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Nothing has really changed with AD. The usual A behaviours that you are all familiar with. Incredibly heartbreaking and stressful but slowly I am getting more realistic and not reacting as much nor pleading, lecturing etc. It is however the absolutely most difficult thing I have endured. I have had other A's in my life but I am finding the reality of having an AD beyond painful some days. Living here temporarily for one month is a set boundary. Would appreciate ESH on another boundary of attending counselling (her choice with whom) while living here or move out now. Thanks for your input in advance.
Hi Serenity.
I appreciate how difficult it must be to be offering another chance to your AD.
The thing is, boundaries as I understand can only be effective when they are about US and what WE will and won't accept for ourselves. So you might set boundaries about what you will tolerate or expect in your home or in your company etc but we can't really make boundaries for other people (ie requiring them to attend counselling to remain in the home). That's more of an ultimatum and tricky to make stick unless you are absolutely certain you intend to follow through. And if it is "her choice with whom" then it could go in all sorts of directions that you don't like at all. She is unlikely to commit to seeking help until she really wants to; maybe that won't happen while she has a comfortable and safe place to call home, or perhaps it will.
Can you redefine the boundary to state simply what you will and will not tolerate in your home or for yourself?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
. Thank you miss M, I have set some boundaries such as absolutely no substance consumption in our home, no coming home intoxicated etc which have been respected so far. She just doesn't come home then and misses work or whatever. I maybe am still trying to manipulate the situation to my likeing by insisting on counselling. I have given her all the information, I likely just need to leave it at that and she will or she wont when she is ready. Need to turn it all over to her higher power and try to worry/focus more on myself and my life. I know I have done my job as a parent and I did a very good job yet didn't get the outcome I had anticipated. Need to focus more on being grateful and less on feeling sad and resentful.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Saturday 2nd of May 2015 08:12:40 PM
I don't think the counseling boundary will do a lot if it's forced. If boundaries are for you, how is her going to counseling for you? It sounds so gut wrenching. I wish there were more answers. I didn't get sober til 36. I lived with my parents for a jag too. My mom was kind of in denial though. She confronted me about my drinking and sleeping around about twice. It did nothing. I moved out and made my own mistakes til I hit a bottom that, for me felt pretty low but could have been way worse.
I understand this pain. Ive often wondered if i would ever have my son here again, even on a temporary basis. Alcoholism and active drinking is destructive, i get sick in its midst. I cant afford to be sick. Can i love myself enough to say no you cant live here, even temporarily? Im not sure.
The whole mother ideology is still deep in me. As for insisting in counselling or anything else. Does it work? Ive come to believe the only thing that works is pressure and natural consequences. If she feels enough pressure from her decisions and behaviour and has no other choice but to make her own changes then i think thats when real change occurs. It works like that for all of us really.
You could choose to insist on counselling, what are the motives, you feel a bit of control to alleviate your fears, she pretends this is what she needs, the counsellor is told what she thinks is the right thing to say. It seems like another go around in the merrygoround. I could be wrong, i often am. In my own experience, i think the right thing to do is let her sink, if i end up in that situation with my son, which is likely, then i know i let him back for me and my fears.
My AW hit a big low and said some terribly nasty things to our kids. It got her to seek counseling. She ended up joining a substance abuse group at our church. Unfortunately, it was short lived. I don't even bother asking her if she is going to go. It's her decision that she needs to make. I'll sometimes toss out some breadcrumbs, share something I read about addiction, etc., but I don't even bringing the group up most times. It's going to have to be her choice which probably means that she will have to hit a new low.
Thank you everyone. I think I am just gong to drop the whole counselling issue. It likely does not serve any point right now other then to give me a false sense of "doing something" . She knows it is available and where to go if she wants. I have started to be more honest with other people regarding the situation when they ask.(Family friends&relatives) as they sensed something was going on. Prior to that I think I was trying to protect everyone. Protect myself from some weird sense of shame and embarrassment and her reputation. It is what it is and it is not my business or responsibility. I don't go around giving any details that would be disrespectful I believe but I just share enough to make my life more sane and then I can go about my day not worrying if someone is going to ask me how she is doing.
