The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My girlfriend is a recovering alcoholic and doing very well in her sobriety. She is 2 years, almost 3 sober. We met at work. I pursued her. We've been dating for almost 3months. I'm her first sober relationship. I have absolutely no idea how to deal with her. Ive set boundaries and made it known what I will and will not tolerate and she has done the same. At times though, she is very cold, almost as if she doesn't care or couldn't be bothered with me or my feelings. If I'm upset with her about something she has done or said, she acts as if it's not a big deal and the way I'm feeling is invalid. She treats me as if im just some person in her life. She told me she loved me about 2 weeks ago. I felt the same way but hadn't said it because I thought I was being premature and thered be no way she felt the same. I don't believe in time restraints when it comes to feelings. It is what it is. However, I'm not sure she understands what comes with genuinely loving someone. The way she speaks to me at times and her nonchalant attitude towards me and our relationship disheartens me immensley.
There was more to this but it got cut off. Long story short I don't want to leave her but I don't want to be her "training wheels" relationship either. I can see this lasting along time if we can get it right. I can't do it on my own.
I think the long and the short of it is that she is who she is. As the saying goes, "When a person shows you who they are, believe them."
People generally change as they become sober, but that doesn't mean all their underlying personality or neuroses get eliminated. That would happen in the first year or so, mostly, anyway. (There is so much turmoil in that year that alcoholics are cautioned not to get involved with anyone at that point.) So in short, the fact that she's more or less recently sober doesn't mean that she's going to change down the line.
Early in the relationship is generally the "honeymoon period." After that is when people let down their guard and become even more who they are. So if some things are hard now, they aren't going to get easier.
I know this may be disappointing news. But it's best to know what's what. I imagine most of us here have embarked on relationships thinking "This could be really good if only..." or "I'll just get this one thing to change and then..." But sadly it doesn't work like that.
You've got great awareness - that is always a plus.
L you've come to the right place. MIP and the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area will help you to understand the disease of alcoholism and what it takes to be in a relationship with one...either active or in recovery. A non-drinking alcoholic isn't necessarily a sober one and trying to have rational expectations of one at being normal often is crazy making. Normal often to an alcoholic is laced with insanity. Find the Al-Anon meetings in your area by calling the hotline number in the white pages of your local telephone book and then go as soon and often as you are able. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
My ah has been dry for 30 years but not emotionally
Sober then they need to get spiritually sober. There
Is no easy answer here except what others have said.
Go to face to face meetings to gain the knowledge and
Support you need. Loving an alcoholic is not easy, it
Is tough and can destroy you in the process. You are
Already seeing red flags your gut is talking to you!
Take care of you that is your responsibility.
I'd say you need to let her know how you feel about the way she responds to you, listen to what she says or doesn't say and see what happens from there. You can't change her she has to want to be one way or another. If you can't accept it that is fine and that is your choice. As Mattie said, if it is too much now for you it is not likely to get easier as time passes. Problems can be difficult to resolve with an addict. follow through is not always their strong suit.
