The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my xah 22 years ago when I realized that the insanity was making me and my young children crazy. I grew up in a home with an a father so I recognized the crazy making. I have raised 3 nice sons, university educated and they seem pretty well balanced given the father they have had - still a serious a.
I sacrificed so much for these kids who were so close in age - 3 born in 21 months (twins second). I was a very good Mom who tried to impart spirituality, love and respect.
This week my oldest son, who is 26 years old and lives away with his girlfriend was home for 2 weeks. I saw him twice while he was here. He spent the majority of the time with his girlfriend's family - visiting his gf grandparents, bowling with her family, etc. Both times I saw him was for 2 hours each time and both times his gf spent the whole time complaining about being tired and wanting to go home to her family's place.
One of my twins was in Cuba this week, and came by today because I said I wanted to see him after his holiday (he was in town to see my oldest son but lives 4 hours from here). He said he should have bought me something in Cuba but he swallowed sea water snorkelling so he couldn't shop for me lol.
I am trying hard not to be resentful. I poured my heart and soul into raising these boys who are now adults. I knew what it was like to grow up in a home with an a parent and I took them out of that. I am afraid that I didn't teach them that I was important, too.
Alanon has taught me that valuing myself is important. I don't feel important right now to my boys. I have to think that what I did was for the greater good. They wouldn't be the adults they are now if I had stayed with their dad.
I am feeling lost and sad right now.
I am grateful for anyone who can share any ESH right now. Thanking you in advance
Sorry if i sound unsympathetic but it seems to me your missing your reward for everything you have done. Three children, out living life to the fullest, well balanced, self sufficient. That is about the best outcome that i could hope for. My ex is an a, my kids are all affected, my eldest son may or may not be an a, time will tell. I suggest writing out a gratitude list of everything you are grateful for when it comes to your kids then i would set about building a life of your own, living it fully.
Thanks Betty and el-cee. Your words help me. El-cee thanks for the reminder of being grateful. I needed that. My kids do struggle as a result of their AD. They have been seriously affected but so far doing ok. I need to celebrate that which is good in my life. Hugs to you both.
My boys are grown now 30 and up. But you know I also wonder if I made a mistake somewhere along the way, maybe in the appreciation concept, maybe because it was always about "them". I never really had a life until now that I am old. I know they love me. But they rarely reach out. But maybe that is a good thing, they know how to fall and get up on THEIR OWN. Not sure of all the answers, but it does make me sad sometimes. I am always looking for that "thanks mom", but it is rarely there. They say that boys are not as close to their mom as girls are. Boys/men definitely talk less about feelings so that could be why too. I did it, I raised them on my own and did a good job, made some mistakes along the way. And now I need to "get a life", not sure what I am waiting for. I hear you Com, and I feel you, you are not alone. Al-anon has helped me sssssssooooooo much to put the focus on myself and enjoy what I am becoming. A happy, positive person, I don't put all my eggs in one basket anymore. Keep coming back. linsc
LinSC, thanks for sharing your story. Alanon has made me realize that I do need to make a life for myself. I feel like I have woken up from a long sleep. It was like, hey, my job as a Mom is done. I definitely made some mistakes along the way but overall I think I did a pretty good job.
I grew up in an aa family (my AF stopped drinking when I was 11) but we never dealt with our family issues. My family kept their distance and did very little to help me as a single Mom. I think my Mom felt a lot of guilt for not taking us out of the home when my AF was so bad and I think my Dad felt a lot of guilt for what he put us through. I'm just guessing (because we NEVER talked about my Dad's drinking after he got sober) but there must have been a reason they didn't help out. As a result, I became immersed the of raising the boys.
I did put my kids first for all of their lives. Now I need to enrich my life and show them that I am person, independent of them. Realizing this, I am excited. I am ready to keep working on the steps and move forward. Whether they stay close to me or not, I need to accept that they are adults and can make their own choices. We are all responsible for our own happiness. Alanon has taught me this.
