Struggling with Step3 - Al-Anon Family Group

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Struggling with Step3

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi I dont always know if im in God's will or my own. Ive worked it out for myself that when im actively listening, Im not judging, Im choosing kind and thoughtful responses to people and myself then thats God's will. My will is when Im hurried, Im indecisive, im impulsive. The slogans help with step 3. Think think think before responding to anything really. Considering what would my higher power want from me because deep down its what I want for myself.

It must be hard living with someone else in recovery. My ex is in recovery and Im so glad I dont see what hes not doing. I dont think we can control another recovery just as we could never control anothers drinking. Its not ours to deal with at all. Its good that you are talking it over with your sponsor. I think whatever your husband chooses to do about his own recovery is his. It wont be doing you any good watching him as you are. All will be revieled in good time anyway. So, if he falls off the wagon due to his lack of working it then you will know. You dont have the power to control him or his disease im afraid. The key here could be to look at why you feel the need, why your invested in his program. If you have fears which would be natural then it might be good to have a plan b ready for yourself so that your prepared to take action and you can let go a bit more.

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

thank you El-cee that's a HUGE help.

OF course I want my AH to get and stay healthy. I want to HELP Him not control him. I want to learn to be supportive but not controlling. Helpful but not over bearing.

We are both enmeshed and co-dependent... it's funny as he is at the point where he will say I"m CD but he's NOT... I have tried to explain to him that I can be CD alone I need someone to be CD with.. he's not ready to hear that.

My sponsor says not to worry about the future (don't pay the toll twice) but to live in the day. But I feel the need to have a plan...

I set a boundary "you can't come home unless you go to detox, COMPLETE REHAB (done) and ARE WORKING a program)

the problem is my determination of "working a program" may be different than his. and we have to have this very difficult conversation.

then I know the drill.... if he's not compliant he has to leave... BUT i guess the issue is that I have NOT set the boundary that he has to "work the program to MY satisfaction" who determines that... and do I have the right to demand that he live up to my wants.... or can I let him do it his way and then if he drinks I toss him out then?

Isn't it better to be proactive and talk about what I expect vs what he expects.

this is so hard.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Ladybug, when I first began working this step,my sponsorpointed out that I did not have a clue on how to actually turn my will over, so that the best I could do was to make the Decision to do so each day. That's is actually all the Step calls for anyway.

So each morning,even to this day, after many, many years, I say the serenity prayer when I awake and then tell my HP that I'm turning my will and my life over to please guide me.

Any time during the day, that I feel as if I'm becoming angry, resentful, or want to jump in and tell people what to do and control, I step away , remind myself of the First Step and that I am powerless over people places and things, quickly say the serenity prayer, and ask HP for guidance. I then listen for the still small voice within, and respond to the situation with the intention of placing principles above personalities.

I found that I could not actually turned my will and life over until I had moved to a Step 11 where I pray for the knowledge of HP's will for us and the power to carry it out..

By the time I reached step 11, I had worked through all my character defects, with step four through 10 and then I believe I was given the wisdom to be able to pray the 11th step prayer and mean it.

Just a reminder. Ladybug, the first three steps work together. I need always to remind myself that I am powerless over others. "I can't, He can, I think I will let Him"---

Remember that your husband's recovery is within his and his HP's will and that "Expectations of others are just future resentments "

Mike B · Senior Member

Great post and responses! For me- when dealing with this diesase, Help and Control are differentiated by who initiates the action. Help is initiated by the receiptant and control is initiated by the giver. I had similiar boundaries with my x-wife. I pushed her right out of The Program. That approach didn't work for me. So, I made new boudaries based on her behavoirs. The things that were unacceptable and needed to change. How she changed them was not my business. I did plan for woarse case senario and hoped for the best. I had to prepare myself to follow through with consequences. It took awhile, many conversations with my Sponsor, working The Steps and listening and watching for Gods Will. When the pain of where I was at outweighed the fear of where I wanted to be, I took action. Action brings God into the picture. God revealed to me in short order I was on his path for me. It was very clear.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Ladybug you are doing great, pat yourself on the
Back! Boundaries and detachment are tough ones
To deal with when you are in an intimate relationship
With them. I wish i was stronger in my program when
my ah was acting so terrible toward me after starting
AA. He could not deal with his emotions and feelings
And lashed out at me. Constantly pointing the finger
At me.

You two could live seperate. I was told if marriage
Is in trouble that is a good solution. Each work your
own program and work on yourselves then when both are
Emotionally healthy work on the marriage. My ah
Was not interested in working on the marriage.

You can not make them do anything he does not
Want to do everyone's revovery is their own. I
Work mine the best i can on my terms and pace.
I am not held accountable to anyone but to myself
and God.

I didn't like anything my dry ah did in his recovery.
He didn't feel he needed a sponsor or work the steps.
He was 30 years dry so he knew all the answers
To all the questions. Nothing has changed only got
Worse. He has been attending 2-3 mtgs a week since
2011. Loves to run mtgs, is a group rep. Loves to
Help the young ones that need help and the best is
the women.That is his recovery and working the
Program. No inside work that i can see. No ego
Squashing or humility.

I too wanted a good healthy husband instead I am
getting divorced and he likes needy AA women
Better than his wife.

I can only help and save myself and do the best that
I can do. Hold my head up high and keep working
My recovery.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but I can't think of any other way suggest giving feedback in a loving and more detached way. You are still married and some ability to communicate concerns is necessary but only if you can do it in a way that is not perceived as controlling or nagging. Perhaps you could say:

"I am concerned about you and saying this out of love and not criticism. I see you are not going to meetings as much as you were. I see that you don't call your sponsor. I know your recovery is your business and these are your choices, but I am just stating that I want you to succeed and white knuckle sobriety is not ideal. You are not working now, so nothing is stopping you from going to meetings and calling you sponsor regularly. When work starts back up, it will probably be more challenging so now is the time to be really building a super strong foundation in AA and getting into healthy habits regarding recovery. Again, it's your program. Your choices. I know my worry and concern are mine. I assure you they are out of love. You know I want you to succeed."

Then drop it. How he responds is on him. OR - if you really think it won't go down well, then maybe not having the conversation will be good. If you think you won't be able to let it go after saying this....again, the conversation may be pointless. If you think he is like a rock and it will go straight over his head....don't waste your energy.

There is no 1 right answer. Do what makes sense to you from a spiritual level and using the tools you have picked up already.

Irish7 · Senior Member

Oh that is so tough, but I think pinkchip has given some really practical e/s/h here that allows you to raise the issue without asserting control. I worked step 3 on paper, and my sponsor wants me to practice implementing it daily for 6 weeks or so before moving on to step 4. I say the 3rd step prayer several times a day and get down on my knees and pray to know and do my HPs will the next day. It's helping, but I'm a tough case, hanging onto problems and chewing on them until it suddenly hits me I have the choice to turn them over.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

The honest response for me is from my own recovery. My early fellowship told me that often the greatest threat to an alcoholic's recovery was a unrecovered spouse. I heard it and didn't fully understand it. I was also told "you don't know much about the disease so therefore not much about recovery either" I accepted that one because it was true and also I was addictively involved in our disease...still playing my part and not very well cause I was staying out of meetings.

On the issue of being a threat and not knowing; I wasn't aware that in early recovery alcoholics and addict also struggle with accepting they have a disease and the program and the practice of the program....I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know. My spouse came home from a meeting confused and in withdrawals and walked up to the one person that the disease knew would support her going back out...me. She asked me "Do you think I am an alcoholic"...I of course replied "No" and today I can still almost hear the disease reply..."Thank you". She went back out on another 5 year run and everything alcoholism and drug addiction hadn't taken up till that time; it got.

If I had fully accepted and been practicing Step 3 I would have had some other answer - after consulting with HP and my sponsor. If you've taken the first part of the 1st step and accepted the condition which a HP is to bring us to at the end of Step 2...Step 3 becomes less resistant.

Keep coming back ladybug...you're working on it. (((((hugs))))) smile

ladybugnessa · Senior Member

Thanks all esp. Pink Chip ! We did talk. he understands and he agrees that he needs to find a different sponsor and go to more meetings. He returns to work on Monday so some semblance of a schedule will begin again. Hopefully this will help him find more time to be awake and go to meetings.

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