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My AD, who denies she is either an alcoholic or addict....called me yesterday. I couldn't understand very much of what she said as she was partly whispering, but she also said she hadn't slept all the night before. She said she was depressed (because I had to put my/her 15 yr old cat to sleep due to terminal illness-she got cat in 2001 but gave it to me a few years later) and she was really worried because she hadn't heard from her crack addicted boyfriend in almost 2 weeks.
I tried to at first listen with empathy, but when the conversation became repetitive after some 30-40 min, and when she kept telling me about the depth of her boyfriend's drug involvement-supplying details which I told her I did not need to hear, and as I had told her in the past when I ask her to stop sharing every detail of her friend's illegal/immoral activities, that I will hang up.
I couldn't get a word in edgewise so I doubt she could hear me asking her to please stop telling me about his addiction details. So I just hung up.
Of course I got blasted (long tets) for being rude,etc
My AD, who denies she is either an alcoholic or addict....called me yesterday. I couldn't understand very much of what she said as she was partly whispering, but she also said she hadn't slept all the night before. She said she was depressed (because I had to put my/her 15 yr old cat to sleep due to terminal illness-she got cat in 2001 but gave it to me a few years later) and she was really worried because she hadn't heard from her crack addicted boyfriend in almost 2 weeks. I tried to at first listen with empathy, but when the conversation became repetitive after some 30-40 min, and when she kept telling me about the depth of her boyfriend's drug involvement-supplying details which I told her I did not need to hear, and as I had told her in the past when I ask her to stop sharing every detail of her friend's illegal/immoral activities, that I will hang up. I couldn't get a word in edgewise so I doubt she could hear me asking her to please stop telling me about his addiction details. So I just hung up. Of course I got blasted (long tets) for being rude,etc
Yeah, I've been there. Perhaps it might be helpful to then next time you talk to her -- when things are a bit calmer -- explain that you don't wish to hear about it, and that if she can't respect that, that you will have to promptly end the phone call. Set a boundary. That doesn't mean that if it happens again she will react any differently -- she might still call you rude -- but at least you can know that you did set boundaries that she was aware of, and whether or not she chooses to respect them is up to her, and not your fault if she crosses them and you stand by your boundaries.
-- Edited by rt on Friday 1st of May 2015 11:20:22 AM
Sounds like you did the right thing! You got off the Merry Go Round. Because it was making you ill. She crossed your boundary and you responded. She wasn't going to hear anything you had to say. It was all about her: Selfish and Self-Centeredness. This reminds me of:
'The Law of the Garbage Truck.' People are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets. The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.
This is one of our survival choices and a good one for keeping sanity. The only person I let critique my choices is my sponsor after I first check it out with my Higher Power. Neither has ever negatively critiqued me negatively making that kind of choice to save my spirit. As long as I follow the protocols I'm okay with what I decide. Good job!!! ((((hugs))))
I used to get into screaming matches with my husband on the phone.. he'd scream. I'd plead. He's call me a name and hang up on me. I'd call him back... over and over and over...
Since i found Al-anon I no longer accept screaming or name calling. I have been on the phone with him with him raising his voice exactly once since he's been home from rehab (January this year)
He started screaming at me and I said "I'm sorry I can't talk right now gotta go" and I hung up the phone.
Had he called back I would not have answered.
I could have talked. I did not feel like it. He knew this and when I got home he said 'I knew you could talk to me and you didn't want to. i"m sorry I yelled" FIRST TIME EVER..... all because I kept a boundary.
If he had started texting me I would have turned my phone off.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
(((Ignutah)))My son would do the same to me and reacted with the same hurt feelings about being "hung up on." I reasoned it out wth him, told him I had explained that I was gong ot hang up if he continued and I simply followed through with my action. It appears he understood this on some level as in the future, when I asked him to stop telling tales fr calling incessantly he did .
The insanity of this disease is difficult to manage -- You did the right thing hanging up.
I personally think it isn't rude to hang up on someone who is rude in the first place, and won't change their "conversation" style when they are asked to please stop. It is merely enforcing boundaries. Good job, as El-cee said, she will learn after awhile.
