The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife had a few drinks. She was fine until she went out with our 18 year old daughter to get a pie at the store. My daughter drove. An argument for no reason occurred and my wife became nasty and obscene. They came home. My wife corners my daughter doing the whole arguing nonsense. I enter the room she tells me to f off. I come back and say "this is enough. You were drinking. "She leaves the room and locks herself in her bedroom. The next morning it's as if nothing happened. I don't bring anything up. In the past I would. This was one of the first times I confronted her about her drinking during the heat of an argument. Was this all good or bad?
Well, I don't know if I can tell you if it was good or bad. Did it FEEL good to you? That's honestly what matters most at this point, I think.
Honestly, I was never able to get away with telling my AH "You've been drinking -that's enough" as it would only provoke more rage and lashing out from him. I'm glad it worked out for you (in a sense) -- at the very least, I think it is a step in the right direction on your part to acknowledging the issue and setting boundaries for yourself.
Hillyard ...good reachout and plea for ESH. That process worked for me also...I learned how to be open and honest which you were and I learned how to do it for the right reason, which you did also. The disease walked around as if on egg shells will progress to much worse. "f ...off" is a threat of violence when I worked as a case manager in alternatives to violence and substance addiction...I would have a cop/cops at the door as fast as I could to take a perpetrator away. Yes I have done it with females also. The language, both what is said and how it is said denotes an out of control condition especially considering that it is said against people who are willing to put up with it on a daily or more often basis. It is not "only words"...behind the words are intense negative emotions and body language that describe intention. That is what I knew and that is part of why I would reach for the phone and call "public safety". Just my ESH. Good job at home...speak to your daughter about it? What's she got to say? Might take her to a meeting and let her on to your literature. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I think you did well Hillyard You said what you meant and did not say it mean. If she is being this abusive to you and the children,it might be a good idea to find an alateen meeting for them as well. I do agree with Jerry F as well.
Thanks, all. I have been walking around on eggshells for a long time now. She has never had to face any type of real consequences so the disease has gotten worse. I was considering the Al ateen group but I'm not sure my daughter will want to take that step. Doesn't hurt to bring it up though. My wife is emotionally very immature. The more I read and involve myself with this group I see it clearly. I still have not found a group yet. I'm leaning towards Celebrate Recovery since it involves my HP but I don't want to miss out on Al Anon if that group suits the issues I'm having better. I'm not going to be able to do more than one group.
I have a friend that goes to celebrate recovery. She Did not address her ABF issues there. It sounds like A good program but it is not based on alcoholics. You Do not learn about the disease and how to learn new tools To live by. She does alanon occasionally but she Really needs alanon more. She is still in denial about
her Relationship with abf. Coming out of denial as you do
your recovery is what it is all about. Facing your truths
as you are strong enough to deal with them. It is a process
it all takes time and willingness to change and grow.
Alanon is a spiritual program too
-- Edited by Mirandac on Friday 1st of May 2015 09:22:34 PM
I sponsored Alateen for 6 years and it was a blessing for me. Often the parent would bring the teen to their first "I don't wanna go" meeting and push them in the door and the next meeting they were their on their own and every one after that. They very often grow faster than we adults do because they don't have the time in problem as we do and change easier. "I" never ran a meeting I just opened the door and sat with them while they ran their own...They get it good and I am so grateful for that opportunity.
Hi Hillyard, Does Celebrate Recovery have a program for co-alcoholics? I know alcoholics who have been helped greatly by Celebrate Recovery, but I don't know if they have co-alcoholic support.
I would try everything I could until I found something I was comfy with. if you don't feel good about it, you won't attend for long, won't take it seriously, etc.
And certainly keep coming back here, keep spreading your ESH!
I just talked to my friend she said many people from AA
Found celebrate recovery more helpful than AA but that
Again is the other side of the coin. We are addicted to
The addict.
Celebrate recovery also has many porn and sex addicts.
I think its about finding God and a power greater than
Themselves to help them on the path to their recovery. It
Is a twelve step type program too.
I attend divorce care that is great program i am doing
That too. It is a God based 12 step program but it
Doesn't touch On alcoholic issues and concerns. It
Has brought God into my life again and has helped
Me in that area of my recovery.
We get lost in the disease of alcoholism. It rips and
Tears apart families and lives so much destruction.
It is truly a family disease.
Al-anon has helped me to get stronger and learn so many new tools in dealing with my family of A's. I started out in regular al-anon meetings and found a sponsor and worked the steps with her and after I felt I was ready for more I tried ACOA and codependent groups, but I am glad I did start with al-anon and it is my home and go to. I am glad you are considering getting your daughter into al-ateen, I know my oldest has been effected by her A dad and although she no longer goes, she received books and has people to relate to now when she is ready and it opened up communication between us which is priceless. Sending you love and support on your journey!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
My experience with Celebrate Recovery has been that it's a 12 Step for many issues and they are broken into groups that offer the support that is needed for that area.
I actually have a bible that is from the Celebrate Recovery and I really enjoy just reading the different stories in it.
It has been my experience everyone has their own journey and I know for me I get to where I need to be when I need to be there regardless of the crooked path it takes to get there .. recovery is never a straight line.
It helped me a great deal to read up and learn about alcoholism because there were many things I tried to control that it turns out were alcoholic induced behaviors that I am absolutely powerless over. That for me was step 1. Giving up control over what was just not my journey anymore. It did help me to get a better grasp on the disease in general.
We talked about this in the meeting this last week .. if an A stops emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally growing when they start drinking .. I see where I stopped growing in similar fashion when I became completely wrapped up in the A. It was slowly killing me on all levels as well. When I got into recovery I started growing again we had a horrible immature relationship. There was no emotional connection, if the alcohol was gone I had no real relationship there was nothing to talk about.
The fear I had about my A leaving was directly related to my own lack of self esteem. The whole what if .. what if they left me and it really was me that was the issue because they all of a sudden got "fixed" by someone else. What was so unlovable about me that I wasn't good enough. What was so broken about me that they just couldn't love me back. These were all questions that plagued me until I really got that this was so not about me. My issue was what made me think I was broken so badly I wasn't lovable. What made me believe that I was more powerful than the addiction at hand. When I started focusing on me and what I wanted I started to become less afraid of what would happen and my XAH did leave
So my reality check .. he did leave, I did survive and am surviving actually I'm doing more than surviving I'm actually living. He got remarried (honestly he had never not been in a relationship as he went to an affair during our marriage and continued it until she eventually dumped him (he was still doing the same thing)). The new woman he has married shockingly has major self esteem issues as he has a new mommy who won't leave him and has declared to me and the kids that this is her 3rd marriage (2nd to an active addict) and she will do whatever it takes to make it work. He still has no relationship with the kids, .. I have no idea if he's actually drinking or not and I find it doesn't matter as I will know when I need to know if that's the case. He tries to continue to deal with me as if we were still married so .. has anything really changed? NO! So he moved on and is still doing the same thing and right now they are in the "honeymoon" phase as weird as it is. My daughter says they are polite to each other, it's more like they tolerate each other .. sooooo that's interesting.
Whatever it is that you need to do .. I use these boards as a supplement to my healing. It's a great way to get perspective and look at things differently, while keeping the focus on what I need to keep working on.
Good luck :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you all for the comments and support. I found two CR groups and a very close Al Anon group so I just have to pick and start attending. My schedule is insane right now but I don't think I should use that as an excuse.
