The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday, the day after I confronted my AW about her drinking and that she needed to stop arguing with our 18 year-old daughter while she was intoxicated, things seemed back to normal in the morning. I could tell my AW felt guilty but there was never any apology. That evening after work we went out to eat as a family. She orders a couple drinks. On the way out the door she says she's been depressed and that's why she drank too much the night before. I ask if she wants to see a counselor. No response. We go home.
That evening our wi-fi was out so I am trying to fix it and getting frustrated with the loud noise around me while I'm talking with customer service. My AW pours another drink and is listening to music with ear phones and our 12 year-old is there. She starts talking and I can tell that the drinks are setting in and she asks my son if he wants to listen to the music. I say "I don't want him listening to that" thinking that the music was full of obscenities. My tone was somewhat angry and frustrated. She comes back angered that I would think she would let him listen to obscene music (apparently the music wasn't obscene but this is a woman who routinely uses f bombs in conversation in front of the kids) and then starts calling me names in front of the kids like douche bag. I start feeling guilty for judging her and angry at the same time for being name called. Then worry kicks in and I start thinking, is she going to leave me for being mean? This is the insanity of my thought process. I ultimately disengage and just focus on fixing the Wi-Fi and giving my worries and will to my HP. Before anything else could happen she was asleep.
It's very strange to read my own words that describe my thought process. The anxiety over the possibility of my AW leaving me can be overwhelming. I almost wanted to go into full apology mode last night and say, I'm sorry for judging you. It's totally my fault even though you are the one who is drinking and cursing. I should never have been so hurtful as to call your character into question. What is wrong with me?
-- Edited by Hillyard on Saturday 2nd of May 2015 06:42:55 AM
Hillyard,all I can say is living and loving with an alcoholic destroys ones sense of self worth. But I love your honesty of your driving fear of abandonment. It makes sense to me that you would wish to placate her to keep her even when you know she's in the wrong. When we are emotionally battered by alcoholism its natural to seek reassurance always hoping one day we'll be thought of. We must think of ourselves and be kind to ourselves. Small steps to begin with. Its not easy. But were worth it . Lots of hugs.
Hillyard, I am practically cheering aloud as you are building awareness through your sharing. It is difficult, but courageous. Our growth moves along by awareness, then acceptance, then action. You are doing quite well to even be building your awareness like you are this early on.
Hil your awareness is very impressive . I admire your clarity and honesty. Please know that by keeping the focus on yourself and seeing how our thinking can hurt ourselves is a huge step to recovery. Sharing here is another .
Thank you for the kind and supportive words. I am pretty in touch with my own feelings, especially my fears, and I don't have a problem sharing them. I do however have a a major problem with dealing with them. I live in a virtually constant state of fear. Fear of change, loss, etc. I'm also very nostalgic and up until I began posting here would get stuck in the past. I even drive through my old childhood neighborhood every morning on my way to work just to get a sense of balance. Life was very safe back then.
I find that prayers for guidance, and of gratitude, instead of worrying or projecting helps me.
It replaces the fear with courage,wisdom and serenity.
Try it .
Wow this could be a scene from my life before alanon. Its no way to live. Its not living, its existing on a bed of nails, painful and damaging for kids. It sounds like you need help. Alanon meetings are the first step. Nothing changes until you make the changes to yourself. This is one scenario in millions and it can go on forever unless real changes occur within you.
-- Edited by el-cee on Saturday 2nd of May 2015 09:00:51 AM
