept the thing as is, ask my hp for help with it and then i seem able to let it go. It takes time mind you.
I generally find if I am agonising over a decision the only way to get any clarity is to stop agonising over it and put myself firmly in the moment. Focussing on being in the here and now, doing the next right thing and turning the problem over to HP...usually the right action becomes clear when I stop obsessing over it and live one moment at a time.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I gave up a number of things while my wife was really active. Music, Boy Scout leadership. Result of depression and thinking I needed to be home to micromanage everything. And caving to her saying that I wasn't at home enough. Now that she isn't active, I am back in scouts, and music sometimes. I don't know if you are making a decision based on what you want or what you think you need to do to keep peace or make life manageable.
I'm not saying that hobbies are more important that the rest of life. I have a family to take care of, a career, etc. But I choose to have hobbies, and I should be able to do that as long as I am able to get my other priorities done, and as long as my wife and I can agree on how much time is spent on them. When wife was active we couldn't have those conversations, so the codependent in me just shut them down without even discussing it with her.
Doing something you like for 23 years validates its importance for me at least...giving it up because a spouse isn't sober validates the cunning, powerful and baffling character of this disease and how it can take everything out of life leaving me empty and immobile. Did I think my HP wanted that? I found out No especially if my HP was getting good consequences from the thing I though I might give up. If you give this up...what more is left for you? (((hugs)))
Thanks, all for the insight. I think it's kind of a mixed bag for me. I would be giving it up in order to replace it with something that suits my current situation a little more. However, it has been a big part of me for a long time. There is also an unhealthy, micromanaging, control freak side to me as well and I have to be very careful to not make decisions based on that. I'm somewhat confused as to whether or not my HP is telling me to make the change or if it's my own not always healthy mind.
. I hear you, is it possible that you could cut back on this hobby instead of giving it up completely. I always had black-and-white thinking, either/or but Al-Anon has shown me that there is a middle ground --,a gray area in which it is very comfortable to operate in.
I would suggest examining your motives, checking out your time available and possibly working out a different schedule where you could incorporate your new interests as well as the old.
Thanks Betty for the Gray area reminder...that was a very important lesson for me also along with learning to give myself grace and mercy. Great reminder.
Wow. You all really helped me to focus on my motives and to look at the gray and not the black and white. I'm not sure my motives are healthy. They have a "controlling the situation" aspect to them. My thinking is not always right. I remember as a kid thinking if I didn't step on certain cracks on the sidewalk I would somehow control future events and bad things wouldn't happen to me. This situation seems similar. However, there is a spiritual component that makes it more confusing.
Hillyard just relax slow changes are good
No need for big. Recovery is not going to
Be quick or easy. You have stated yourself
The areas you know are troublesome in
Your life.
I agree with miranda. Dont sweat the small stuff. Go easy on yourself. Why is it so important to make this decision at this moment in your life? I know i would try to control the small stuff and obsess over it because i couldnt cope or control the bigger issues within my life. Give yourself time in recovery before making big decisions. Like you said your thinking is not quite right yet. Ive heard it said to wait six months to a year before making changes so that the time your mind needs to see reality and then decisions are coming from a sane mind.
