The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I dig deep into my emotions I notice a constant fear driving a lot of my actions. I feel like I'm not worthy. I feel that I can get involved with recovery for myself and my wife will end up finding someone else. It scares me. What I really want id a healthy partner to spend my life with. I want my wife to be that person. I want her to want to recover and get healthy. Our kids are getting older and time is passing and things aren't changing. There are these small glimmers of hope but they always disappear.
Fear and lack of self-esteem often surface as a result of living with and dealing with the disease of alcoholism. You are not alone. Many of our readings talk about irrational fear and dread being the result of living with and coping with this disease.
The program is a process and the more that I learned to show up, focus on myself and my needs , share , live one day at a time , the more I realized that my self-esteem was growing. The reason for this was that I was no longer focused on making others happy and had focused my attention on my needs and my actions. Program has taught me that Self-esteem grows when I do esteem able actions. I keep the focus on myself. I can treat others with courtesy and respect at all times, place Al-Anon principles above personalities including my own, and my self-worth and self nurtured
Program works. It is fantastic that you are feeling your feelings and seeing what is going on within you. That's a huge step in changing our behavior. It's just a process and takes time. Keep coming back
It is all a process Working the steps with your sponsor will address your wrongs and provide a means of making amends. Right now knowing that you are working a program and are an imperfect human is enough You do not have to be perfect to have self esteem and self worth Just accepting yourself is enough.
Hillyard thats what we do in alanon. Change our own
Behaviors to grow into a healthier and more spiritual
Person. I know you understand God but alcoholism
Is a terrible disease of the mind body and spriit and
We get as sick as they are but in a different way.
I would guess most of us were brought up in alcoholism
Or the family dysfunction from it. It can be generations
Back. We find familiar people. These are all the type of things
you learn when Attending face to face mtgs. There are Three
daily readers That help you with the alanon concepts and ideas. It is
A me program no matter what the alcoholic does or
Doesnt do At least in theory i did not have much luck.
Self care, self love and self acceptance are the real backbone
Of the program with your higher power holding your hand giving
You courage to change and grow into the person you were
meant to be. I no longer recognized the person i became after
Being beat down by my dry ah disease. I use to have an inner glow
That got put out, i no longer knew who i was. How did that
Happen? Why did it happen? This disease can warp us. I had
Become the doormat.
Since working my recovery in earnest and my ah and i seperating
The doormat has come alive and has a voice. I have found my emotions
And feelings again. I kept stuffing them now i dont. We had a fairly
Good dry alcoholic marriage for 15 years, then a pretty bad one for
the last 15 years. The disease Wears you down my ah has been dry
the whole time just not emotionally Or spiritually sober. He has been
attending AA for 3+ years Still not much changed in my marriage.
It only stayed bad, AA gave him the Courage to leave our marriage
with be with his new AA gf. Now we Are getting divorced.
I hope the next leg of my journey will be a happy and healthier one.
I do not plan on dating till i am totally healed up 2-3 years down the
Road. Relationships take two healthy and willing people.
As you work your program, you will find that you start making living amends and change your ways. Offering yourself grace and patience is the best you can do for yourself and accept the fact that you did the best you could with the tools that were before you. Nobody's perfect. Most of us in program come in thinking 'we are not enough'. I always felt that I was never enough: not for my alcoholic father, not for my alcoholic husband, and not even for God. I didn't want to be forgiven because I was the perfect victim and martyr. This program has taught me a different way. Self acceptance is key and though the tools of the program, you will find your peace whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
This program is about you. Taking the focus off our alcoholics and working through the pain that brought us here is part of the process. There is no need to fear it, but fear is definitely a HUGE part of what held me back. I had to accept the fact that I had fear and that fear was my baseline feeling, but I also knew that I didn't need to carry it around with me forever. One small change can be the catalyst for a difference in your life. Each day brings opportunities for a change so I would say to ask your Higher Power to provide you with a chance to make those small changes. Journal your progress and then sit back and be at peace. There is no perfect way to do this but the way that your HP leads you, will be the unquestionable right path for you. HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I used to cling the idea that someone else would change for me. It was a set up for disappointment. I also used to interpret when they would not change, that I was not good enough to motivate them to change. On top of that, I concluded that I wasn't even good enough for them to change in ways that would obviously benefit their life. It was a supremely negative belief system. The other person's choices and behavior were a reflection of them and not me. In clinging to them, I had to look at the broken parts of me. Why was I clinging to someone that was so unhealthy and unable to meet most of my minimal desires and expectations in a relationship? What I came up with was that my self-esteem was dirt low indeed, but also, I had a paralyzing fear of being alone. I honestly believed that a horrible toxic relationships was better than no relationship. It's been a long time since the last relationships I had with an alcoholic. I'm currently married after moving on from the A over 6 years ago. In my current relationship...I would be sad if he found someone else, but if that happened, obviously something would be very broken in our relationship and I would let him go. Mostly, it know it's illogical to avoid my own growth in fear that I will outgrow my spouse. If my spouse doesn't appreciate the healthiest version of me...well that is a sign that the relationship needs to end too.
A big thing for me personally was also when I stopped having the crippling fear of relationships ending. That allowed me to see that I did have choices every day. I didn't have to settle and it was not my job to morph someone into what I wanted. I know it's more challenging when you have children and the pressure is stronger to make the relationships work for the family. I do believe alanon helps you get to the point where you know you would be okay with or without the relationship and then you feel empowered and able to make choices rather than feeling doomed and stuck in a relationship with someone who is making you so unhappy. Then whether or not you make the choice to stay or go...it's so much easier. Less anxiety, dread, doom, wishing, hoping for them to change so desperately. You just decide daily "Am I in this for today?" Yes or no? Ok...make the best of it and go about my life as best I can. It doesn't have to be such a painful prison.
What I really want id a healthy partner to spend my life with. I want my wife to be that person. I want her to want to recover and get healthy. Our kids are getting older and time is passing and things aren't changing.
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I would have written that same post for lots of years, both pre AA (for hubby) and AlAnon (for me) and post AA and AlAnon. A "normal" marriage is what I wanted. It is what I would still like, but I know that is no longer possible. The hubby has been in AA for 15 years after 30 years of drinking. Other than being drunk and passed out and not calling me a bitch every day, I don't see that he is a person who I can have that "normal" marriage with. And I have changed too. I am not even sure anymore what normal is and how I would recognize it. I know if I have peace in my house and in myself. That is what I aspire to now. I just want peace.
I know the hubby is changing. Everyone changes over time. His HP is taking care of him and I don't have to. He has his AA friends who are very good friends. He has his friends that he has met in his cancer support programs (interestingly, they are some of the people from the AA side too).
As I worked the steps of the AlAnon program, I worked the 4th step many times on many different topics. It all has made me more comfortable with myself. More assured that no matter what happens, I will be okay. I have learned to be happy with what I have and accepting of what I don't have. I have a broken husband.... broken by alcoholism. Acceptance of that was so important. I couldn't make him anything different. But we take what is and build on it for our future.
You have a broken wife. She is what she is. She could pick up the pieces and try to build on it for the future but she wants you to do it for her, and you can't. You can only accept her exactly the way she is right now. Her HP is in charge of her future. Unless she decides to quit drinking and make a start as a sober wife, you have to accept that she won't ever get better, only worse. This is a progressive disease.
Like Pinkchip says, I used to interpret that when they would not change it was because I was not good enough to motivate them to change. That made my self esteem really low. I was not accepting that he was the way he was... period! Accepting his brokenness. Instead I was letting it reflect like a mirror on to me and say I wasn't good enough. That was not the reality. He was the way he was because he was/is an alcoholic. Period!
So then, WHAT ABOUT ME? I always said, "When is it MY turn!" That is about when I got into AlAnon and I gave myself MY turn.
Take care of yourself. Awareness----- Acceptance---- Action.
I think self esteem gets entirely eroded in the relationship with an A spouse/partner. I know mine was very low. I've been in al anon for 5 months now, and it's getting better. I've made myself come up with a mantra to repeat when I have a negative thought about myself. Don't laugh, but here it is: I'm beautiful, I'm worthy, I deserve love. I've repeated this thousands of times, and it has helped. Recently I've also gotten quite a bit of positive reinforcement from healthier people around me, and that helps, too. I do not have to let the a's opinions of me define me. They are sick and looking to lay blame and find excuses to drink. I have no control over that, but I'm also no longer allowing that to make me hate myself.
I'm the same way. I'm a very passive aggressive person. I had awareness of that fact quite a long time ago. Working the steps has helped me to accept it. I mean. who wants to really admit to it, it's not a very nice way to be. But being able to accept that I am that way, has led me to be able to take action to correct it. It will probably always be in my nature to be this way, so it's a constant struggle, but the fact that I can catch myself is huge. And even when it happens, I can come back around and apologize for it and move on quickly.
Al Anon says that we must have do three thigns to change ourselves. Become aware of the problem/behavior/situation, be able to accept that it really is happening (no more denial), and only at that point are we able to take action. Therefore, it's a process. Knowing that this could happen to you may be enough to get you moving down the path. Look at the sticky post above - the gifts/promises of Al Anon. Many of these are taking place in my life now. And many of them started within just a few weeks of starting meetings and coming here.
Hillyard what a meeting in a post this has been!! Powerful post and super responses from our fellowship...It contains echos of the shares from last nights home group meeting also and power that came from one of our newest members who is growing steadily and who did the service of chairing the meeting.
For now...just for now...your self esteem is lacking...just lacking and it is temporary as others have said here. Have faith in the ESH which was brought to this share of yours from my own program experience their shares are confirmed. Your situation is temporary because as you continue to participate in the program - without looking back over your shoulder to see how your alcoholic wife is doing - you will get better and stronger meaning more self confident. Work your recovery and let God have your alcoholic.
One of the things the program taught me was that the problem was a dis-ease...everything that alcoholism touches gets sick and sick is normal without the program. You're doing the best you can with what you have and what you have will grow as you keep coming back and following the suggestions of ...sit, listen, learn, practice. Those were first suggestions from the program fellowship when I first got here...they had others with had stronger messages as needed and I could not not practice them because I wanted what they had as you also do.
"Baby steps" was an early slogan in newbie recovery and I had to get humble (teachable) and take them...just like now getting and taking the slogan "Watch your head" means I have to get humble and learn I cannot, after recent head surgery bump it into anything or I suffer consequences. Baby Steps are good steps and we grow from then.
Often times our early thinking and emotions tell us lies...chances are you are dealing with lies...they are not true and when you get into the 4th step you will come to understand that. That experience comes from working with my sponsor on an early 4th step and the Al-Anon 4th was a "split page" 4th. Fold the paper in half....good stuff on the right part and negative stuff on the left...make it searching, fearless and moral (the difference twix good and bad), turn it into sponsor. He called me and asked if I was done and I said "I think so" to which he asked me "How many items on the left side of the page and I told him eight and he asked how many on the right side and I said twelve. "Don't turn it in. I don't want to see it", he said and of course I asked him why. "There is no such thing as more bad in a person than good" he replied and then added "keep working on it". See if that works for you Hillyard...maybe?
I'm keeping this post up front. Thank you HP and MIP for the lessons. (((((hugs)))))
