The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am completely new to Al Anon. I just went to my first meeting Tuesday. I have been going crazy needing to share my story with someone - anyone - as I feel like I am about to hit bottom.
My H is an alcoholic. We have been together 15 years, and he started drinking 7 years ago. Before that, he was emotionally abusive while sober. Since he started drinking, he has had very violent and erratic behavior in the past that he dismisses as him "playing" or "just trying to scare me." He completely denies ever being abusive to me in any way.
About a year and a half ago was the worst time. He finally got violent at the bar on his birthday, and everyone came to the house to "help" him and saw all the violence come out as he tried to stab himself in the chest with a knife. Finally others saw what I was talking about when I tried to warn people not to "get him drunk," as he had several friends that were telling him I was a controlling b*** for not wanting him to drink while I was really just a scared woman who did not want to be abused.
I grabbed my kids and got the h*** out of the house, leaving his friends there to deal with him. After promising he would never do it again, he did it again a month later. This time, there was some physical violence involved.
The problem is, I have never gotten over these nights even though there hasn't been anything quite this scary since. (Though there have been a few occasions) It's like he really is trying to drink less. He still drinks several times a week, but it's hardly enough to even notice a change in his behavior. He is still emotionally abusive from time to time, but it never seems to be tied to the alcohol use. It's when he is sober, like before he started drinking.
I have PTSD from those two nights, though, and am still frightened and not able to live a normal life. The sound of breaking glass makes me want to throw up and the other day watching the Avengers when the Hulk was chasing some girl I almost lost it. That's exactly what H looked like that night.
I just feel now like I have no leg to stand on to leave him as he is trying hard to work many hours and not drink as much. I also feel like my leaving him would hurt him terribly. Almost to the point where he might hurt himself or me.
We have a child who ADORES him, and he is very good with him so I know that I cannot keep the two of them apart, and I don't really know if I have to worry about him with him or not. Though I admit I am worried that he will try to scare me by disappearing with him for awhile the first couple of visit to punish me.
I am not sure what to do next as I want out of my situation, but feel too guilty for the pain that I will cause H. And my 6 year old son. I am worried that if I stay up on this high road, and not tell my son all the bad things his daddy has done to me that he will end up "choosing" him and I'll lose him forever.
I have been with him my entire adult life and he's been with me since he was only 23, so naturally I feel a sort of obligation to NOT tear his world apart, even though that's what he's done to me.
I have no sparkle anymore, I am sad and fearful around him, though he would say I have no reason to be. He also has multiple bad health issues such as heart problems, etc which only add to my guilt.
Anyway, it feels amazing to finally get that out. I have been telling friends and stuff which helps, but I always feel like I'm holding back a little to protect - me? him? them? I don't know. I just needed to tell someone else out there in the world I guess.
My heart just hurts. So bad. All the time.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 1st of May 2015 06:33:11 AM
my husband is an alcoholic. He has blackouts and alcohol psychosis. the last time he drank, he tried to kill me. He does not remember. He was arrested. I had not yet started Al-anon so my skills and tools were not yet strong but I knew that I was not going to risk death with this man again.
He called via a bailbondsman and asked if I was going to help with bail (gawd this was January and it seems so long ago already) I said "yes on the condition that he go directly to detox then to rehab and that he could come home once he completed rehab and was ACTIVELY WORKING A PROGRAM (leaving the program of choice up to him although I knew AA was the only way for him to go)
He agreed. He wanted to come home between detox and rehab and get a shower. I refused. REFUSED. I set a line in the sand and I stuck to it. I drove him to rehab and as we are going up he is saying "I have to go I have no choice" and I said "you have EVERY choice... if you don't want to go to rehab that's fine. You have your car and your keys and your clothes and I can get out and find a friend to take me home and we can be done" He said he wanted to go to rehab.
he called after about 2 weeks inpatient and begged to come home... I said no. he said "fine we will get divorced" and I said (as scary as it was) fine... and we hung up I had a week of no contact and was making plans to sell the house and downsize... he called all better. Leaving him alone is a big step for me and it's helping.
he transferred after about 30 days from inpatient rehab to outpatient rehab from home (with the approval of the professional who felt he could continue to make progress this way)
He has been working rehab "full time" for a few months he was recently transitioned to phase 2 where he goes to one meeting a week at night and he was just released to go back to work on Monday.
His drinking is not my problem. I have no control over him only what I do. My leaving him was his rock bottom. He realized he did not want to live without me so he started rehab to keep me. It took my not caring if he divorced me and not calling to beg him to work on this for us to get past this.
Now I am struggling with my expectations of what "actively working a program" means as my interpretation is different from his to some degree. We talked about it and are really close on the same page and he agreed he needs more meetings and to find a better sponsor. This is hard work.
I am in therapy and going to usually 2-3 meetings a week.
Folks, including me, walk into Al-anon and say "help me know what is the right thing to do to HELP my alcoholic" and that's not what we need to learn.... Al-anon starts working when we realize that the best way to help our alcoholic/addict is for US to get HEALTHY.
Once we are healthy and doing the work we need to do "slogans, steps, meetings etc" we see that OUR behavior impacts on them.
The first time one of the tools Al-anon has taught me (detach with love) worked the light bulb went off and I got it.
I started implementing these things more and more and it gets better and better... progress not perfection.
YOU are not alone. Keep coming back it works if you work it.
__________________
-- ladybug
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Welcome Jenna, I am so glad that you have found Al-Anon meetings and our message board and have had the courage to share with such honesty and clarity. You are not alone and I can understand your heart ache and heartbreak.
Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease we too become negatively affected and need a program of recovery. I can certainly identify with losing your spark, and many of the symptoms that you have shared. Al-Anon is the recovery program that has been set up for family members who have lived with the insanity of this disease. The members understands as few others can be irrational fear and dread that has been floating around within your heart and soul as a result of coping with this insanity.
It is suggested you make no major life changes for the first six months in program so that you will have an opportunity to develop new and constructive tools that will restore your self-esteem and self-worth. Breaking the isolation caused by living in the insanity is also crucial to recovery.
Attending meetings, living one day at a time, focusing on your own self and well-being and sharing with others all will all work together to restore your courage serenity and wisdom once again.
This is an anonymous program so that if you have signed up with your real name. I suggested that you change that.
Welcome jenna you made a good first step and went to
A meeting. The recomendation is to make no changes for
6 months to a year unless there is abuse. The reasoning
Is that once you start working the program you Get some
clarity on your truths and what to do about it also for you
to get Willing enough to make some changes.
Alanon ftf mtgs will help you get strong emotionally the more
You learn, change and grow. It is a program about you getting
Better no matter what the alcoholic does or doesnt do.
Getting a sponsor will help walk you thru the process of
Learning the alanon program. Its about self care, self love
And self acceptance with the help of your HP.
You Will learn healthy boundaries and detaching with
Love among other tools to live by.
Many of us have walked in your shoes. You will learn all
There is to learn about the disease of alcoholism. You
Did not cause it, can not cure it and can not control it.
My heart bleeds for your situation keep taking care
Of you and your children. Do not worry about the alcoholic
He needs to take care of himself and his problems. Keep
Going to mtgs and reaching out for support To find your
solutions. Get to a safe place if he is abusive.
Jenna, what is your son seeing? He is seeing his dad abusing his mom in so many ways and his mom stays. He is seeing violence and fear. And he is incorporating this into his understanding of human interactions so that he thinks this is normal and acceptable. Yes he loves his dad and he can still have his dad if you separate but he can also have a healthy, happy mom who is not afraid every minute of the day. Don't worry, he will see his father more clearly as he matures and realize that there are flaws.
And you are living with fear every single day. What is that doing to you? Well your words say that you know what it is doing to you. And still you stay because you fear what helping yourself is going to do to others. You might be surprised at your children's reactions if you leave the stressful situation- they may be happier and more relaxed. I have a fried whose mother stayed with her AH because 'he was their father and they needed a father and they loved him and he loved them etc." She finally did leave and my friend says that she and her sister were overjoyed because finally they had peace and love and no tension in their home.
Al anon teaches you to take that onus for their behavior off you. It teaches you that his consequences are his own and you should not have to suffer for his choices. It teaches you how to detach that is true but it also teaches you that you have to take care of yourself. Most importantly, in my experience, it teaches you to put the consequences on the offender and stop shouldering the load yourself.
Please find a safe place for yourself and your children.
Wow. I cannot express how grateful I am for all the responses. I can't believe how many people have been/are going through similar experiences to me.
I met with a lawyer today to get a plan of action and I feel confident and ready should I need to make a quick break.
I have really appreciated being able to read through everyone's stories. I will definitely continue to go to meetings and start to work through the steps. I am ready to change my life.
I recognize some co dependent behavior in myself, mainly trying to base my self worth on whether or not I can "fix" him. I know now that I can't and it is so freeing to know that I am not responsible for how he turns out.
Thanks so much again everyone.
So after I posted my last post here, h drops the bomb on me that he wants to have another baby with me. The thing is, I just secretly went on BC (just began four days ago) so that I could not. Now I am feeling convicted that I should have been honest with him from the start. I was secretive about it at first because I was afraid that he would become belligerent if he knew that I did not want to have any more kids with him. He told me he was worried that I would leave him for another man and that he knew he was a crappy h but no one else would love me like he does (I know this is not true. I do feel like I could find love and happiness apart from him. I also do not care if I do or not. I would rather be alone than with him). I love him in a Very sad way but not a romantic one. I want out but it is clear that he is trying to get his hooks in and it's not going to be easy. I just feel so sneaky and dishonest. I meant I went on BC and consulted with an attorney at the same time he is hurting so much and wanting to be a better man.
I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop and for him to do it one more time. I learned today that I cannot get a protective order (to allow me to keep my child away from him and thus reduce the chance of h running off with him before a temporary order can be established) unless there has been violence in the home in the last 30 days. There has not been at this time, but every time he has had a good period, he has always relapsed.
It's almost like I've gotten so good at the detachment with love (I've been working on detachment from him for a very long time due to his health concerns and the fact that he refuses to care for his body and continues to smoke, drink, eat badly and not exercise in spite of having two heart attacks) that it didn't even occur to me to feel guilty about doing these things in a sneaky way. I felt like I was "getting my ducks in a row" so that we could leave and get out if things went down and I needed to make a quick getaway. Now I just feel guilty.
Will these feelings of guilt ever go away? I have been asking HP to show me his will for four months and I'm getting crickets. I'm getting such confusing/conflicting signals.
-- Edited by JennaClair on Saturday 2nd of May 2015 04:19:57 AM
-- Edited by JennaClair on Saturday 2nd of May 2015 04:25:03 AM
Aloholics are very manipulitive and so we become just as cunning in our interactions with them Being honest, open and willing is a gift I learned in alanon. I finally saw how my living in denial and pretend was very destructive to my marriage and my mental health . I too tried to protect my family from the reality and when I finally started being honest ,that is when my life began to change for the better. The guilt I felt was lifted when I worked the Steps .
There may be a good reason why you didn't tell him about going on BC.
Welcome to MIP JennaClair - you've been through a lot and it takes time to recover. For me, going through the recovery process has meant learning to take care of myself, being honest with myself, and considering how I want to live my life without letting the disruptive forces of alcoholic thinking get in the way. It is not easy, but it is worth it!!
I have spent hours/days/months of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop in my husband's life and in the meantime I have neglected myself. Why would I want to do that? I remember being a young girl trying to figure out who I wanted to be and in many ways the process that I am living now reminds me of that time. Guilt, anger, frustration et al get in the way on a regular basis as do the residual effects of traumatic events from the past few years. Recognising these negative things for what they are (i.e. just inconvenient memories of past experiences, they don't reflect where I am now) is helpful for me and I also have a list of things that I love to do, that make me feel good when I do them, and a list of people that I like to spend time with that I read when I need to change my thinking. If something is upsetting me in the here and now then I have learnt to say my piece, take whatever action that is in my own best interests and leave it at that. I have learnt that I deserve to live the life that is comfortable for me, and that I do have the tools within me to be able to do that. When I am comfortable my feelings of guilt or anxiety go away btw!
From reading your post I think that you have made some good choices in the face of horrible experiences. I suspect that you have good instincts and it is wonderful to have you with us.
I cannot believe how lucky I feel to have found alanon. I can't believe there are so many other people out there who have been there and care about helping other people. It is very inspiring to see people willing to share with me and help me. I hope that one day I will be on the other side and able to help out someone else.
I am trying to wait to make the major changes for the six months, but feel confident and ready to make a quick getaway if the need arises. I have already made arrangements with a friend if I ever need to make "the call."
I feel more empowered than ever before. I feel change coming.
