The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been marvelling over the whole "you're only as sick as your secrets" thing today.
I know that years ago, when my daughter was a toddler and her father had recently left, I was at the library one day for story hour and I left her on a bean-bag with a bunch of happy little kids and asked a mum if she could watch her for a few moments while I looked for a grown up book for myself. And I waited until no-one was near me and tried to cover the whole computer screen with my body while I looked up "abusive relationships". I located 2 books on the topic and then grabbed 8 other completely irrelevant books to hide them between lol, Sun Tzu's Art of War was one and that still makes me laugh. I actually took that home and pretended I was reading it. I couldn't make eye contact with the librarian and stuffed the books quickly into my backpack and kept them under my bed at my mothers house where I was staying, reading only by the light of my phone in the middle of the night. Yes it was THAT big a secret to me and I was mortified by the idea that anyone would see what I was reading. And then in the course of reading the books I was educated about the fact that shame is a normal part of dysfunction and by the time I took the books back I was much less paranoid about anyone seeing them. That act was, in my mind, the beginning of a life long journey. It was the first time I realised I wasn't all that unique or weird, I wasn't crazy or imagining things and I could take steps to start overcoming my myriad issues and fears.
When I first came here and read stories about other people living with crazy. When I posted my story and no-one banned ME for being too crazy. When I went to my first meeting and heard another lady tell my story and cry and I cried with her. When I read those Toby Rice Drews books and realised I was actually NOT the only person in the world who knew they were being manipulated by an addict but believed they couldn't take a stand because of such an overwhelming fear of abandonment...when I started to let other people in and no-one ran away screaming....
Every time I confronted one of my terrible, shameful secrets I was suddenly and irrevocably released and realised that they weren't all that terrible, or shameful and really not all that secret either. Just knowing other people have the same defects and fears is better medicine than any of the other things I have tried throughout my life (drinking, taking anti anxiety meds, desperately trying to pretend to be someone else...)
So a few days ago the "big one" finally came out. I'm sorry for how weird it is but I have always been EXTREMELY fearful of really bizarre stuff. Like keeping myself awake night after night or barricading my door before sleeping because I read a story years ago where someone killed someone when they were sleepwalking. What if I did that? Not driving a car for 38 years because I believed I would somehow lose concentration and hurt someone. Really loopy stuff but these demented fears were HUGE and have dominated my life for as long as I can remember and have stopped me from doing a lot of things.
Away somehow I blurted it all out for the first time ever to a friend the other day, I had never told ANYONE the true extent of it and then oh boy was I scared, thinking they would think I was insane and unfit to be a parent and call someone or.... Until they said "Um, Mel, doesn't your brother have clinically diagnosed OCD?" "Um yes, how is that relevant? I'm not scared of germs, I'm not even neat and tidy, have you seen my house? As if I have OCD".
So they sat with me for a long time and got me to read about it. I can't diagnose myself over the internet but nonetheless I read story after story exactly like mine and laughed and cried because wow. I honestly thought I was the ONLY person in the world that thought this kind of stuff. One site told a story about a guy being afraid to drive in case he ran over someone. Then driving around anxiously and feeling relieved afterwards to have driven without running over anyone. Then thinking "but wait on, what if I DID run over someone and I didn't notice? And driving back over the route they had taken to make sure there weren't any run over people lying on the road. Then getting home, relieved, and suddenly dissolving into panic...but what if I ran over someone WHILE was checking to see if I had run over anyone?" I've actually DONE that!!! LOL!!!
Anyway obviously that isn't al-anon stuff but it's just how things keep progressing for me now, one insurmountable hurdle at a time...knowing I have tools in my toolbelt and a HP walking with me and I seem to be just moving right on through things I thought were too terrifying and impossible to even consider tackling before. It's AMAZING.
I feel so good now; this "fear thing"has been my deepest darkest most horrible secret forever and suddenly it's something other people experience too, kind of funny in a sad way and I can go see a therapist about it without thinking they will lock me up and throw away the key. It's a treatable something instead of proof that deep down I am crazy and awful.
I'll have been a member of this site and of al-anon for 2 years in June and the amount of stuff I have plowed through with my head held up during that time just blows my mind. It's like was looking through a pair of binoculars all the time before and thinking everything and everyone around me was huge and terrifying but when I put the binoculars down, wow. Everyone is just regular size, including me.
Groovy.
Just the existence of all of us sharing and talking and learning together has changed EVERYTHING for me. Thank you all.
(((Everyone)))
-- Edited by missmeliss on Monday 4th of May 2015 09:28:20 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great post mel, thanks for sharing it. Its amazing the revelations that just keep coming, more and more of the onion peeling away revealling more and more. I love it, i love learning about me, what im all about, how ordinary and human i am. I like being one of the human race, neither beneath it or above it. That pendulum does continue to swing mind you but im getting better at tweaking with it and getting it back to centre.x
Love your share Melly so much humility
And self love coming thru. We are all in
This together to help each other and prop
Each other up.
God has your back to give you the strength
and the good people to help you on your journey
to emotional and Spiritual health.
One thing i have really learned is self love
Is so important for growth and change.
I am human no different than anyone else
And i accept that. I do my best and keep on
Going forward. I no longer beat myself up
And i am very kind and gentle to myself.
Dear Ms. M, thank you for the inspiring reflections on your journey. When I first entered program I continually heard the Al-Anon is a WE program and that by simply sharing honestly with each other, we heal and grow. I could not believe that this could be the answer but it was.
Moving out of my old tools of denial and pretend and picking up the tools of honest, open and willing, my life and attitudes all changed in a positive direction.
Discovering that I was human and not a terrible person was also a fantastic gift of this program.
I am so glad that you found us and shared the journey. We are all Miracles in Progress.
Thanks ladies
You know every time I feel low and realise I have neglected my program and make a decision to throw myself back into it head first, things just start working. And I'm surprised and amazed every time, lol you'd think I would learn...
It is an honour to share the journey with all of you.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Wonderful insights. I remember that starting when I was a kid, I thought the things that were wrong with me (some of which weren't even "wrong" things, but I thought they were wrong) were mine alone and no one else had ever had them. And that of course they were personal defects that I should have overcome by willpower. Like I didn't know how buses worked, like how you knew which one was the right one and where it was going and how to know when to get off. I assumed that I was the only person in the world who didn't know this, and that I must keep it very hidden because it was so shameful, and that if I'd been a worthier person I would have known about buses. This probably sounds minor now but it was a terror to me then. I knew someday I would be confronted by having to go on a bus and what would I do? (I did ride the schoolbus. I was so terrified by the experience that every day I got off at the first stop and walked about a mile and a half to my house, because I did that the first day and no one remarked on it and so I figured that was one thing I knew I could do.)
Now I have traveled in many places but when I have to ask something about buses I still have residual shame I have to get over - "Of course you can ask about the bus to Dover!" I have to tell myself. "How would anyone not from around here know about the bus to Dover! It's totally okay to ask!" I'm laughing at myself but also still feeling that distress of thinking I was different and wrong.
Oh Mattie thanks for sharing that! It doesn't sound minor at all, it sounds very familiar!
It also makes me want to hug little Mattie and help her find a bus stop closer to her house, lol.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Honesty, open and willing has not always worked for me. In the past 10 years being a stay at home mom with my kids has been the best and worst time in my life. The worst part of my life being the isolation, loneliness, rejection and mean comments made when I thought I was just being myself and getting to know others. I've had mean comments said related to my childhood as I grew up with an alcoholic dad and later my mom was right there with him ... their drunk fights and arguments in front of me, following me (my mom) as the aggression would escalate ... she would always push it and know my dad was getting more mad and going to hit her and then run to us to save her.
So I got to the point in my life that I had no problem admitting I grew up in an alcoholic home and if I knew someone well enough I would say that it was also a physically abusive relationship between my parents ... they went out we would be hiding anything that could become a weapon. Sorry I did not have the luxury of living in a world that allows you to see only good in general and the bad in that life is what would be more trivial parts of life in my opinion. Still hurtful and disappointing parts of life but no where near traumatic as growing up in the kind of home that I did.
So the snarky, mean comments of "maybe you need to let go of your childhood"' and the dismissive, hautee, minimizing tone that went with that has made me more on guard of being open anywhere but with my family and to some degree in meetings. Sorry I did nothing wrong ... growing up in what I did has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my parents problems. Have they affected me ... yes ... and now I'm learning how growing up in that type of home made me see and develop skills to cope that left me socially inept in reading the signs of other people well or being too sensitive to others and empathetic. So I guess my point is that I think it's great if you can be honest and accepted .... for me I wanted to not be full of shame so I tried to be honest but it came back and kicked me in the ass. So I've become very hesitant to connect with people to have any kind of meaningful relationship as I'm tired of putting myself out there and getting hurt.
Mattie ... I was afraid of that too since I grew up in the city and was always afraid I was getting on the wrong bus and I wouldn't get taken to where I needed to go. Now I'm more confident with buses to some degree but any travel with els, trains, I am afraid cause I don't know the whole system.
Constant, I'm talking about being honest and open in circles and groups where you know shared experiences make it possible for you to be understood. I'll share stuff here and even if people don't get it I know they'll try to. I wouldn't generally discuss this kind of stuff with anyone outside of al-anon because there's a good likelihood they won't relate and people often fear stuff they don't understand. (I think I just quoted Superman's mum).
I hope you'll keep sharing here and come to see that it's safe to do so because it helps.
Hugs.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Hi Constant, learning with whom to share the intimate details of my life was a true gift of program. Connecting with like-minded others ,who understood as few others can is and important part of recovering from growing up with the disease of alcoholism.
Learning how to connect with others outside of program developed slowly as I worked this program. The steps, slogans, using the tools, such as examining my motives, help me to find my true self and let go of the negative aspects of my life and childhood. Accepting that many people will be judgmental and unforgiving I had to learn how to interact with them so
I learned how to be in the moment in the day, share one feeling that day, and be supportive of others. I must always ask myself why i am sharing the intimate details and what do I expect in return.
As I walk this path,letting go of living in denial and pretend was a true gift.
Recovery is a journey of our truths and
True self however that shakes out. Most
Of us grew up in dysfunction or alcoholism
You are not alone. If there was abuse it
takes even more work and effort to get
Yourself back. Drug and alcohol therapists
Are a great help too.
Keep showing up for you, work your
program. Talk to healthy good people
That have your best interest at heart.
I built a mote around myself to keep the
Bad guys out. I am not strong enough to
Fight them off. Thats where good healthy
boundaries Come in. To keep you safe and
sane.
I learned enough in my 20's with school and working in healthcare to know that it's best to be honest and not feel ashamed about myself or "be secretive", about my childhood. So if things were brought up I would be honest and say it was rough and global about alcoholism etc.... I grew up in the time when there was the whole "Peter pan syndrome and tinker bell", and all that stuff about being open. I've come to learn that is for a specific group or type of people. I've learned there's other people who can't handle reality and at to the abuse by being mean and judgmental. I guess I'm naieve in that if someone tells me about something they've experienced something I'm not going to doubly abuse them just cause I haven't had that experience. Sadly, some of the people that I've met who seem the nicest, caring, compassionate people have ended up being the most attacking and mean with their words.
Melly, I think it is Al Anon. Direct result of working the steps. I think quite often there isn't that much work involved even, it becomes kind of a hyper=awareness of myself and that I really *am* different from others and that it's OK to be f different than others, and those differences I have sometimes work well and other's don't, and which ones do and don't, and how do I make myself conscious of when I do one of the ones that don't.
Shew, ok, I guess it *is* work. And you are doing great at it!
